I Wish I Was Kidding - Blog Posts

i obsess over neil and andrew but 1 of 2 things would happen if they were real/i met them

1) i’d laugh because i’m 5’7 they are are so tiny compared to me

2) id shit myself in fear once i was within 20ft of them

not to mention they’d hate me

MY SISTER SNITCHED ON MY DAD CUZ SHE SAW MY WRISTS

I lied and told her it was only there and only once a week for a couple months...

She fucking believed me...

"You tell dad or I will"

"Okay, I will. I just need some time"

LITERALLY THE NEXT FUCKING DAY SHE SNITCHES

Fucking bitch stay out of my life. The reason I started cutting was because of you! You havent been around for YEARS. You have a new family and you fucking left me and I'm fine with that. Dont fucking come around now and pretend were actually good. DONT PRETEND ITS OKAY FOR YOU TO GIVE ME AN ULTIMATUM AND NOT EVEN GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE

IM DOING JUST FINE BITCH LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. AND WHEN I TELL YOU WHY I DO IT AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED DONT GO ON A 15 MINUTE SPEECH ABOUT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS AND HOW GAY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HELL

I'm sorry, did I fucking say I was gay? DID I SAY I WATCH PORN?

No. No I didnt. I said that I feel alone and that i want to kill myself and this was helping me

AND I SAID I KNOW ITS A BAD COPING MECHANISM BUT DID I ASK YOUR OPINION?!

THIS IS EXACTLY MY FUCKING POINT. Bitch. Stop putting fucking words in my mouth.

Imma kill someone, myself or her🤷‍♀️

Fuck off, Karen.

Ive memorized every part of you. I can remember how your hair feels in my hand. I remember how perfect your teeth are when you smile. I can recall perfectly how your lips felt on mine. I can visualize your perfect face. I can still hear your laugh. I can feel your breath as you whisper in my ear. I remember your hands, and how they fit perfectly in mine. I can remember how close you hug, and how your hand slides down my back. I can remember every single thing about you so clearly. I remember every single thing you made me feel. Whenever i remember this, it makes me want you again. Thats what i'm sure about. So i guess my question is; Why arent you sure after all thats happened between us? Do you remember every detail of me? Do you think about me as much as i think of you?

What the fuck are you supposed to do when everyones moving on without you? When everyone in your life doesnt want you?

What happened to me...

You know, ive always wanted to talk about what happened, but he kept avoiding it. So, i went on with my life. I found my own twisted version of closure and i got better every day. I moved on, and i knew i would be fine alone. It was like we had never even happened, and i learned to be okay with that. But then my friend joked that i was a heartbreaker and i replied that everyone else breaks my heart. Just normal sarcasm. We didnt mean anything about it. Then he overheard and looked at me. Id never seeen him so sincere. "It was all my fault." Ina ll the time id known him, i have never sene him look so serious. So sorry. Id finally moved on. Id finally gotten over the pain he left me with. I had finally forgiven him. Or maybe i just like to think i did, because here i am once again, my thoughts being consumed with nothing but him

I said it would be fine. That i was okay just being your friend... until you told me that you love her and that you would wait for her. You once said that to me, and now you dont even think about what we once had, because to you, that was nothing. I knew i was just your rebound, but i just wanted to know what it was like. I was in it for the rush, that high you get. But little did i know there would be such a dark fall after. Were good. Weve both moved on. But, still i go back to us holding hands in the movie theatre, telling me you love me. Well, not really. You went back to her a few weeks later. Youre chasing someone who doesnt love you, and im chasing you, who doesnt love me. What made me this messed up that i dont look at the people who love me but only think about the one who doesnt? Because whats not healthy for you always has the best high, and once youve had a taste, youre hooked.