Normalize Using Anime/video Games To Cope With Depression - Blog Posts

So, I was depressed recently. It was bad, I felt like I could barely function and existence itself was something I could not cope with. I was a rough time for me, and made worse when I found it hard to either reach out to friends or they were busy with other things.

Some of the few things that kept me from simply withering away, was a general sense of wanting to live, and my job. Those things kept me grounded when my friends couldn't be there. It was so bad, that I as a person whom loves to play games, felt it difficult to even go on and play any or finish them worst of all. In fact, as of right now, I have at least four games that I started either before, or during my most depressive state that I never finished. It was either the passion of the game petered out faster because of depression, I felt like the simple controls were too tedious and my depression forced me to give up. Or, the worst of all for one game, I was afraid to see it end. I had been scared to see these characters I grew attached to be forced to start living their lives without me being able to help them, or the fact that they may leave the game without me being able to help them more with themselves, since the point of the game was essentially to leave the place they were in and continue with their lives, for both the better and the worse. To go unflinchingly into an uncertain future with nothing but themselves, their desire to continue living, and those whom they can stand by or now have on their side.

I was so scary to see that I had no longer any hand in these people and getting their happiness. But, at some point, three characters helped pull me out of my depression in their own ways.

The first person was Ichigo Kurosaki from Bleach. He was already prominent person in my life way before. I always liked him because he was cool, powerful, and yet, still such a kind and stand up guy. But during my depression he also symbolized something else. Bravery and the ability to persevere. I had looked over his story once again and saw that even in the most despair filled moments in Bleach, when he was powerless, when he had no way he could win, he stood up and faced the nightmare in front of him, for all those behind him. Even when he had no way to fight back and his own despair led to tears, he stood back up and faced his opponent with what he had, unflinching at the idea he may lose, because he had to protect those behind him. He became a symbol that life is difficult and it's painful, but you must persevere, because there's others around you that you love and that you want to stay by, so face down your fears and push on, to see a better tomorrow.

The next person that helped was Reed, or Loughshinny from Arknights. Hers wasn't as big or grand as Ichigo's, but was nonetheless still another person who helped solidify myself from depression. Her words to the player character, the Doctor, was something that resonated with me because of how my depression was crushing me through my thoughts on mortality. The words she uttered that helped me were as such, "Do not fear, but do not disregard. Be light, be gentle... that is how you touch another." Her words symbolized to me that life is not something to fear and connection shall lead us forward. The flames she bears, the light she casts shall be those that lead others onward and herself. She will control her flames to not hurt another. If a life is like a flame, then I wish to have flames like hers, gentle, bright, and able to connect with those around her.

The last character I'd like to bring up and may arguably be the biggest influence, is Kiana Kaslana. Spoilers for those who have not gotten that far into Honkai Impact 3rd.

She was a clone made to essentially suffer after attaining the love of others, and to be able to love them back so she can obtain powers to essentially act as a key for a madman. She had attained most of the feelings of love and peace at a school where she trained to essentially be a hero, before she was possessed by essentially a goddess (a Herrscher) whom hated humanity with a burning passion. She was later brought back to her senses by a teacher of hers, whom had essentially became the only motherly figure in her life, but in exchange for rescuing her, she had died by her hands essentially. Soon after awaking she was hunted by monsters and had the malicious whispers of the goddess in her head, attempting to break her down. She tried to end her own life, but was stopped by a friend who had attached her sentience to her before she had been killed by another person. Soon, she remembered that her teacher sacrificed herself for her, so she began to start fighting for a better world for those around her so she could show her teacher that she made the right choice. At one point her drive to help others got her overloaded on her powers and essentially gave her a kinda space cancer (Honkai Corruption for the future), leaving her with 3 months left to live. She was fine with it, so long as she could continue to save others. But those that loved her could not bear it. One even went to work with the antagonists to find a way to save her, and had even managed to reduce the ferocity of her corruption. She then went to the home of the friend whom she held the sentience of. She then had to fight a Herrscher that had essentially taken the body of her friend, saw her memories and began to lash out at the world for the betrayals she experienced within them. Kiana managed to subdue her, but her friend planned on sealing her away at the cost of her life. She couldn't take it any longer, she had lost her teacher, the girl she loved the most had left to save her, almost lost herself and soon another friend all for essentially pyrrhic victories. She soon found her friend, used her powers to save her friend, because she no longer wished for such victories. She came face to face with the Herrscher inside her and accepted they were the same person, but born from two different desires, she then began to fight alongside her friends, in order to become a flame that blazes forward for all those to follow. She was shown beautiful things in the world by those around her that she loved and wished to protect them, love her friends and what they loved and march forward to a world that may be imperfect, but one so filled with beauty that she wanted to protect. She became a beacon of hope to me.

She suffered so much, yet she continues to live in a cruel world because it is still beautiful, and the lives within are so beautiful that she wants to protect all of them. She helped me define what I see as beautiful, lives that can touch others and bring about beauty in them.

These characters became so much for me, strength, connection, and beauty. I love these characters for what they represent to me and how I wish to live my life because of them. I wish to live a life that if any of them were real, that they could look at how they shaped me and feel pride that they affected someone so. I do not think I'm through depression, but these three, and others too, help me take steps forward and encourage me to do so, even when I feel like my legs are like lead, when my chest feels so heavy yet hollow that the weight burdens my mind, when I think the future ahead is so horrifically terrifying and unknown that I'm afraid to even live or exist, I shall move forward with the best smile I can have on my face and help put on others' faces so that I can etch myself onto others in the best way I can.

Some days I feel terrified to live, but they make me want to get up and face those fears.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.