Experience Tumblr Like Never Before
Robin: Are you having another depressive episode? Danny: A depressive episode? Danny: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.
Danny: I prevented a murder today. Robin: Really? How’d you do that? Danny: self-control.
Daniel wasn't born invincible, although most people wouldn't be able to tell you that. Even in the first loop, he had first crawled through the filth before reaching the top. But it hadn't been enough. This is why, in every loop after that one, for at least a few dozen of them he had approached people like Gun, Goo, and Diego to teach him. Some were harder to convince than others and some would downright refuse to teach him until he found a way to prove to them he was worthy. He had to do things that he didn't dare to remember some days.
He remembered the first time he was made to kill.
His second loop, Gun had been much crueler than he usually was. He made his two masterpieces fight to the death, just for the sake of it. Daniel orphaned a little girl that day. He couldn't bare to look in the mirror for weeks, but he pushed on. He needed to be stronger! So, the boy-turned-killer gritted his teeth and force-fed himself sleeping pills every night.
The second time he killed it came much easier.
Perhaps because he was still reeling from the first one. It was only a few weeks after Eli's blood had covered his hands that another lay before him with his neck broken. It had been so easy it was gut-churning, like breaking a particularly tough twig. He emptied the contents of his stomach in a bush nearby, but couldn't find it in himself to regret it very much. It was horrifying to realize he regretted getting caught and ending up in juvie more than killing Zoe's stalker.
The third time's the charm, right? It wasn't.
That night he stumbled into a bar and drank himself into obliviousness to forget the feeling of a too-small boy beneath the tips of his fingers. He had killed a kid, not much younger than himself, a year at maximum, but a kid! The feeling of bile rising in his throat hadn't left him for the entire loop. When he woke up he was in a cell, with policemen looking down at him with a mix of disgust and horror. They regarded him as a monster, and Daniel deserved it. It didn't take long to get a confession out of him and back to juvie he went. It didn't matter, the phantom touch lingering whenever he clutched his fist was still there.
When the fourth came he still cried.
By the time of the fifth, he lost his appetite completely.
The sixth came with mandatory visits to the therapist's office.
The seventh brought on a new therapist and sturdier cuffs.
It helped, incredibly. There was no more killing in that loop, and the couple that followed.
The eight was accidental, and it left Daniel screaming and crying, and vomiting hysterically. He wasn't locked up for that one, but he somehow found his way back to the therapist's office. The first one he tried had left him with a bitter taste on his tongue. The second one knew exactly which buttons to push. It was a miracle Daniel didn't end up with a ninth corpse to the ever-growing pile attached to his name.
Finally, after a lot of breakdowns and unhelpful psychologists, Danny ended up meeting a nice lady by the name of Robin Lim, who managed, with an amount of ungodly patience and calm, to get through to him. It wasn't a sudden catharsis that left him feeling the office a thousand tons lighter, but it was like the steady flow of a stream, growing quicker and bigger every day until he could finally breathe without feeling like he was choking on air.
Robin remained Daniel's therapist for over eight loops until he finally came to terms with what he had and most likely would again do. He managed to establish a system of what to do when it happened again and how to manage his inner turmoil so that it didn't spill into something dangerous, either for himself or others.
While the looping had the effect of twisting his morals to the extreme sometimes, Daniel was always careful to keep a grip on his emotions and try to use the techniques Robin had taught him to regulate those that could become a threat. It wasn't perfect (the seemingly, only imperfect thing about him now), but it worked and it made him view the world in another light.
It was both surprising and not that he now understood Jinho, to a certain level. He knew what it felt like to be given a ray of light and not manage to cling to it no matter how hard he struggled. He had been pathetic and weak and selfish in a way that made him both better and so much worse than the scrawny boy. Better because he had learned from it and strived to make himself the best possible version despite his worries, insecurities, paranoia, and tilted moral compass. Worse because, unlike Jinho, he had succeeded and killed people to further his own selfish goals.
At the end of the day, the imperfect-perfect boy remained a human, one who struggled and hurt and cried. As long as he kept a tight leash on the part of him that could make others struggle and hurt and cry (and even worse) he kept going, trying to find a way to end the cycle and keep the people he loved safe.
Even if that meant entire loops-worth of counseling and breakdowns, he would do it. For those he cherished? Anything.