One Day I Promise You, You're Not Going To Miss Him Forever. As Much As His Memories Keep On Resurfacing

“Ainda assim, a imagem assombrou seus sonhos a noite toda: a linda garota que olhava as estrelas e as estrelas que a olhavam de volta.”

— Trono de Vidro

one of my favorite things about human physiology is the way our eyes change when we look at someone we love. our pupils dilate automatically like they do when it’s dark outside and they’re trying to let more light in. except now it’s the light of your favorite person. the edges of our eyes soften a little and they sometimes even get watery which we also can’t control. tears of joy. we tend to raise our eyebrows as if we’re trying to make our eyes bigger. trying to get a better vision and seeing all the details. we tend to blink less than usual just to make the moment last a bit longer. even if it’s just a second. or when you smile at someone with your entire face involved and your eyes just crinkle and create a sparkle in them. and it all happens so effortlessly and universally.

It hurts when you know what it feels like to love, but don't know what it feels like to be loved.

illicit affairs and clandestine meetings

“right where you left me” by taylor swift hurts me more than many of taylor swift’s other songs because, even though i’ve never felt the pain of a breakup, i’ve felt the pain of seeing myself as someone stuck in the past. i didn’t get frozen at 23 - i’m not even 23 yet -, but i think my mind froze when i was 17, when all my fantasies of growing up happy with caring friends and a caring boyfriend were shattered as i got thrown out of the closet. and it was the most excruciating pain i’ve ever felt in my life, and i never recovered from it, and sometimes i still think about the fantasies of a good life that i had when i was 17 and i think: won’t this bitch ever grow up? and then i realize the bitch is me and i had to do two things at the same time: i had to mature very quickly in order to not let my feelings be shown to the world, at the same time i had to stop every dream of mine from maturing. so i’m mature, but i’m not mature. this confusion hits me every single day, and i know i’d give everything to go back to when i was 17 and do something different just so i would feel better now - but this might never happen, right? i might never move on from the day when i realized the world is not what it looks like, and i don’t think anybody ever moves on when they feel the same realization, and everybody tries and finds other ways to pretend they’ve moved on, to pretend they don’t care about everything they lost when they were younger and felt frozen by the unexpected turnarounds of life. i hate that i can’t move on like everybody pretends they do, but i also hate that i had to move on so fast from what i should’ve lived more and never had the chance to live in a full form.

only 20 minutes to sleep, but you dream of some epiphany. just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you’ve seen.

-epiphany, taylor swift (2020)

epiphany definition:

a moment of sudden revelation or insight

she’s saying that these healthcare workers or soldiers only have 20 minutes to sleep cause they are in such difficult positions and when they do sleep they’re trying to escape the harsh things they’ve seen. these epiphany’s they are having are comforting.

i am so much older than i thought i was. it's as if one day i decided to run too far from the sidewalk where my chalk drawings are and forgot to come back. now i wander around foreign cities because maps do not guide me home anymore. i dine in timeworn cafés and write poems on discarded grocery store receipts hoping to brush my fingertips over those stolen years, but it only drifts further away each day. tender is the spine that bears one's childhood ghosts and this misplaced sorrow thrashes beneath the very skin i can never step out of.

" the love of your life isn't, always, the one you marry "

If you show me something you've not shown anyone else, tell me secrets you've not told anyone else and take me to places you've not taken anyone else to, best believe I'm going to publish a novel about how beautiful you are.

—

Do I really need to have a job for a living??? Is it not enough to live for saying hi to the moon, for scheming through libraries for hours just to feel warm, for sighing happily at that first sip of coffee on a misty afternoon, for smiling at every dog you pass by, for looking at the stars and feeling infinite, for peeling oranges for your lover, for walking through strawberry fields before dawn, for watching pride and prejudice for the 150th time and still being amazed, for writing a shitty poetry the first time you fell in love????