Sometimes I Forget About The Magic. Like The Moon And Red Leaves And How The Apples Grow Again And Again

Digging deeper into AvPD.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD is focused on controlling anxiety, like an anxiety disorder.

It's self-reinforcing, like an anxiety disorder.

That’s what I wrote this other post about. But it’s more than just anxiety.

Because it also affects your life universally -- in practically every situation.

It affects your self-perception universally.

It prevents you from forming healthy relationships.

It affects your ability to feel your emotions.

And it’s rooted in shame.

The hallmark of AvPD is a fear of exposure.

A fear of being seen or known by others. You fear that happening because you feel inadequate, flawed, defective. Ashamed.

If someone sees who you really are, what you’re really like, and they mock or devalue or criticize you -- if they point out how flawed and messed up you are -- you’ll be thrown right into those feelings. It will (says the disorder) “become true.”

And experiencing that shame is so excruciating, you distance yourself from all your feelings in order to escape. (Feelings are an all-or-nothing deal.)

But as a result of being detached from your emotions, it’s hard for you to relate to people normally.

You feel like a fake, like you are just simulating what a Real Person™ should be doing in this situation. This is exhausting beyond words. Interacting doesn’t come naturally, because you don’t quite feel anything.

If you’re anything like me though, you are lowkey suffering 100% of the time.

You might feel like at any moment, you could explode and start screaming and never stop.

You want someone to notice, and care that you’re hurting and so so lonely, but you also want no one to pay attention to you ever because it is so agonizing to be seen.

And if you manage to get past that, you probably think your feelings are so unimportant, you shouldn’t bother anyone else with them. Trying to tell someone about what you’re experiencing just makes you want to cringe.

Or worse, it makes you want to slip into a terrifying blankness, with a vacant smile and deflection: “so how are you?”

This feels like dying. Which is not really so far from the truth.

But possibly the worst part is, you might not even be able to express what’s wrong. You just know: it hurts. You’re miserable. You want it to stop.

(Which doesn’t sound real or reasonable enough to tell to another person, for goodness’ sake. So you don’t.)

Living in avoidance really means fading out of existence.

It means exerting all your energy to make yourself an un-person. To make yourself so passive, so still -- so inert -- almost invisible, like the clearest water: all an observer can see is a slight reflection of themself on the surface. Everything about you is neutralized.

And this is the opposite of what we are here to do. What we’re here to be.

We’re meant to be vivid, powerful people -- we are meant to be connected.

We are meant to be whole.

And that is how we can recover, to reconnect with ourselves. Believe in wholeness!

Every part of AvPD is just the most rational, sensible reaction to believing that you’re fundamentally flawed, and that connecting with others isn’t safe.

And (while people debate about whether or not you can “recover” from a personality disorder) I firmly believe that the things you’ve learned, can be un-learned.

This is where it starts!

You can also look for ways to modify the situation to be more comfy for you! It doesn’t have to be the Scary Uncontrollable Situation you may be fearing.

If it’s a party at her house, maybe you can arrange to come early and help her clean, decorate, get snacks ready, etc. Then, even if you decide not to stay for the actual party, you get to hang out with her that day! And you have the opportunity to say happy birthday in person, give her a present, or whatever else you’d like to do.

More pros for getting there early: Would you feel more comfortable if you’re already relaxed in the environment, when the socializing begins? How about if you’re able to meet her guests one at a time as they arrive, rather than walking into a room full of strangers?

If she has any activities planned for during the party, you could also think about helping with those. (Sometimes I find it easier to interact with strangers if I’m Doing A Thing, and not just standing there being a person. “No need to pay attention to me … Pay attention to these drinks/gifts/kittens/goodies!”)

If the party is at a restaurant, where you’ll mostly be seated the whole time, see if you can plan to sit next to or across from her. That way, even if you just sit there quietly and don’t interact with anyone, you can still listen to her talk, laugh at her jokes, and be able to focus on the reason you DO want to be there – your friend!

And no matter what the conditions of the party are – if you go, you can give yourself a time limit, after which you can leave with zero guilt. (You don’t actually have to feel guilty for leaving at any time, but this is a lovely trick when your brain is disagreeing.)

Whether you’re there for 2 hours or 20 minutes, your friend will appreciate getting to see you on her special day =)

So I've been invited to the birthdayparty of my best (and obviously) only friend I have. I really want to go but I'm scared and I don't want to go. You know what I mean? I only know her and noone else. It's hard! When I think about it I wanna curl up to a ball in my bed and never leave it again.

This sounds tough. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to go, and your friendship probably isn’t in the balance over this decision. I know this feels like the weight of the world, but sometimes it’s good to realize that your friend probably doesn’t feel that way, and if you decide not to go, she won’t hold it against you forever if you explain. And if you’re close, I’m sure that if you explain that you are anxious and unwell, she’ll understand.

An option to try and make up for not going to the party is to set up a date for the two of you to celebrate her birthday privately. That way she knows you care, and that it wasn’t personal that you decided not to go to her birthday party. 

But if you do go, there are options, too! You might not know anyone, but you do share a common factor of having the same friend. That can be enough leeway for conversation and interaction. You could also try to stick by your friend and interact through her, although she might be busy because it’s her party. I’m also sure there are other people who don’t know everyone. I can promise that you are never going to be the only person nervous about what other people at a party might think of you.

Whatever you decide, good luck! And I hope it works out and you have a good time with your friend.

- Shinji

✨Stay safe ✨

Try stuff. Put plants in your room even if you aren’t the best at caring for them. Attempt that dessert recipe even if it turns out ugly. Listen to that music you’ve been meaning to try for a while. The world is full of infinite sources of goodness and the best thing to do it to try and find as many as possible.

Just a PSA: if you’re starting to feel like your mental health has been going down the drain and feeling really low and fatigued and finding it hard to do stuff, please be kind to yourself.

My psych has told me she’s seeing LOTS of people go into this state, and it’s because all the adrenaline and anxiety and stress at the start of corona has been used up, and now your brain is going into a sort of depressive mode.

So please be kind to yourself, don’t push yourself too hard and ask for extra support if you need it! !

Yes! This is very important. Those thoughts are coming from your brain because of your brain -- not because of who you are.

Think of all the situations you've experienced in the last year. Think of how many things you survived or accomplished or created. (Seriously, do it!)

Did you feel victorious and strong at the time? That would have been a feeling that was relevant to the situation, caused by the situation.

But a lot of us didn't feel inspired and mighty because of our victories. A lot of us still felt inadequate and fearful and ashamed. We didn't celebrate. We weren't in the moment. Our feelings weren't happening because of our lives -- just because of our brains.

Those are arbitrary feelings. In a way, they’re not quite tied to reality. Because they aren't dependent on what actually happens.

And when you're able to recognize them as such, it's a little easier to think of them as just background noise. “Oh, I’m actually anxious no matter what is happening around me. I actually feel bad about myself no matter how my life is going.”

And that can give you the chance to see what other feelings you may be having, in response to the actual situation.

Emotions are things that live and breathe, flex and bend and run parallel and contradict each other. They’re messy and real. So if how you feel doesn’t actually change with the situation -- something’s probably stuck!

something i need to repeat to myself five billion times: feeling that you’re the worst person in the world is part of a symptom, not some unfortunate, ultimate truth. there is nothing personal about it, despite what your brain may tell you. 

shoutout to all of us adults with trauma figuring out how to navigate identifying the need for boundaries, setting boundaries, and trying to be assertive in doing so. 

gentle reminder

the negativity that is going on in the world isn’t your fault, and you’re not a horrible person - please try your best to believe that, and to continue to fight for positivity in your own space, even if it’s just for yourself, or just in the smallest way; that light will grow, and make the world better, so have hope

Levels of relationship, part 1

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

I realized recently that I tend to try and categorize every relationship I form. Here’s how that breaks down.

Variables of a relationship

The quantity of time I spend feeling safe vs. scared with them

Past evidence of them being judgmental or trustworthy

How possible intimate connection seems

How rewarding intimate connection seems

From those variables, we get groups like this.

“Scary” person:

someone I usually feel frightened around

they’ve shown frightening behavior: they’ve treated me or others negatively in the past (acting critical, judgmental, rejecting, or cruel)

Intimacy is impossible.

I will never choose to be vulnerable with them, for any reason.

“Friendly” person:

someone I feel comfortable around

who has NOT shown frightening behavior

Intimacy is possible, but even if I achieved it, I think it has a very low chance of turning out well.

I could choose to be vulnerable with them, but I usually won’t, because it’s not worth the risk.

“Safe” person:

someone I feel comfortable around

who has shown trustworthy behavior in the past: I have been vulnerable with them, and they responded in a kind, supportive, accepting way

Intimacy is definitely possible, and I think it’s likely to have a positive result: they’ll probably be kind and supportive again.

I will probably choose to be vulnerable with them as often as possible.

It’s not this clear-cut or this conscious in real life. But looking at the patterns in my relationships, that tends to be how it divides. When I’m with some people, I feel really, shockingly good; with others, I feel okay; and with others, I feel really bad/afraid.

Who goes where?

For me, I assume most people are “friendly.” Acquaintances who have never frightened me go here. Strangers go here -- for me -- because why would they bother judging me? What are they judging me against?

People who are abusive or who violate my boundaries go in “scary,” of course. But, for me, so do people who are just really opinionated or blunt, because I have such a low tolerance for conflict and hostility. (People vary! Your criteria for “scary/unsafe” or any other group might be totally different, and that’s okay.)

The rarest group is “safe” people.

Because finding someone who’s basically never frightened me, who I’ve risked being open with, and who responded to me in the exact right way to put me at ease and make me feel heard and accepted -- well, that just doesn’t happen very often.

For me, the chances are better if they’re naturally mild and considerate people. And the chances are really good if they genuinely like me.

For more about safe people, you can read part 2 here.