Modern Academia - Blog Posts

◆Little did I know, some things never change..

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°°If you love someone

Must you know, and thus train yourself

how to live without them

simultaneously,

while willing to be together forever.

But oh!... if it's you, I would never mind losing myself into your hands eternally or for a thousand times, and putting my heart away in every pieces and pieces and present them in front of you to play with.

🌸Please, don't let this be me, let this be you.

For the last time, let it be you going away far. Don't make the destruction seem to be caused by me. Don't make me blame myself again. Don't change me. Don't make me regret for loving people. Don't seize me from falling in love again.🌸

Running:

I wanna run with you, cutting through dense mushy canopies of leaves and forests, beating the fear of legends, dancing with the wolves, or through the cold ancient corridors of an abandoned castle, leaving the rebellion secrets whispered from the rusted balconies to our ear, behind us. Maybe on the other side of the world, a wonderland paradise 'lost', through the breezy cornfields through the childhood we left behind, anywhere far far away. I never want to stop running with you, let us beat the pace of time for we will go beyond and beyond whatever is seen, the universe, the moon, nebulas, clusters and oort clouds, through the dark matters, never here.

I've known you for long. Before you were there. I knew it would be you, always, when you made me explore myself, when you soared me up higher than an eagle, and discovered a divinity of me I never knew was there.

🌸Youth fades fast, breaking me more than anything else when I realize it passed before I could feel it, and not much is left to have peace for. It feels as if I've already lived a half a part of my life in these teenage years.🌸

🌸No, keeping you as my favorite prisoner will never satisfy me. If I ever grant you freedom, I know you'll run far far away from me. You'll never come back in my arms, saying you loved it, being isolated with me.🌸

🌸That's the power of mine that I often question about. The unrealistic enchantment within myself, I can fall in love with everything.

I know, how effortlessly I can fall in love with almost anything, alive or not. Even when I'm in a prison, as time passes by, I would turn it into a temple.

Does it certainly makes me one of them? When I give rest to the monsters of the world, the weirds, the unusual, the madman,broken and bullied one finds peace within me and I, be a shelter to the loneliest beings treated the worst?

Why do I crave the smell of sadness, broken people? Why theres always a worn out rose for me? Do I deserve this? Or am I suppose to turn the beast into a prince?🌸

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☆☆ It certainly makes me nostalgic,when I know how young I was when I realized it's not easy living here, and I transcended from living to surviving.

It certainly makes me unhappy, the person I see when I look to the mirror. She disappoints me more than people.

It certainly makes me brutal, how it's me, who knows every weakness about myself, yet turns them against me. Instead of delicate consolidations it burns me, with my flaws. ☆☆

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🍁 Acceptance isn't forceful. It's the complete admiration of who you are, and the strong will to posses nothing else other than exactly what you have.

We were unknown, but we were familiar

With each other,

Since some other life.

🌸 "You keep forgiving someone until you unlove them"🌸

-Unknown

🌟Sometimes I'm scared of how

I deny the reality and live inside my head, in the most comfortable corner I've created despite the darkness.

How complex and detailed view are there in my mind about everything I see. I'm scared to be different. Scared to fight with almost everything that's against me. One pain of being different is the fear of being lonely. But the urge never stops itself.

Sometimes I'm scared, I see I'm turning into something I shouldn't. And the scariest thing is, no one ever notices how, a complete stranger from inside, is walking around wearing the old, acquinted shell of their very own girl.

🌸Change is necessary. The more you thrive in your comfort zones, the lesser you explore yourself. It's absolutely natural to hate it. But the more you're unfamiliar, the more you unlock truths about yourself. How you certainly react to things that's a 'debut' for yourself. The outer layer of habits eventually gets peeled off and the core you is exposed out of your original instincts to unknown circumstances. It helps you to know yourself.🌸

🌸 You're not in the track, when you think you clinging with me will make you something more than my acquaintances. Where I don't grow, where I don't flourish, where there is lack of personality and intellect, I leave. I won't hurt you with the truth, I won't shut the door over you without giving you a peek about me and forgetting that you like me in the first place. I love, I pay back, but I'll pursue gestures that will show you instances of where we're not togather and your self respect still remains. I may avoid you, normalize you from something special, and you won't realize where the bondings are going loose. Eventually it will hurt you less, because I'll make you forget me.🌸

You're my star, during my night🌟

But sometimes, you're too bright,

For me. :(

I can't engulf all your charms,

fading my own pale ones. 🌸

🍁It would be hard for me~

It would be hard for me act indifferent while I'm suspicious and sometimes right, all those pair of eyes in this open world are swallowing me whole while I do nothing but walk alone, beside the stand. It would be hard to breathe while I'm having that ache inside my chest out of anxiety when I listen about others and imagine, how horrible the judgment might be while talking behind someones back.

It would be hard to wake up early in the morning while only 24hrs seem like a huge unknown ocean of "what ifs" and "would happen". It would be hard for me to be lonely with this "bitter" version of myself. It would be hard, nearly impossible for me for not to care what others opine, for I used to grow up amidst compliments and I've learned "how people see us define ourselves ". It would be hard to walk with blacked out visions and endless palpitition almost through my ribs.

It would be hard to see myself being hard on this submissive entity, recklessly pushing herself off the cliff while maintaining that obsessive urge to be "perfect". I choose to be ordinary, I fear I might be inherently "weird" and I'll, along with all the people will judge myself for that.🍁

Create a captivating paradox of perfectly put imperfections of you,

while narrating yourself. 😊

|| June 18 ; 2022 ||

💮 Taking a chance to look back at the same time in the mid June an year ago, when this was the exact time I was wishing for an undo button for myself and was regretting my vulnerability. There was this strange utopian wish to turn everything upside down, and cursing undecisiveness, but here I am, an year later in this exact same date, sitting and chilling with monsoon. Though it's no better, but I believe I survived, all by myself, where I didn't have that hope to create my uncertain future anymore then, that I'm ambitious of creating this year, this time.💮

💮 It's okay to feel unsatisfied with what you love. We necessarily and unnecessarily grow. When it doesn't feel the best of you, you know you're turning better and better.💮

💮 Basically there are always opportunities, if "others" are not there.

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💮 I've always had the best way with my words. I like the way they keep translating my own mind when my toungue is unable to speak out for me. Words have always been keeping me a step forward into presenting myself from being passive and existing in my life that I was forcibly given to.

They're always narrating and whispering those wispy tails of my mind to me. I would've never known how my life sounds like.They define me, describe me, they're always expressing the spalshes of my tears or the turbulent surge of emotions on behalf of me, with their only assurance to me that I'm not insane, or losing my mind.

They said that's what happens to humans when we live on our limitations, always.💮

💮I know I'm sane,

till the time death scares me.💮

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🍁 Is it even quite possible for a human being, to completely stop living in the present? It's always been the future I'm programming inside myself, more like always living in the future.🍁

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🍁 Healing is also a form of acceptance. Only thing is, this acceptance ain't forced. No painful denial phases, no repression, it's assured. It's not dry hopeless. It will all heal one day. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, but it will at a time. And you'll still be young then. 🍁

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💮Never have I tried to rewatch my past to narrate myself. I know it's a mess, it's random, but I can feel it something beautiful. Everything fall in place just like a story. Sometimes I welcome the circumstances which fall in place. I watch, suffer, break, but never intend to mess with the sequence. The mishappenings seems beautiful in a chaotic way, and perfectly put. I think, 'Won't be a nice storyline to narrate?'💮

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💮It is daring to love someone

the way you want love. The security,

The delicacy, the depth, in that

amount of love. Somebody gotta

be sure enough at first about not being judged

for insanity or for simply acting weird,

for decorating you with their tumbled pieces.💮

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"Not everything is about you"

💮 Such a statement, both a pain and and a peace. As you're growing older you realize you're actually not the centre of the universe. You actually now have to stand in the line of topics like just other people. Theres an intense ache inside your chest that now you know theres more like you, more without you. You knew it, but not exactly knew it in a level of accepting it about you unless you've heard it.

But you're blessed in a sense, you're now not the one entirely focused on. You're not the imagery of everything. You're not an idol, a symbol. You're ordinary, with no anxiety of being controversial for whatever you state. You can disappear, be yourself, isolate yourself, because you're one of the crowd, and people accept you as imperfect. People will judge, wonder, but you're not a trending topic. Isn't that less chaotic?💮

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