The More You Start Gazing At The Sky The More Stars You See. The More You Talk To A Person The More They

It took me a while to realize that I no longer hold a place in your world. I should have stopped trying to fit myself in, a long time back.

Life just turns upside down one day and you wonder what you did wrong. You realize that you had never anticipated this turn.

Everyday I mourn over the loss of people from my life. Everyday I wish I had a chance to talk, to tell you what you think is wrong. I wanna prove myself to you. I'm not what you think I am.

I miss being surronded by my people.

I miss people listening to all the crazy stuff I say.

now, neither are there people nor do I say stupid stuff.

I miss me.

And finally I realized that you don't have to be with people, surrounded by friends and family, to be you. Coz all you need is you.

I'll bounce back

I'll be fine

After a long time I'm giving a chance to hope.

Coz people, they leave, they stay at times too its upto them. If you mourn you'll just keep mourning.

The sooner you realize that your questions have no answers, you'll stop asking them.

I don't seek answers anymore. It's not people I rely on but rather me.

You stay, you leave, it's your choise. I'm gonna stay the same. I'll be fine.

Let's hope so. Well if you ask @glitteringhuman he'd say let's believe so.

I believe this time. I'll be back, it's just a matter of time.

I do... do I... ??

Yesterday I went shopping with my granny and aunt. For a change, I was wearing a sari. a black sari with bronze border. I was looking pretty good.

The idea of going with them was not a good one. I was damn bored. I was gazing around the shop looking at things that I would never buy. What else to do...

I was standing there looing at some dress, when an old lady came next to me and asked "Your sari is amazing. Where did you buy that from dear?"

"Its from Kerala aunty"

(I am now in Chennai. TN)

"Oh! its beautiful. I was shopping for my granddaughter and she loves black. she is almost your age and looks like you too. could you please help me select one for her. My taste you see is quite old"

"sure aunty"

I was happy that she asked for my help. Now at least I will be looking around with some purpose. Now, there is certainly one thing about old people. they are damn inquisitive... In no time they pull out every detail about you. So was this lady, she was asking me all sorts of questions, I did not want to be rude so I answered with patience and moreover she was very sweet.

After a while I picked out a black sari with pink and green border. It was a beauty. she seemed satisfied too... as I was helping her with a billing she insisted on getting me something too. now that's too much. I politely declined. She finally gave up and suddenly out of nowhere a guy called her.

"Where were you? I was looking all around the place for you"

"You were bored weren't you. This young girl helped me pick a sari for your sister"

"Thank you so much. I'm Ram"

"Hey. I'm Razia"

A tall handsome young guy. A beard, tall, husky voice. Just amazing. I never used to believe in love at first sight. "Bullshit" was my synonym for it. But yesterday when I saw him I got butterflies in my stomach. I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

But that's it. I get that feeling for the first time and that too towards a person I will never meet again. 

God wasn't that cruel too. that aunty was so happy with me helping her that she too out a small piece of paper, wrote her name, address and her grandson's no. she told me to call him if I get any confusions with the address as I am new in town.

I have that paper right in front of me. I do lie him. but do I? I can call him should I? questions unanswered I sit her perplexed. I don't now. maybe as I always say, there isn't love at first sight, it always a crush and he would also pile up in my little list of crushes.  

Life turns upside down in just a matter of seconds.

I have made friends and enemies here,

Where I envy and love certain people

I do hate a few.

In just a day I'm leaving this place

Packing a lot of memories and moments

Which is heavier than my luggage.

I have made some friends for life

Whom I might not call everyday

Or think about all the while

But the place they have in my life is irreplacable

I have always been scared to let people get close to me

The fear of being vulnerable

The fear of getting so close

That if they leave I can't survive.

Very few people make an impact when they leave

But only a handpicked make an impact staying.

Today when I count those few I'm glad I have them

But I'm scared of leaving them and going

I'm not just gonna miss them

I'm gonna miss their constant presence and the impact they make

I wish tomorrow never ended

Because the next dawn is an end

To a lifetime of memories and joy

Now I realize that moving out is indeed sad

I don't wanna go

I don't wanna go...

I went to the ocean today

I felt blue and thought it would help

But the ocean seemed strange,

There was this feeling of being full, choked up with emotions

I couldn’t see the horizon,

It felt as if the ocean was one with the sky

I know there will be a scientific reason behind this

But my mind couldn’t think of it

All I saw was the ocean being much sad than I

It was as if it had been missing something…

 .

The beach was emptier than usual,

There were a few surfers

Some who had mastered the art

While some training under them

There were little boys who were taken aback by the waves

And there were men who stood meddling through the waves

 .

I was sitting there on a rock, with a book in hand…

I wanted a distraction from the chaos in my head

I was blue from dawn

 .

There was this old lady, who walked up to me,

She said I was in her spot

I couldn’t stop myself from imagining Sheldon from the big bang theory

I moved and made way for her to sit…

 .

She was staring at the waves with ease in her face,

Those wrinkles felt, they had seen much calmer oceans

I couldn’t agree more

 .

And out of all these people, walking, sitting, and playing

Far away were two dogs, playing in the ocean,

Running around, enjoying the pleasant evening

 .

It seemed as if they had just been left out after many days

When man has himself been locked down

 .

They ran towards me

The little one jumped up and started licking my hand

 .

This one time, I wasn’t angry that someone was disturbing me reading

I patted him, and he was so happy

I couldn’t resist a smile

 .

That was it, as soon as I smiled I saw him run away

Back to playing with his big friends

Who was not just playing with him, but was also guarding him

 .

That little boy made me smile, and looked into my eye with so much love

I returned home, with a broader smile, a lighter heart and a better mood

The outside word is harsh and cold

That’s why we keep our doors closed…

My mom told me this the first time I asked the reason behind closing the door.

Then another question arised as to why we keep our windows open

And she replied “to view the world.”

But….

Wait…!

Why see the harsh world

If we close our doors to it.

Why have windows if we want cocoons…

It was then I realized lately

That we dont close our doors because the outside world is harsh and cold

But because we are scared of the outside world

Which consists of our “own”

And we still have windows because we are anxious to know whats happening out there

This lie we tell

The blame we put

Its all an escape

To the fear within us…

The fear towards us.

We close our doors

Because we fear the outside world

19:03:18

...

I have that one person in life to whom I can be me and still be confident that he wont judge.

Well thats what I believe everytime I meet that person.

That one person changes with time.

Sometimes it's you

And yet other times its him or her or her

Everytime I end up talking hours together

Not leaving the smallest detail of what happened in the day

I fear that he would get bored

That he would not feel anymore.

Today I could sence that he was getting tired of me being excited of the same thing again and again

Maybe I should stop because

Maybe I get too excited about petty things

But I thought he would understand that it means the world to me.

I never thought I would say this for him because till yesterday I had something else to tell.

Yet one more time people have proven that they cant be what they promise to be

And all those promises starts to flow with the rain leaving me all back to square 1.

Thinking what went wrong this time

I gaze at the evening sky

filled with all kinds of birds chirruping...

the parrots flying in flocks, the crows sharp enough to notice everything, the eagles high enough that they don’t care of what’s going down...

the sun sets in one corner, the moon now visible in between trees, in between clouds....

All the birds fly back home, the pigeons finding shelter in tall buildings, the crows in the big tree.

suddenly the night grows dark

not because of the night, or the clouds

rather something else is filling up the sky

I look up and find hundreds of bats all flying

filling the night sky with just enough space to reveal the moon

welcoming the full moon....

With mountains climbed

Stars gazed at.

It's been a beautiful week of all my life.

With friends made, and friendships bonded

I don't know how life could change.

People talked, laughed, had a merry go ride.

This has been where relationships redefined

New ones made

Judgements broken and new ones made.

Love to all the people and all the memories.

To the good and bad triping

Family is not just mom and dad

It's the one who love you

And I've seen mine in you

I know I'm an idiot

I ruin things that are great in life

And later mourn about it

I realise late that I've damaged

What we had

And this time I guess it's beyond repair

For the first time I wish

I had an undo button for life

Coz' I have never mourned over anything

Like this before

I have had fights with you before

But believed it will all be fine

But I guess I lost you this time

Once and for all...

Hey there,

This turned out to be a huge success, with maybe just 6 performances including me, the encouragement from people and the participants have been so overwhelming, thanks a lot. 

The performers being:

1. Asfiya Sherif 2. Shyamala 3. Monica

4. Anusha 

5. Enigma @enigmasandephipanies

Also a huge shout out to all the people who joined @heofnothingness @hiraeth73 Arya, Megha, Riddhima, Maria, Mirium, Jeena, Paul, Zerin, Bhargavi, Swati, Pooja and Prince and all the others who joined in.... I have no words to express how it all went

Online Open Mic

Greetings of the day! Good whatever in whichever time zone you’re in.  Hope everyone is safe, well let’s get best of the lock down. I am organizing an online open-mic for all the poets and writers out there. 

All you have to do is message me and I will send you the link. The open mic is gonna be on Zoom an online platform, if you don’t wanna perform you can be a spectator to encourage.  So the details are:

Date : 29.04.2020 Time : 08:00 pm IST (Indian Standard Time) GMT + 05:30 Venue : Zoom Platform video call Language : English only

If interested send me a message and I will send you the link