Experience Tumblr Like Never Before
Sigma: So you were born on April first?
Nikolai: That’s right! April Fool’s Day no less! Probably explains why I’m such a silly guy!
Sigma: I’m starting to think you being born on that day, was the world playing the biggest joke.
Sigma: Why are you like this?!
Nikolai: *Setting up corpses like a child having a tea party* Sigma. We’ve been partners for three years.
Sigma: *drops a cookie* Fuck me…
Nikolai: *pops head through portal* On it!
Sigma: *screams*
Fyodor: I have been meaning to talk to you alone, Nikolai.
Nikolai: That’s great! I’ve been meaning to have a chat alone with you too!
Sigma: *walks by* Keep it in your pants, both of you!
Poe: I had a nightmare that I murdered you and stuffed your body under the floorboards. Then I began to descend into madness as I began hearing the sound of your heartbeat growing louder and louder with each second!
Ranpo: You idiot. Why would you stuff a body under the floorboards?
(Happy birthday Poe)
Sigma: Nikolai you are a very talented individual. You seem to bring laughter to others that are not your victims. So if you ever plan on finding a new job that isn’t for killing, I would gladly hire you.
Nikolai: So are we fucking or not?
Sigma: What?
Nikolai: ARE WE DOING THE SEX OR NOT!?
Sigma: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Dazai: *Flips a coin* Heads you kiss me, tails we make out.
Chuuya: *Makes coin float away*
Dazai:
Dazai: Alright, we’re fucking.
Dazai: Sit on his lap and feel him get hard.
Atsushi: You leave those mall Santa’s alone!
Nikolai: Uh oh look who got caught under the mistletoe.
Sigma: IS THIS WHY YOU CORNERED ME?!
Sigma: If Santa were real, neither of would be on the nice list.
Fyodor: Actually Santa has my name carved in marble from all the crimes I’ve committed.
Nikolai: Forget coal. Santa’s coming down the chimney for me with a shotgun after what I just did.
Chuuya: How do we wake him up?
Dazai: True love’s kiss!
Chuuya: What?
Dazai: I kiss him and he wakes up.
Sigma: *Sits up* I’m awake! Don’t kiss me!
Fyodor: I have a feeling I have upset you in some way, Nikolai.
Nikolai: *Holding a gun to Fyodor’s head* Actually this is me flirting.
Nikolai: *Texting* Come on. One night with me. I can introduce you to so many kinks~<3
Sigma: *Texting* WRONG PERSON! I AM NOT FYODOR!
Nikolai: Who said this was for Fyodor? ;D
Nikolai: I’ve been good this year.
Sigma: You kidnapped and killed political figures. Stabbed an orphan in the leg multiple times. Drugged me. Then broke into a prison to stage a break out only because you wanted to kill Fyodor.
Nikolai:
Nikolai: I helped stop those thieves at that theme park.
Sigma: *On the phone* Come get your clown!
Fyodor: Actually he is your clown. I forged your signature on a marriage certificate for him last night.
Sigma:
Fyodor: Congratulations Mr. Gogol. I wish you two the best.
Fyodor: Why do I need to renew my ID? I’m still the same person.
Sigma: *Saw his past and power* Don’t fucking lie!
Sigma: When I said “kill them with kindness” I meant be nice to them. Not buy over 7,100 knives, carve “kindness” in various different languages on them and then stab people to death with them!
Nikolai: I know I thought this was more fun. Even Fyodor chucked at the joke.
*Dazai and Fyodor surrounded by fire*
Dazai: So, do you feel at home here?
Fyodor: Are you implying I am a resident of hell?
Dazai: Never.
Sigma: Nikolai. Where are you going?
Nikolai: Probably an asylum or the electric chair if I get caught.
Sigma:
Nikolai: Bathroom.
Atsushi: Dazai, what are you doing?
Dazai: Thinking of someone very special~
*At Port Mafia Headquarters*
Chuuya: WHAT THE HELL?! WHY DID I GET A SHIVER DOWN MY SPINE?!
Sigma: I don’t want people being subtle with me. If you want something from me then please say it.
Nikolai: I want to fuck you.
Sigma:
Sigma: Go back to being subtle. For my sanity…
Lucy: Give it up. I have Tiger kitty’s heart.
Akutagawa: You may have his heart but I have the weretiger’s leg.
Atsushi: Oh come on! Again?!
Dazai: I’m great at seduction, I’ve had so many lovers I even lost count.
Kunikida: *Not looking up from his computer* Masturbation does not count as having sex.
Chuuya: You’re a pain in my ass, Dazai!
Dazai: Yeah, sorry about that I’ll use lube next ti- *Chokes*
Chuuya: *Strangling Dazai*
Mori: *Looks at Kouyou* You owe me Seven hundred thousand yen.
Kouyou: I could have sworn Chuuya was the dominate one in the relationship.
Atsushi: Why the hell am I wanted by everyone suddenly!? Where the hell was all this attention at when I was a child in the orphanage!?
Fyodor: You sound like you are going through a lot and are having a mental breakdown. However I do not care about your feelings, get in the bag.
Nikolai: *Barging into Fyodor’s room* FEDYA~ I made us tea!
Fyodor: That is surprising but kind of you. *reaches for a cup*
Nikolai: *Pulls them away* One second. *looks at both cups* Want both?
Sigma: What are you thinking about?
Nikolai: How good you would look, tied up, gagged, and in the trunk of a car~!
Sigma:
Nikolai: You asked~!
Dazai: Fuck you Chuuya!
Chuuya:*Not even thinking* Fuck me yourself, mackerel!
Dazai: *Unzips pants* Alright.
Chuuya: *Runs* Fuck no!
Dazai: *Chases him* I’m honoring your request, Chuuya~!
Kunikida: *Sent Dazai to get rid of Chuuya* HOW THE HELL DID THAT WORK?!
Atsushi: Why did you cut my leg off!?
Akutagawa: Because you made me mad!
Atsushi: All I said was “Do you want ramen tonight?” And then you cut my leg off!
Akutagawa: I don’t want ramen I want pork buns!
Atsushi: Then tell me like a damn human being not some damn rabid animal! This is why you don’t have any friends!
Fyodor: While you are here I would like to give you a word of advice. Never under any circumstance should you be alone with Nikolai Gogol.
Sigma: Why is that?
Nikolai: *Appears behind Sigma* You’ll find out later.