How Gay Do You Want Your Books To Be?

"Who's afraid of little old me?" is sooo Dazai coded 💖 🩶 🖤 🤍

*Highschool AU*

**Dazai**

*swarmed by his fangirls/boys*

Girl: Dazai-senpai, I really like you 💖

Others: meee toooo

Dazai: I think you are very pretty too~

Girl: would you go out with meee?

Dazai: *omg I am so popular, omg I am so loved, omg so cute juniors, omg I can't---*

Dazai: how about we meet up at----

Atsushi, dragging Dazai out of the place: Dazai-san not this again!!! Chuuya-san's been watching you out of that window

Dazai: H-He was?? Atsushi....can you hide me somewhere, I might die---

Girl: omg omg do you think Atsushi's the one senpai's dating?

Girl #2: why is it ALWAYS Atsushi taking the good ones?

Girl: I think it's cuteee

************************************

**Chuuya**

Girl: I l-like you, Chuuya-senpai

Chuuya: *not this again* I am sorry, I am not interested in dating

Girl: a-are you dating someone?

Chuuya: *there's no way I will admit I am dating that bandaged freak* NO

Girl: then do you like someone?

Chuuya: I guess so...

Atsushi: *walking outside the class*

Chuuya: *yes I can excuse myself now* hey Atsushi, wait for me!!!, sorry I gotta go

Girl: WHAT WHAT THE FUCK ATSUSHI AGAIN? IS HE COMPETITING AGAINST ME?

*later*

Girl: did you know Chuuya-senpai is in unrequited love with Atsushi

Girl #2: Atsushi really has it all huh?

************************************

**Akutagawa**

Girl: Akutagawa-senpai, I...I...

Akutagawa, staring into space:....

Girl: I like you...eh..I.

Akutagawa: sorry, I am dating someone

Girl: woah...I didn't know-who is it?

Akutagawa:....my pet

Atsushi, listening to this: hey, I am not a pet!

Dazai: you are like a cat, a pet cat!!! Hehe

*later*

Girl: I got rejected again

Girl #2: did you know I saw Akutagawa-senpai and Atsushi walking holding hands!

Girl: ATSUSHI AGAIN!!!

Girl #2: maybe you should try Gin-chan

************************************

Atsushi: why are you all following me?

Girl: teach us your ways

Girl #2: how do you do it? Catch em'all?

Atsushi: what

(after studying seriously for a month and still being aggressively average as usual I am back to Tumblr)

Reading TSH again and again and finding out more details and theories is always fun.

Like the fact the entire story happened because Bunny wasn't able to fast for some more time and got caught eating.

Or that no one would have found Bunny's death suspicious if it hadn't snowed

Or that Henry tried to frame Richard by making him write the calculations for the posion mushrooms

Or that Richard thought of murder as poetic as a coping mechanism

Or that none of these horrible things would have happened to Richard if he hadn't picked up the pretty brochure.

(edited after a re-read)

The many stages of depression: (TW)

Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.

It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.

As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.

I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.

Here it goes:

1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.

2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come

3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.

4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…

5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.

When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.

6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.

Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.

My new headcanon is that neither Atsushi nor Akutagawa know how babies are made.

Yosano: and they were totally doing it!

Atsushi: doing what?

Yosano: the deed!

Akutagawa: murder?

Ranpo: they don't know

Yosano: you two want some sex ed classes?

Atsushi: excuse me? That sounds like a bad word!

Akutagawa: I am not coming to whatever that is, we are not children

Dazai, with shining eyes: you see when two people really loovvee---

Yosano and Ranpo: *restraining Dazai*

Henry : Christmas lights?

Bunny: Check.

Richard : Thermos of hot cocoa?

Bunny: Check.

Charles : Santa suits?

Bunny: Check.

Francis : Shovel?

Bunny: Check.

Camilla: Alibi and bail money?

Bunny: Check - wait, WHAT?!

Funny enough the only two people I would be friends with (or interact with) in TSH if I was in the book are-----Bunny and Richard.

I am sorry as much as the others are more interesting. They are also TERRIFYING.

Bunny is an asshole, but I have met and been friends with so many assholes and even Judy likes him, he's the least problematic in the grand scheme of things.

And Richard is basic in a way he will never admit he is, he has his bad moments but he's still not that out of touch.

Do I adore Camilla? Yes. Would I talk to her? Nope, she would scare me. I won't be anywhere near Henry. I'll observe Francis from afar and I'll have a small talk ounce with Charles just cuz he looks like a friendly person. And that's it.

Richard: hehe....do you think Charles and Camilla are fucking eachother?

Francis: yes

Richard: *spits drink out* I was just kidding

Francis: we are all fucking eachother, when will you realise that?

(ps: I was clutching my imaginary pearls when that revelation happened)

THESE two are going to be the DEATH OF ME-------WTH IN THE ROMEO AND JULIET ARE THEYYYYY???? And I even mentioned how they PARALLEL EACHOTHER? AHHHHHHHHHHH ASAGIRI-----

Sskk is one of the most emotional rivalries/ships I have ever seen. It is a relationship that actually hits the heart. Skk is iconic. Kyoukenji is cute. Fyolai is poetic. HiguGin is heartwarming. But sskk?

Sskk is deeper than all these dynamics. The more you get into it the more parallels you see, the more symbolism you see. The things they say to each other both stings at times and also makes you cry.

Akutagawa is both at his best and worst whenever he is around Atsushi. And the more the story goes on the less bitter he becomes.

Atsushi despises Akutagawa but he still works with him, because working with Akutagawa makes him more secure, feel as if someone's got his back.

"Don't worry, go you fool"

"That's why Dazai-san left you"

"Just the two of us?"

"Do we need more?"

Akutagawa and Atsushi support and help each other. They work as a team. Putting their differences apart

Because they are quite similar, looking for one thing; reassurance and praise

They have had difficult childhoods with no parental guidance and they grew up to be very different in terms of personality because of their unique circumstances.

All of these emotions. All of this pain in them. That keeps them separate but it also brings them together. Because that's the thing that they both understand. What's it like to have nothing. And they fight because they just want to be a part of something.

And maybe in one universe where Dazai never brought them together, they might be the best of friends like they were always supposed to.

It doesn't matter how their relationship is, soulmates will always find each other.

After all the only person Akutagawa has smiled at besides his sister-------is Atsushi

"There are many types of monsters that scare me: Monsters who cause trouble without showing themselves, monsters who abduct children, monsters who devour dreams, monsters who suck blood... and then, monsters who tell nothing but lies. Lying monsters are a real nuisance: They are much more cunning than others. They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart; they eat even though they've never experienced hunger; they study even though they have no interest in academics; they seek friendship even though they do not know how to love. If I were to encounter such monsters, I would likely be eaten by them... because in truth, I am that monster."

~L Lawliet, Death Note Relight 2.