I’m In A Winter Mood, (i’m) Dreamin’ Of Spring Now

best friends, ex-friends ‘til the end. better off as lovers (not the other way around.)

You get out of the hospital again. I’ve been worried sick. I’ve left you a dozen messages. What do you do? Do you call? Text? Tell me you’re home safe? No, you go to fucking Disneyworld while I’m worried sick, scared that the man I love is hurting. Scared that you might never come home. So I can’t forgive you for this. Not that you’ll apologize anyway. I spill my guts to you, I tell you the hell I’ve gone through, and you only acknowledge our two-month anniversary. I tell you everything hurts and you recite lyrics from a 2010 radio hit. You tell me you love me and it feels hollow and empty. 

Maybe your mom is controlling, but you’re the one who won’t make any efforts to see me. I’d walk through hell for you, and you won’t even call me back. I’m not even tired of your shit like I was before. I’m just angry. You’re so distant I can’t even get you on the phone to tell you I don’t think this will work out. Better off as friends, that’s how I’ll put it. But the truth is worse, because it’s true that truth hurts. You can’t even care enough to get up off your ass and do something, anything to get to see me. And I can’t be the only person in this relationship willing to do everything. I hate your favorite color and your favorite singer now. I hate your stupid, pretty face and your last name. I hate your bleached hair and hazel eyes. I hate the way I look at you. I hate that it hurts so much to say goodbye. I hate that it hurts so much to love you. 

I’m 99% sure these are all mine. The one percent is the NASA photo (I’ve been there but I can’t remember if I took it.)

I did the blackout poem and the drawings. The sheet ghost is me as a kid. The pigeons are from when I was in Vegas. That was great. I don’t see pigeons very often. They’re one of my favorite animals. Also my hand is there with my fall out boy bracelet.

@youreyesaremyfavoritecolor tagged me, so shoutout to them <3 (you’re awesome and this made me actually do something today)

saw the post in the screenshot (inside of the screenshot) and it’s the time of year where family is all you have, so…

By Sibil George photography

favorite color: black

last song: space bound - eminem 

currently reading: John Winchester’s journal

currently watching: The punisher

currently craving: that sonic burger I keep getting fuckin adds for 

coffee or tea: it depends 🤷‍♂️

tags:

@cool-lesbian-is-here, @stitchedribs, @soapiezzzz, @deadendgoal, @multimusiclover, @bloodynrves <33

Thanks @youreyesaremyfavoritecolor <3

get to know your moots tag game ! ✶ answer the questions, then tag six people

favorite color ꕀ green and brown last song ꕀ tú by maye currently reading ꕀ the luminaries by susan dennard currently watching ꕀ the great british baking show currently craving ꕀ massaman curry. like always. and like. alcohol and a couple cigs HAHA. a break too :P coffee or tea ꕀ always tea! i don't like coffee

ty for the tag @saltcxrcle ! tagging: @lelapine @toadspondofwhimsy @outof-spite @h0neyst4rz @hhoneylemon @our-lady-of-venom

delor.

the world is my stage and im blundering my way through a closed-curtain performance. a close call, set to halftime.

For J.

One day you won’t be little anymore. I can see it happening already. You’re almost as tall as I am. Your voice is getting deeper. It’s still cracking at this point and now we can’t sing the songs we used to sing together. You’ve always been my brother, but one day you’ll grow up. It feels like you’ll outgrow me eventually. I think I’d die. You’ll move somewhere far away. I won’t see you every night at dinner and I won’t be the uncle to those three kids you’ll have. I won’t have any kids of my own, but if I did, I’d like to think they’d know you. 

I hope you never leave. I hope we still talk in person and exchange funny stories thirty years from now. I’ll always take your side. Fuck wrong and right—you’re family. And one day if all the shit you’ve gone through catches up to you, I’ll swear on the Bible in a courtroom in front of the law and god, and I’ll tell them that you’re innocent—I’ll be your alibi—even if I know you’re guilty by my own eyes (even if we haven’t talked in years, even if your fingerprints are on the knife). Cause the day you called me brother was the day I decided not to take my own life. 

about ~yours truly~

Spencer. Sleep-deprived—slightly unstable—writer and ‘boy loser,’ (as the homie calls me.) I’m the world’s number one, professional oversharer.

This is basically just poetry and ramblings about my life and feelings. (Mostly ramblings, let’s be honest.) I AM an ally to communities im not a part of, so keep bigot shit off my blog.

I’m obsessed with a lot of bands and tv shows. Saw My Chem on October 19th & 20th, 2024. If you don’t like hello kitty, gtfo. I have a side blog, @number-one-castiel-apologist, where I talk about supernatural. A lot. Like a fuckton. So yeah. stay fuckin freaky man ;)

xo <3

‘If you’re the only one who knows the truth, only you can hurt yourself’

The city is endless and it is dark.  When there’s nowhere left for me to run,  the city holds me in its arms.  All I’ve ever asked of it was for a ‘’safe place’’ to fall apart. Drowning in the reservoir,  if I go too deep into my mind.  An optical illusion you can only see  if you’re on the inside (---in on the joke.) Ha ha ha. Laughing at me, a thousand smiling faces— a thousand more memories. There’s something hiding in the shadows,  in a corner.  In my closet,  behind a shelf.  This is why  I keep all the mirrors locked up. It can't hurt you if its not really there Scratch it out, scratch it out, scratch it— The record skips again, passing me over  for the eight thousand, six hundred, and forty ninth time. All I want is.. a second chance? A do over–again and again, Like an infinite loop inside my messed up head. ‘’Don't you think you'd be better off like the living dead?’’ Paranoia follows in my footsteps, A stalker in the night. He can never hope to catch up to me. I live in his house in the daylight. When the sun sets I sleep in the crowded streets. Begging for scraps of meat. Won't you grant me a sweet relief? I promise I’ll stay by your side,  day and night.  Like the hound that haunts you/Is this  what it feels like to know  Nobody wants you?

Internalized homophobia 

One of my friends recently confessed That he felt like he was going to hell  For who he loved and who he undressed.

He told me he didn’t know what the Bible said That he didn’t want to offend Me, but all I could do was feel sad for him For I know what it’s like to hate who you are, To hate yourself To want so badly to just be someone else.

Sometimes I still feel the weight in the back of my mind Like a ball and chain, dragging me down Suffering and shame, white out over my free name Replaced by freak, sinner, faggot, ashamed Some days I still think I might drown.

Hallelujah, hallelujah Doesn’t mean anything to me Anymore, I can’t know if I believe  Because the religion tells me love is a sin And if I’m a sinner for love, heaven Is never anything I want to get in To, not today or tomorrow  For to lose my love would be  The greatest shame and/or sorrow.

This is who we are, for forever We can’t change how we feel Not even in the passing days All we have is the thought of holding it together I don’t know how to put this any better, But I believe that it’s never getting any better.

One of my friends recently confessed That he felt like he was going to hell  And all I wanted was to tell Him, that love should never be forbidden That he’s too young to live with his heart hidden Away from the world The way that I felt When I was fourteen years old.