I Feel Wonderful - Blog Posts

loverboymontgomery​:

When Adam passed Cole his hoodie, he smiled. Though it was a cliche, he loved wearing Adam’s clothes– so much so that he’d periodically stolen dozens of shirts, hoodies, and jackets over the years. He brushed his hand against Adam’s and tugged the hoodie on, trying to act cool, calm, and collected when he was anything but. Both because he was freaking out about whatever had grabbed them in the lake and because Adam was here, looking at him with those eyes, and he wasn’t allowed to hold him.

“Kind of wish I did,” Cole said, with a sigh. He wished he had answers for Adam– or rather, that his answers made any fucking sense. When Max had told him about the Upside Down and the Mindflayer and the fucked up shit happening in Hawkins, it had actually made him feel better, for a while. He finally knew that Adam hadn’t died hating him, that he was… possessed. But when Adam showed back up with a completely different story, any comfort Cole took in the truth was long gone. 

I’m not going anywhere. Cole closed his eyes for a moment and willed himself to believe it. Only, Adam couldn’t guarantee that. Cole couldn’t guarantee that either. Adam coming back both gave Cole a future again and threatened his utter demise. Losing Adam once had already destroyed him, but the thought of losing him twice felt like a death sentence. He did his best to muster up a smile, so as not to worry his boyfriend, but Cole knew better. Adam was always able to tell when something was up. 

Cole knew Adam’s answer before he elaborated, just based on the way he said his name. He nodded profusely along as Adam spoke, as guilt settled into his stomach. Of course Adam couldn’t leave his family now. He’d just gotten caught up in the moment, in his own fears, and was desperately trying to find something to cling to. “Of course, love. Of course,” he murmured, squeezing Adam’s hand back. “I’m sorry, that was… I was being emotional. I don’t want you to leave your family.” If anything, Cole wanted to bring Adam’s family with them. “I understand how they feel. I’m so scared of losing you again,” he finally admitted, rubbing circles on Adam’s hand with his thumb. 

Their relationship had never gotten to look like a straight couple’s. In high school, Adam didn’t get to walk down the hall hand in hand with Cole, or kiss him when they got to their classroom door. Cole couldn’t show up to Adam’s games with Adam’s jersey number painted on his cheek. They couldn’t be out. That just wasn’t an option in Hawkins, Indiana. But they had always managed to find little ways of reclaiming the public displays of affection that they deserved. From sitting too close on the bus to away games to a casual arm thrown across the other’s shoulder, Adam and Cole had always tried to show how much they loved one another in their own way. Cole wearing Adam’s clothes was probably Adam’s favorite, though. He loved seeing the other in his hoodies or sweaters; he’d even given Cole his fucking letterman jacket in school, almost daring anyone to say something. So giving him another hoodie tonight was more than worth it if it warmed Cole up and brought a smile to his face after everything that had happened. 

“Yeah, me too,” Adam agreed, leaning back on the log. If only it was that simple. If only they’d had some sort of weird, freaky, shared nightmare or something. But something had happened, hadn’t it? Adam had felt it just as much as Cole. And that didn’t comfort him in the end. “But, we’re okay. Right? We both lived. We’re both here. We’ll get through this.” Maybe that was too optimistic, but Adam had always brought that to their relationship. Where Cole was more pragmatic, more understanding of the cruelties of the world, Adam was kind. He was gentle. He saw the best in all situations and people. And right now, they needed a little bit of optimism before they....well, before they drowned. 

It killed Adam to turn Cole down. If he could just go, he would in a heartbeat. That had always been the plan, after all - for them to leave, runaway together and move out to California. Somewhere where they could just be together. Where no one would hurt them for holding hands, or would look at them strangely for living together. And Adam had ruined that. Whether he meant to or not, Adam had kept them from leaving, and he was doing it again. It broke him to do that, but he couldn’t just leave his family. Not right now. “I’m so sorry, honey,” Adam told him, bringing Cole’s hand up to his mouth and kissing the back of it. If someone saw right now, Adam would say he was fucking kidding or something - but he needed to comfort Cole. “No, baby, it’s okay to be emotional.” Fuck, Adam was emotional. He felt sometimes like his heart was too big for his rib cage - it expanded out, bloody and raw for the world to see and judge and treat however it saw fit. He couldn’t hide a fucking emotion if he tried. “You won’t.” Adam swore. “I promise, Cole, I’m going to do everything that I can to be with you forever. Whatever happened before - we’ll just make sure it doesn’t happen again, okay? Together.”