Ed: [deep Sigh]

Stede: Sometimes, people ask me how I manage my crew so easily. The answer is, I don't.

Stede: Yesterday The Swede called me into the kitchen and when I got there, Roach shot me in the throat with a Nerf gun.

Lucius, holding the door open: After you.

Izzy: Nah. I never let anyone walk behind me. 7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear.

Lucius: Okay, but that still leaves a 30% chance I'll attack you from the front.

Izzy: Yeah, but it'd be easier to stop. Or I could counter it-

Lucius: [slaps him]

[pulling up to another ship to attack]

Stede: Why are we doing this again?

Lucius: The crew says 'Go big or go home'.

Stede: Right then, let's do this!

[The Revenge goes right past the other ship]

Lucius: Uhhh, where are we going?

Stede: Home? Wasn't that one of the options?

[on a deserted island]

Izzy, in his journal: Day 1. Alone. Mentally sound, doing well. Met a crab.

Izzy: Day 2. I have married the crab.

Izzy: Day 3. I have eaten my wife.

Stede: And now it's time for some witty back and forth banter!

Izzy: [screams with rage]

Stede: I don't know where to go with that.

Stede: Let's talk about some of the emotions you may be feeling right now.

Fang: Stabbing.

Stede: Stabbing is more of an activity.

Stede: That I hope you don't do to me.

Stede: I made you a playlist! It has some songs I know you like, but I threw in a few yeehaw type jams 'cause you're a yeehaw type person!

Ed: I'm a what?

Lucius, not looking up from his book: He said you're a yeehaw type person.

[as ghost hunters]

Oluwande: I think a ghost just grabbed my ass!

Ghost: It wasn't me, it was Jim.

Jim: what the fuck dude

Jim: [sneaking around, trips and falls]

Spanish Jackie: Who's there?!

Jim: Nobody, fuck off!

Izzy, Fang, and Ivan: [arguing]

Blackbeard: [slaps arm on the table] WE ARE IN A GODDAMN IHOP. ACT LIKE IT.