Experience Tumblr Like Never Before
Sleep is the despairing soul's opioid
it wont be much good but i'll work on it every night when i think of you my commission cost isnt very high all i ask is this
you'll hold my hand in public and wont look away when people stare if i get scared at night you wont tell me to man up when we stay up listening to second hand vinyls, tell me you love me run away with me whenever your dad makes you beg for god
thats it. thats all i need. and then i'll write you a song
Today I felt nostalgia.
I get home from work and chat with my brother for a bit before going upstairs to shower. I lay in my bed, dozing as my sleep is interrupted by a call. My cousin, she tells me to come with her and my brother to eat at my grandparents house. I didn’t even realize my brother had left. I tie my hair up without drying it properly and walk over, annoyed and amused over the fact my brother had stolen my car, forcing me to walk in the chilly evening. When I get there, my cousin’s already left, home to nap before she goes to cheer. My brother leaves soon too, something or other he has to do that I can’t remember.
I stay with my grandma, sitting infront of the fireplace older than me. Without it the house would have frozen long ago. I listen to the sound of her cooking, lulled by her soft words. She’s cooking enough to feed my family and my cousin’s.
My grandpa comes in, tired from moving wood to their outdoor shack. I watch him eat and I’m reminded of his age, his bruised hands from slow tired blood. He goes to bring wood inside and I rush to help. He’s older now, somehow, I’m not sure when, I can carry more wood than him. After I watch them sit tired and I sweep the floor for them, cleaning the trails of dirt and wood chips.
I notice the tiles as I sweep. they’re duller then i remember. The cement in between each tile seemed more cracked than before.
I sit with my back to the hearth again, enjoying it warming my clothes and my chilled skin. My grandma sits next to me on a woven stool. I let my hair down to dry it with the heat and she ruffles it playfully. She smiles and laughs at my colored, damp hair, scolding me lightly for the dyed streaks in my dark hair.
Soon enough she drags me close to her, I sit on the ground in front of her as she rubs and scratches my back and damp head. I know that I should be doing this for her, but she always insists. Even though she’s in her chair and I’m on the ground, I’m still as tall as her, I’ve been taller than her for a while but this points it all out even stronger. She tugs my head until I’m rested in her lap. My neck cramps from the odd angle, my spine sore from the bend. My body is tense, worried about the weight I rest on her but I can’t bring myself to sit up.
It’s been so long since I’ve been held, no- doted on like this. I remember doing this as a child, the strain on my back nonexistent. I could lean on her legs with ease. Her hair was darker then, her skin less wrinkled, her hands stronger.
I still feel like a child, though. In her hands, I still feel as vulnerable and fragile as the small girl I was.
When I sit up, no longer able to stand the strain on my back, it isn’t only my bones that ache.
My hair is dry by now, and I’m not sure what I mourn as I tie it back up in its tight knot.
Today I felt nostalgia.
it's selfish,
I know it is.
I apologized for it,
which I know means nothing.
yet I still pressed send,
for me not for you.
and I tell you that,
in typed out abbreviated words.
'so sorry chat',
like it fixes my cruelty.
I could've left well enough alone,
but who am I kidding.
my friends wonder why people vape,
when they know it's bad for them.
well why do they procrastinate writing essays?
why do we stay up late on school nights?
why do I scratch and scrape at my scared skin?
why did I press send on that damn message?
it's selfish,
self harm its in the name.
I apologized for it,
which I know means nothing.
I am so fucking sorry,
for all the wrong reasons.
when your mom gives you an oil that helped with her scars
and when your cousin has a semicolon tattooed on his forearm
you just can't help but wonder if you had known it all before
would you do it again?
for the first time ever i anticipate spring
i am getting used to short hair
i wonder will i ever get used to my scream
I am made of flesh I am made of bone
most of which is my very own
I am made of muscle I am made of skin
the likes of which resembles my kin
I am made of stardust I am made of rain
I carry with me my mothers pain
I am made of laughter I am made of sorrow
I am someones dream of a better tomorrow
I dance around my room on halloween at five in the morning, so I can wear my costume to school, and I listen to three cheers for sweet revenge by the alternative band my chemical romance on cd.
I have been looking for that cd for almost a year now I just got it over the weekend
I have had you for almost five years now I don't know why I'm still looking for you
If I were a runner I'd be a sprinter
And if I were a painter I'd never buy varnish
If I were your rich great aunt I'd bore you with stories of a drunken Italy
And if I were a mother I'd eat my children in one sitting
If I were your girlfriend I'd be the summer to your tom
And if I were a musician I'd have five singles you had to buy separately and burn onto one disk
If I were a writer I'd be a poet
And if I were a poet I'd never breath a word of this to you
For I am become the great pretender betrayer of a youthful me
As I pretend not to be bothered by my bff who questions 'why wouldn't you want to be soldja boy?' a youthful me asks my mom for two halloween costumes since you're not allowed to be a bloody zombie little girl with a knife at school in the second grade
As I pretend my bff is right when she says we can't even at the bare minimum be mean girls since 'none of us are blonde' a youthful me describes to my dad the terrible tumble zombie Alice took not only down down the rabbit hole but down down a muddy cliff and that's the reason her hair is brown
As I pretend not to care when my bff calls my guy 'weird' a youthful me demands that if I must date a man he cannot be conventional in any manor
As I pretend to be unharmed by the unexplained absence of my bff at my clubs squid dissection a youthful me is ostracized and abandoned by her only friend
As I pretend the barber cut my hair wrong when my bff tells me 'it's really short' a youthful me wanted purple and blue died hair cut in a shaggy mullet
As I pretend I don't hate my new skin so much that I claw at it raw and bloody a youthful me swore it 'would only be once and I'd never do it again'
If I am to become another berry picked too ripe so I can be sold to the masses I will use the cut I was given so you can rot away in the warm sun on the vines. I won't let you, my daughter, be eaten by the people even if you must eat me alive in exchange.
snippet of Dear Daughter I Never Wanted
abstract art he says
i dont much understand it
he says its intriguing
i find questions with no answers
he says in a good way
i tell him i can't stand not knowing
he says im like abstract art
i dont much understand it
every time i look in the mirror its someone new who stares back at me.
a face, with features i have had since birth, changing every 34th second
yet every time i look at my reflection it is the same little girl who stared ahead at me.
a face, with features i have had since birth, the solemn look i get when the tide is just out of reach
how do i tell her i made it?
all those nights dreaming of what waking up might feel like. all those mornings still stuck in a dream.
how do i tell her that every week day i wake up at six to greet the blue haze outside my window while i dance to the radio station and put on way too much highlighter?
all those hours longing for satisfaction. all those minutes longing for routine.
how do i tell her my days are full of a life which i live?
all those poems praying for my flame. all those prayers poeticizing the mundane.
I saw you looking
So why did you say you didn't care
why look at something you dont like
instead look at the trees blowing in the air
I caught you looking
and i caught the blush in ur cheeks
the soft smile on your lips
like the cutest little geek
I noticed you not looking
so i tried to forget
it wasnt all that hard
but then you had to look again
this time your eyes were lower
and i wouldnt have minded but
i saw you looking
then you said u didnt care
So little words yet all the right ones
You always did know how to please me
You distance due to the hurt you have caused, but I want the hurt
I want your hurt again
I would do so much to see you
To hear you voice, see your face
You don't need me anymore, however
We all drift away at some point
I just hope we find our way back to how we were
I still panic
When you come back
Each time
I think
You're going to do it
Again
And I panic
Because you'll blame me
And I'm scared
That you'll be right
This time
I wish
I didn't think of you
Anymore
And I hope
That I stop
Thinking
Of that night
Because I'm so scared
That you'll do it
Again
And I won't be able
To stop you
That way I did
Last time
Because
It wasn't my fault
And I hate it when
You blame me
For not coming back
When I'm scared
That it'll happen again
If I came back
Like how you want me too
I'm scared
That you wont
Come back anymore
A and I'd rather
Have you hate me
From a distance
As someone
I don't feel
Responsible for
Anymore
Because
You make it my fault
And I
Convence myself
That you're right
And I
Forget
That you're not
Scared of the same
Things as I am
Because you love to blame me
And was never really my fault
Stop scaring me
I'm not coming back
I don't want that night
To happen again
So stop
Making it my fault
I left all this
Behind me
And I gave up
When
There was nothing
I could do
For you anymore
I'm sorry
I'm not enough
And
I'm sorry
That
I
Never
Was