My Blog Probably Won't Have Anything Tbh

I was reading something about Whitestown, Indiana and my eyes nearly popped out of my head thinking it was one of THOSE comically racist towns. Nice to know, at least the name, wasn’t that.

Paramedics and Mental Health: A Critical Discussion

I’ve been a paramedic in Mississippi since 2014. I’ve seen a lot in those years—accidents, heart attacks, overdoses. I’ve handled death, comforted families, and kept moving forward because that’s what we’re trained to do. You learn to compartmentalize the chaos. You build a shell.

But in 2019, when COVID-19 arrived, nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

At first, we didn’t know what we were dealing with. One case here, one there. Then the calls started coming in faster, and suddenly, the radio never stopped. The hospital bays filled. People were gasping for air. Families weren’t allowed in. And despite everything we knew, everything we tried, people kept dying.

And the worst part? There was nothing I could do to stop it.

That helplessness—it stays with you. It’s different than anything I had faced before. This wasn’t just about one bad call, or one bad shift. It was day after day of watching people slip away, often alone, and then stepping outside into a world that didn’t always seem to care or even believe it was happening.

This blog is about what happens to people like me—and maybe people like you—when the trauma doesn’t stop after the sirens go quiet. It’s about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but not just the kind we hear about from the battlefield. It’s about the invisible wounds healthcare workers carry. The chronic stress. The moral injury. The soul-deep exhaustion.

It’s about what trauma does to the brain, how it rewires your body, your mind, and even your sense of self. And it’s about how we can heal.

Because if no one talks about it, we just keep suffering in silence.

For years, I couldn’t figure out my niche—what message I was supposed to share, or who I was meant to reach. I looked at what people cared about, what problems needed solving. And then, I looked in the mirror.

“I looked in the mirror….”

The number one problem I kept running into wasn’t out there—it was inside me. My mental health. My own struggles. Some days are great. Some days are not. There are mornings when I wake up with a pit in my stomach and nights when my mind won’t stop racing. Some smells or faces trigger flashbacks—old scenes that replay like a bad dream I never asked for. I’ve had panic attacks in silence, moments when I felt like I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t cope, couldn’t keep going.

“ Of Course, I take meds, and I go to therapy, but….”

Yes, I take medication. Yes, I go to therapy. But I’ve still wrestled with anxiety, depression, and even thoughts of ending it all—not because I wanted to die, but because I didn’t want to keep hurting.

But my faith in Jesus has anchored me. He has been my steady place when nothing else made sense. My love for my children and the deep knowledge that they need me has kept me grounded when the waves felt too strong. The waves are rough, and even more so, when you are drowning. Jesus is my anchor though, so He wouldn’t let me drown, and He won’t let you either, but you have to let Him fight for you, you can’t do it on your own. 

I’m writing this because I know I’m not the only one. I want people—especially healthcare workers who’ve walked through trauma they can’t even name—to know they’re not alone. I want to shine a light on what so many of us keep hidden. I want to break the silence around PTSD, anxiety, and the mental toll of being the strong one for everyone else. We try to fix everyone else, we go to work when we are tired, and we struggle through shifts helping others when we are just struggling to take the next patient, but if it’s one thing I know, you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself.

If you’ve ever felt the way I have, I want this blog to feel like a safe space. A reminder that your pain is real, your healing is possible, and your life still matters—more than you know.

What even is PTSD?

PTSD is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist act, war/combat, rape, or other violent personal assault. But it also includes chronic trauma—like what many healthcare workers experienced during the COVID-19 pandemic.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), PTSD is diagnosed when a person has been exposed to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one or more of the following ways:

Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to details of traumatic events (like first responders repeatedly seeing the aftermath of accidents or deaths)

Directly experiencing the traumatic event

Witnessing, in person, the event as it occurred to others

Learning that the event occurred to a close family member or friend.

Diagnosis? Symptoms? I know you have heard those words, but probably haven’t found a way to relate them to your own life?  

For a diagnosis, symptoms must last more than a month and cause significant problems in daily life. These symptoms fall into four categories:

Intrusive thoughts – unwanted memories, flashbacks, nightmares.

Avoidance – staying away from reminders (people, places, conversations).

Negative changes in thoughts and mood – feelings of shame, guilt, numbness, or detachment.

Changes in physical and emotional reactions – being easily startled, on edge, irritable, or having difficulty sleeping or concentrating.

But here’s what I’ve learned—PTSD isn’t always obvious, and it doesn’t show up just in flashbacks or nightmares.

There were times when I felt overwhelmed in a crowd—church services, grocery stores, even family gatherings. The sound of voices, footsteps, background noise… none of it had changed, but I had. Sounds that weren’t even that loud started to feel magnified, almost unbearable. I’d feel the tension in my body before I even understood what was happening in my mind. Sometimes, I had to leave a place without explanation, just to catch my breath.

I didn’t connect it to PTSD at first. I just thought I was anxious, moody, or maybe just “off.” But the more I learned, the more I realized: the anxiety, the depression, the random crying spells, the exhaustion from sleepless nights—all of it was my nervous system still fighting battles long after the trauma had passed.

On bad days, it’s like everything hits at once. I get physically sick from the emotional weight. I cry easily. I snap at my family even when I don’t mean to. And then I feel guilty for not being stronger. But now I understand: this is how trauma lingers. It doesn’t just live in the mind—it lives in the body.

But the truth is, PTSD doesn’t always look the same in everyone. And sometimes, people don’t even realize they have it—because the symptoms feel like “normal” responses to stress, grief, or burnout.                      

“It’s not about being weak. It’s about being wounded. And wounds can heal—but only when we name them”

Common Causes and Misconceptions

PTSD isn’t only caused by one horrific event. It can be caused by prolonged exposure to traumatic environments. That’s something I wish more people understood—especially in the medical field. Sometimes, PTSD can’t be pointed back to one particular event. It shows up when you go to the thrift store with yours kids, and you are standing in a long line, waiting to check out, to hear a crying child, or someone in a store is staring at you. What is worse, you think everyone is looking at you, your senses become heightened, and everything seems to be loud, the radio station in the store seems to have the most annoying music, and the door bell at the dollar store is getting on your nerves. You feel like you are taking too long to get your wallet out of your purse, and before you know it, you are so mad, and just ready to get home.  No one was probably actually staring at you, and some days you might not have even noticed the door bell in the store, but today you do, because you have stuffed all of the emotions from work inside. You have work multiple deaths at work in the past week, with no time to cope, just clean the ambulance, restock, do the paperwork and go to the next call. It all eventually has to come out at some point, with PTSD, you never know when it will show up.  I believe one of the worst instance, that I can think of, was going to one of my children’s birthday party’s. We went to a hibachi place, where they cook the food in front of you, on a fire. One of the cooks close by had cooked something and burnt it. The music, the crowd, the flames, and the smell. It was all too much. I had just worked a call that week, in which a young person wrecked, and burnt up in the car. The smell at the scene, the sirens, the lights and all the thought running through my head begin to surface at that very moment.  I struggled to work through it, but I had to. I had no other choice. 

It’s not just the call where everything goes wrong. Sometimes it’s the 100 calls that wear you down over time. It’s the shift where you’re out of ambulances, out of ventilators, out of time, and you still have to keep going.

Some common causes include:

Combat exposure

Sexual or physical assault

Childhood abuse

Serious accidents or injuries

Medical trauma—both as a patient and as a provider

Living or working through a pandemic

Misconception #1: “You have to have a breakdown to have PTSD.”

Truth: Many people with PTSD function well on the outside. They go to work, care for their families, and show up smiling—while battling constant anxiety, flashbacks, or emotional numbness inside.

Misconception #2: “It only affects weak people.”

Truth: PTSD is not a weakness. It’s a human brain doing its best to survive something that was too overwhelming to process in the moment.

Misconception #3: “Time heals all wounds.”

Truth: Time helps, but healing from PTSD requires more than time—it takes awareness, support, and often professional help.

Understanding PTSD is the first step in healing from it. If you see yourself in any part of this, you are not broken. You are responding in a very real way to very real pain. And you’re not alone.

PTSD isn’t something you just “get over.” It’s something you learn to live with, understand, and begin to heal from—one day at a time. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my trauma didn’t leave visible scars, but it still left wounds. Wounds that still ache sometimes. Wounds that still bleed when triggered.   As a heathcare professional, or not, you wouldn’t just put a band-aid on a laceration that needs stitches, you wouldn’t put pour salt in an open wound, PTSD is no different. We can’t just cover up our emotions, and not think they won’t eventually come out somewhere else.  All to often though, we remain strong for everyone else, when in truth, we are dying on the inside. We are falling apart, piece by piece, and no one knows it. 

But I believe healing is possible—not just physically or emotionally, but spiritually, too.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

— Isaiah 53:5

That’s the promise I hold on to. Not that I won’t struggle, but that I won’t struggle alone. Healing is a process—and I’m walking through it with faith, honesty, and hope that someone else reading this might find their way too.

-Thanks for reading.

Chastity Elgin NRP

Source: Paramedics and Mental Health: A Critical Discussion

Finally, a V-22 that doesn't crash

Of all the haikus that haiku-bot made, this one is actually good imo

being on tumblr is like being in a car in a parking lot

like it's technically public, but you're also sorta in your own little bubble, and people have to be Actively trying to listen in order to hear you, if they're even aware that you're speaking at all. and then sometimes you accidentally bonk the horn with ur elbow and suddenly the whole parking lot knows you're a virgin

Does this count as yet another time a star wars fan saying the sequel trilogy would've been good if it was good?

The cast of the Original Trilogy had cliched, boring character concepts that were executed wonderfully enough for it not to matter. 

 The cast of the Prequel Trilogy had interesting concepts that were executed poorly enough to make them seem utterly stupid. 

The cast of the Sequel Trilogy had amazing, thought-provoking concepts that were executed in the town square and put up on pikes as a warning to others.

So happy!

I know I sound like your mom but you kids need to stop fucking vaping

So, I was depressed recently. It was bad, I felt like I could barely function and existence itself was something I could not cope with. I was a rough time for me, and made worse when I found it hard to either reach out to friends or they were busy with other things.

Some of the few things that kept me from simply withering away, was a general sense of wanting to live, and my job. Those things kept me grounded when my friends couldn't be there. It was so bad, that I as a person whom loves to play games, felt it difficult to even go on and play any or finish them worst of all. In fact, as of right now, I have at least four games that I started either before, or during my most depressive state that I never finished. It was either the passion of the game petered out faster because of depression, I felt like the simple controls were too tedious and my depression forced me to give up. Or, the worst of all for one game, I was afraid to see it end. I had been scared to see these characters I grew attached to be forced to start living their lives without me being able to help them, or the fact that they may leave the game without me being able to help them more with themselves, since the point of the game was essentially to leave the place they were in and continue with their lives, for both the better and the worse. To go unflinchingly into an uncertain future with nothing but themselves, their desire to continue living, and those whom they can stand by or now have on their side.

I was so scary to see that I had no longer any hand in these people and getting their happiness. But, at some point, three characters helped pull me out of my depression in their own ways.

The first person was Ichigo Kurosaki from Bleach. He was already prominent person in my life way before. I always liked him because he was cool, powerful, and yet, still such a kind and stand up guy. But during my depression he also symbolized something else. Bravery and the ability to persevere. I had looked over his story once again and saw that even in the most despair filled moments in Bleach, when he was powerless, when he had no way he could win, he stood up and faced the nightmare in front of him, for all those behind him. Even when he had no way to fight back and his own despair led to tears, he stood back up and faced his opponent with what he had, unflinching at the idea he may lose, because he had to protect those behind him. He became a symbol that life is difficult and it's painful, but you must persevere, because there's others around you that you love and that you want to stay by, so face down your fears and push on, to see a better tomorrow.

The next person that helped was Reed, or Loughshinny from Arknights. Hers wasn't as big or grand as Ichigo's, but was nonetheless still another person who helped solidify myself from depression. Her words to the player character, the Doctor, was something that resonated with me because of how my depression was crushing me through my thoughts on mortality. The words she uttered that helped me were as such, "Do not fear, but do not disregard. Be light, be gentle... that is how you touch another." Her words symbolized to me that life is not something to fear and connection shall lead us forward. The flames she bears, the light she casts shall be those that lead others onward and herself. She will control her flames to not hurt another. If a life is like a flame, then I wish to have flames like hers, gentle, bright, and able to connect with those around her.

The last character I'd like to bring up and may arguably be the biggest influence, is Kiana Kaslana. Spoilers for those who have not gotten that far into Honkai Impact 3rd.

She was a clone made to essentially suffer after attaining the love of others, and to be able to love them back so she can obtain powers to essentially act as a key for a madman. She had attained most of the feelings of love and peace at a school where she trained to essentially be a hero, before she was possessed by essentially a goddess (a Herrscher) whom hated humanity with a burning passion. She was later brought back to her senses by a teacher of hers, whom had essentially became the only motherly figure in her life, but in exchange for rescuing her, she had died by her hands essentially. Soon after awaking she was hunted by monsters and had the malicious whispers of the goddess in her head, attempting to break her down. She tried to end her own life, but was stopped by a friend who had attached her sentience to her before she had been killed by another person. Soon, she remembered that her teacher sacrificed herself for her, so she began to start fighting for a better world for those around her so she could show her teacher that she made the right choice. At one point her drive to help others got her overloaded on her powers and essentially gave her a kinda space cancer (Honkai Corruption for the future), leaving her with 3 months left to live. She was fine with it, so long as she could continue to save others. But those that loved her could not bear it. One even went to work with the antagonists to find a way to save her, and had even managed to reduce the ferocity of her corruption. She then went to the home of the friend whom she held the sentience of. She then had to fight a Herrscher that had essentially taken the body of her friend, saw her memories and began to lash out at the world for the betrayals she experienced within them. Kiana managed to subdue her, but her friend planned on sealing her away at the cost of her life. She couldn't take it any longer, she had lost her teacher, the girl she loved the most had left to save her, almost lost herself and soon another friend all for essentially pyrrhic victories. She soon found her friend, used her powers to save her friend, because she no longer wished for such victories. She came face to face with the Herrscher inside her and accepted they were the same person, but born from two different desires, she then began to fight alongside her friends, in order to become a flame that blazes forward for all those to follow. She was shown beautiful things in the world by those around her that she loved and wished to protect them, love her friends and what they loved and march forward to a world that may be imperfect, but one so filled with beauty that she wanted to protect. She became a beacon of hope to me.

She suffered so much, yet she continues to live in a cruel world because it is still beautiful, and the lives within are so beautiful that she wants to protect all of them. She helped me define what I see as beautiful, lives that can touch others and bring about beauty in them.

These characters became so much for me, strength, connection, and beauty. I love these characters for what they represent to me and how I wish to live my life because of them. I wish to live a life that if any of them were real, that they could look at how they shaped me and feel pride that they affected someone so. I do not think I'm through depression, but these three, and others too, help me take steps forward and encourage me to do so, even when I feel like my legs are like lead, when my chest feels so heavy yet hollow that the weight burdens my mind, when I think the future ahead is so horrifically terrifying and unknown that I'm afraid to even live or exist, I shall move forward with the best smile I can have on my face and help put on others' faces so that I can etch myself onto others in the best way I can.

Some days I feel terrified to live, but they make me want to get up and face those fears.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.