{ Cocaine & Whiskey || Jaxathan } - Blog Posts

Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.

Emery Allen (via wnq-writers)

@beautifulburnout

high school jaxathan && adventure time verse jaxathan 

aka i’m procrastinating homework. 

@beautifulburnout // maker tool

✉ |:

To: Jonathan Daniel Winchesterc/o Charlotte Sawyer. 

[ separately enclosed ] : 

Auntie— If I don’t come home, can you make sure this letter gets to Jonny? I’m not sure where he lives now, but I’m sure you could find him on facebook or something. Thank you. I love you. 

Dear Jonny. 

I know this is too many years too late, and this definitely is the worst way to find out about… all of this. So I’m sorry for this, first of all. Anyways… 

If you’re reading this letter (fuck, how cliche) … I didn’t come home from my deployment. And not like, I ran away to France kind of didn’t come home. Like, never coming home. I don’t know if you even know I joined the Marines after I stopped fighting. But I did. Off to serve my country. So, if you’re reading this, I died for my country. 

And now, writing this, days before my first tour, I know that it’s a real possibility. So I’m putting certain things in place. My will, letters to the girls, and my mama, and auntie. Stuff like that. And a letter to you. Because I’ve been selfish and stupid enough with you in my life. I can’t be selfish and stupid in my death too. If I die before I ever get to see you again and tell you this shit in person, I want you to know some things. 

I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so fucking sorry. I was such a fucking asshole back then. I was possessive, and jealous, and over-protective. And I pushed you away. I made things miserable between us, because I couldn’t fucking handle my shit, and my feelings. It’s been two years, and I swear to god I think about you and us at least once a day. There’s always something that reminds me of you, or reminds me of how stupid I’ve been. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger, or more rational, or more patient, or more kind. I’m sorry I wasn’t better. I need you to know that what happened between us is the biggest regret of my life. Hurting you is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And at the point that you’re reading this, I’ve probably killed at least one person. I’d still regret hurting you and losing you more. 

The truth is that… I love you. Not just “I love you, man” kind of love. I’m in love with you. Yeah, present tense. I have been for so fucking long. I think I first realized how I felt about you…. 6 months after we met. I think even during that time I was in denial, because I didn’t know how to reconcile the fact that you were a guy. But it didn’t matter. I was confused, and I didn’t understand… But I understood that you smiling at me was the best thing I’ve ever fucking felt. And I understood that if I smiled, you’d smile back. You always joked that I only ever smiled with you… That’s why. I didn’t care about smiling at anyone else, because it didn’t feel like it did with you. God, how gay is that? haha. Guess I shouldn’t be confused about that anymore, huh? 

You were my best friend, Jonny. You were the only person I ever wanted to spend time with, and I only ever wanted you to spend time with me. You going away to college was so fucking hard, because I knew it meant that I’d missed my chance. Whatever slim chance I ever could have had. But you were going away, and you hadn’t even been there two weeks, and you were already telling me about this new guy you were dating. And fuck… Being jealous was bad enough, but then you were telling me that he was taking you to parties and introducing you to that… bullshit. And then i was angry, and protective, and scared for you. All of that, plus being so hopelessly fucking in love with you, and so god damn lonely… I didn’t know how to handle all those fucking feelings. So I was just a dick. I was mean to you because all my frustration just turned into aggression, i guess… Then you were upset and hurt, and you didn’t understand, and I just got more angry and frustrated at myself. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t better.

I remember that night. When we were so fucking crossfaded, and at that stupid party, and you kissed me. Oh my god. You laughed when you kissed me, and I’m pretty sure I almost passed out. You sitting on my lap was nothing new, but I can remember the way you felt that night so clearly. And the way my heart pounded so hard the whole time. And everything that happened after that… I remember. I should have said something, but… I just thought, you were drunk, and you wanted affection. And I was always there to give that to you. Why would this be any different? Plus, i was so drunk, and after kissing you, I couldn’t figure out how to ask you to stay. I thought you were gonna come back. I woke up in the middle of the night, after I passed out, and I was so heartbroken, because you weren’t there. You’d left. And I didn’t understand why. You never leave. I figured that meant you regretted what happened. And I was so scared to have that confirmed, so I never brought it up. And I figured if you wanted it to happen again, you would have said something. Because… you’re you. And you’re not afraid to ask for what you want. But you didn’t ask for me again, and that was my answer. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe that was my biggest mistake. But sometimes I still dream about the way your lips tasted that night. 

Anyways… this is sappy enough. And I realize that this might just make everything worse, especially now that I’m dead. So, I’m sorry. If this makes it worse. But I just couldn’t die without making sure you knew all this stuff. 

I love you, Jay. I’ve loved you, so much, for so long. Don’t let piece of shit guys fuck with you. You’re a god damn masterpiece, kid. And I know you’re gonna put so much beauty in this world. I’m sad I’ll never get to see it. Please, take care of yourself. And find happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I have ever met in this stupid life. 

Give ‘em hell, pretty boy. 

- Jaxon Benjamin Sawyer. (aka jaxy)

All the honesty memes!

♥ - Something they like about your muse.

how kind and soft jonny is. jaxon really appreciates how much jonny cares. and how unabashed he is about it. it makes jaxon feel better about caring too much sometimes, and like that it reminds him that it’s a good thing. 

❦ - Something they hate about your muse.

jonny’s self-destructive tendencies. a small part of him, that he wouldn’t ever admit to outloud, blames jonny’s bad habits for the ending of their friendship. jaxon hates that jonny was so stubborn about wanting to get involved with shit jaxon knew was bad for him. 

✎ - A reason they’re jealous of your muse.

he likes how much jonny laughs, smiles, and jokes around. being serious or grumpy around jonny never lasts long, and jaxon is jealous how easy it is for jonny to find the good things, and enjoy the moment. so often jaxon gets caught up in his own negativity and his own bullshit. to jaxon, it seems like jonny doesn’t struggle with that quite so much. 

♪ - A secret they’re keeping from your muse.

uh, i mean… a lot. but the big one is his feelings for jonny. even after ten years, jaxon’s romantic feelings for jonny haven’t diminished. oh, and also how bad his ptsd really is. a lot of his behaviors are by-products of that, but jaxon has a really hard time admitting that. and doesn’t want to worry jonny. 

♤ - What they thought about your muse when first meeting.

“ how is someone so clumsy using a skateboard as their main form of transportation? i bet he falls like… a lot. ” (lmfao hes a dick) 

✉ OBVIOUSLY

Jaxon, It’s been a long time since I wrote a real letter and it’s funny when I actually sit down to do this I know that I’m not going to send it. I think this is more for me to figure my own shit out but it helps thinking of it like I’m talking to you. Talking to you always helped. Kinda sucks that I can’t do that now.It was crazy running into you after all these years. Not as crazy as it was for you, though. Honestly when you saw me I thought you might throw up. And you really wonder why I’d think you hate me? Yeah it wasn’t just all the shit that happened, Jax. It’s the shit that’s going on now too. 10 years and somehow it feels like shit has gotten more complicated. Isn’t stepping away from the situation supposed to make it easier? I dunno. Doesn’t seem like time did us any favors, huh?I wish that I could talk to you. I don’t mean just like, text you. I mean really talk to you. Remember when we were kids and we’d tell each other everything? Seems a lot harder now. I wonder if that’s because we got older or if it’s because of what happened. I know you don’t totally blame me for that. I get it. We both made mistakes but fuck, Jax. It still feels like I’m trying to figure out what really went wrong. I know that I had my head up my ass back then but I’m still lost. And my best friend isn’t helping either. Asking me if I wanted to suck your dick only made things soooo much more complicated in my head. Mostly because I know that I was lying to myself when I said no. Do you remember that time we made out? We were really drunk. We never talked about it but…I thought about it. More than once. I figured you thought it was a mistake and I didn’t want you to have to deal with that. Or I didn’t want to have to deal with losing you if things got complicated. Well, shit couldn’t get more complicated could it?And this letter isn’t clearing anything up for me. Not besides knowing that I do want you. And now I have to wonder exactly what makes shit so awkward between us now. Is it our past….or is it the question of what lies ahead? Ha god. I feel like I’m in high school all over again. We really…really just gotta talk. I just hope you don’t hate me after we do. -Jay

Because you look after me and kiss me till I bleed I don't want anything, but all of you I know I swore, I said I'll never love again But—man, oh, man—you're my best friend

then & now // jaxathan aesthetic

@beautifulburnout​ & @theprodigalsoldier

Jax,  Happy birthday! I found this when I was digging through some of my old stuff. This was the last trip we took to the lake back in New York. I thought it was nostalgic and sweet so I wanted you to have it. Look how young we were!  Anyway, happy 31st. I know you were never big on birthdays but I hope you enjoy it. Let me take you out for a drink soon.  Have a great day (don’t be too grouchy). -Jay

[ sms → jonny ] thank you for the picture. and the birthday wishes. that’s very sweet of you. 

[ sms → jonny ] i’ll try not to be too much of a grump. 

There are so many pieces of you I see in myself. So many slivers of your soul that slipped into mine. Part of me loves them, I can feel them spreading warmth and sunlight to the darkest parts of my soul. I know that wherever I am the best thing that ever happened to me is in me. Another part of me hates them, I want to rip them out of my chest with my bare hands and crush them. Not in anger but in frustration that only a little crumb of you is here when I need all of you. I love you too much

Mustxngkid (via wnq-writers)

@beautifulburnout

the duality of man. ( aka tag dump )

beautifulburnout:

After cleaning his paint brushes Jonny headed back outside to head home. He tucked his paint supplies into his messenger bag and started towards his truck. In all honesty, he hadn’t intended on being out here this late. He had only stopped by to do a touch up because his work had ended up smeared by curious hands. He was adjusting the strap to his bag when he rounded the corner and saw someone admiring his work. The artist smiled to himself and intended on passing by when something made him pause. He was about to mention that it would look better dry when Jaxon turned to face him. Those baby blues were a blast from the past and even if it had been ten years, he’d know Jaxon Sawyer from anywhere. He didn’t know what to do or say. Jonny rarely found himself speechless, but it figured that Jaxon could cause that. He could fuck him up with just a look. He didn’t expect this. Yes, he had ran into Mama Sawyer, but he didn’t think Jaxon would ever take interest in his life again. Not the way things ended between them. After a long moment he realized he was staring and so he cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Hey…um. Wow. Look at you, all grown up, Jax.”

jonny wasn’t supposed to be here. fuck, jax shouldn’t even fucking be here. but it was late, and he couldn’t sleep, and ginger was restless when he was. without the alpha sleeping, no one seemed to sleep. mama had told him about this. about seeing jonny. about seeing his painting. if you ain’t gonna talk to the boy, at least go see his art. it’s somethin’. he’d brushed her off in the moment, all but shutting down when jonny’s name was brought up for the first time in so many years. but he walked, and ended up here. and now jonny was too. it was stupid to think jonny would grow out of his late night habits. jonny didn’t know that jaxon had grown into them. he knew there was so much they didn’t know about each other anymore. 

if he thought he couldn’t breathe before, he really fucking couldn’t now. not with jonny, all grown up and filled out and just as annoyingly boyish, smirking at him like he was just on the verge of teasing jax about his scowl again. god, he’d stared down the barrel of a semi-automatic weapon and didn’t give a shit. but now jonny was looking at him, and he wondered how it was possible to still being in one piece with so much tearing at the inside of his chest.  “ y-yeah. uh... marines. and police force, ” he offered lamely, unsure of what else to say. ginger bristled slightly and leaned heavier against him. jamie just tugged and tried to get closer to sniff jonny. “ jamie. quit it. — i’m sorry. i, uh... got curious. i shouldn’t be here. im sorry. i should go. ”

the lost boys // jaxathan

the lost boys // jaxathan

his heart thudded harshly against the inside of his ribs, banging out a beat that rang in his ears and drowned out the city noises behind him. ginger whined and leaned against his leg, concerned at his stillness. but jaxon was frozen, staring at the drying paint on the wall, at the brushstrokes made by hands that used to paint neosporin over his cuts, at the marks left behind by a man he didn’t know anymore. jaxon felt sick, and scared, and that teenage angry heartbreak all over again. he shouldn’t be here. it was too much. but he couldn’t move. he could barely breathe. jonny had done this. jonny... 

jamie yipped and tugged at his leash, breaking the daze jaxon’s emotions had kept him in. he looked down in confusion, following jamie’s gaze, right into jonny’s.