Letter #8

(it was)

The uncertainty was a razor

Perched at the apex of my throat. 

I could never quite tell if it was love

And I suppose that now I will never know.

Letter #1

My body is defectively failing me Heart malnourished to the point of dysfunction Visions of past flood out my sockets Closing my eyes is impossible now We have passed the station Keep moving or die The clock ticks through tidal waves of thought What is touch without vibration What is a face without it's pores A hand rested on my cheek Gentle, soft, unassuming I could feel myself falling into it eternally But it stays only to taunt, maliciously linger Skin unfit for connection Calcified bones rotting deep Is the infection really to blame What no vitamins could repair My veins are cut thin Blood drips running ever thinner Would I still picture your face When I hear the passing of time asking for it's final embrace This ache runs deep within my chest I'm not so sure I did my best

Date written: 30th July 2023

I'm not good at this whole poetry thing, but hey, got to start somewhere. I hope that sharing this first post can be a good first step working towards that. Writing is kind of how I journal and since I don't share any of this with the people who know me, I can let myself be truly honest and just bleed through the ink until I feel better. It's cathartic, I like that. Ty to anyone who read this, it's nice to feel heard. :) ( I haven't used tumblr in so many years, oh god, am I doing this right? )

Instead of yellow paint

Maybe I'll eat bluebells

To caress a midnight sky

Perhaps a poppy-scented saint

Can somehow save my cells

Giving all this weight a soft goodbye

A tulip tastes the taint

A promise that quietude quells—

Spring will someday kiss me with a sigh

Letter #19

I tried to find your love At the bottom of my bag But all I found was hairties And receipts of our outings Forgotten about months ago I tried to find your love At the bottom of a liquor bottle But I got lost between regrets And memories of our laughter In a call that no longer exists I tried to find your love At the bottom of your shoes But their spot by my door was empty And the footprints I once followed Now covered in snow, invisible I tried to find your love At the bottom of this denial But deep down I know it's gone And your words have become relics Time didn't stop for us

Date Written: 8th of September, 2023

Sometimes I think to myself my heart must smell the same as my room, full of smoke and blood and air thick with the sickly sweet fragrance of regret. Maybe if these wrists drip a little more, my inner child will learn what it means to win.

A victory.

A reward.

A choice.

I hope peace tastes like the clarity I've only known to last in the quieter seconds, where a favourite song plays and suddenly the rain doesn't drip quite as heavy as before. Where you're standing at a crossing next to someone and they smile at you and say "I like your t-shirt", and flustered you say back "I like your tattoos, thanks" and go your separate ways when the lights change.

Both better, neither changed.

Where you look in the mirror to see the face you haven't felt close to in years, no longer cracked.

A ghost's perfect portrait.

Date Written: 28th of October, 2023

I feel so worthless without your gaze on me Stare, glare, bore your eyes straight through Leave nothing of me outside of view Attention to feed from, this insatiable desire to be seen Everyone's replaceably rested in disappointing scenes Wont you please give me pity dripped nice and slow I eat it up past full then shamelessly plead for more Consume me, devour my failed youth as your dinner Make sure to savour every short coming for desert Worry, resentment, anger, lust - dancing toe to toe As long as it keeps your sights set on me I thrive to keep my audience begging on bare knees Anything that holds their vision a little longer Without the only lenses that saw me kindly How could I ever see myself the same? Maybe it's why I search for affection in others despair Why I've chosen to dance, and bleed, and die Come, watch me violently wither by my own hands So long as it's witnessed, so long as it's real I don't care if you hate me, just say my name

Date Written: 28th of November, 2023

Letter #4

It rained in my head for years But look at all the flowers that bloomed from it As they grew I thought of us Our resilience created such beauty Now, as they come to wilt I find myself thinking solely of you

Date Written: 7th of August, 2023

Letter #5

The sharpness traces Gentle and cold Pressure brings warmth, a gasp Purely pleasurable relief Muscles forced into stiffening All while melting to belief "Red is the colour of passion" I tell myself as it trickles down my side Where engravings sing of promises Living life, finally feeling satisfied Guilty yet remorseless "What petal has yet to fall?" So sickly sweet, but is no treat Just a sucker left to crawl

Date Written: 7th of August, 2023

Letter #2

I think as humans, we often don't realize the marks that we leave. We're so self-involved and distractedly preoccupied by nature That at no fault of our own, We create a wall between us and our presence. So, it's no wonder that you hurt my heart sometimes. It's never your intention, Or at least I hope that's the case for the most of it. I know I've hurt yours intentionally. Perhaps we're bad for each other, A toxin neither can release themselves from the grasps of. Maybe it's just me, "I'm bad for you." Truthfully, I'm entirely unsure. You feel like you're bad for me. "I don't know what love was meant to feel like, But it definitely wasn't this." Does that thought ever reach you as well? I wonder a thousand things each day, Many miles away from the gazes we share in my mind But there's still this warmth I can't shake When a thought lands on you. This soul nourishing satisfaction, Like existing beside you is my truest form of rest. Even when you're being cruel, Even when we're in the worst of our nights. "I don't know what that is." I know that somewhere Deep inside whatever it is that makes up 'us', There is something that doesn't fit. Maybe there's hundreds of mismatched pieces, thousands even. Something so broken, no altered ego could mend. A part of me has always known we can't last, I understand denying it would cause both of us more pain - It's just that accepting that truth Brings more heartache than any fight. There's a reason neither of us will say we're ready, Surely though, I have to also believe There's a reason either of us will let go, ...Right?

Date Written: 5th of August, 2023

Just some tired, senseless ramblings. Getting tricky thoughts out of my head to make room for some more positive ones.

Letter #30

These shoes never walked a single step astray From the memories of skin in that dingy underway In their wake comes everything I once held dear to say Tightened laces bracing forth through times of "come what may" While you fall on a prayer you wont remember me this way Love, you wont remember me each day.

Date Written: 25th of October, 2023