Letter #19

Charles Bukowski, "hurry slowly," from Come On In!

Letter #23

On Spring's first morning

I lied down,

Let my feet touch the grass,

Released a year's long breath

And starred straight into the sun

Because if my body will not cry on it's own

Then I will have the light guide me to it

Every tingle of wholeness finally meeting

All combining into one unifying chorus,

"This is the end and beginning of my life"

Nothing else that ever was or will be,

No lover's touch, no teachable moment

Only this, this is it. I made it home at last

Date Written: 16th September 2023

Letter #24

Please rip this heart from within my chest

Just as you carelessly tore your way inside

Begging for mercy, please, let me breathe

My dear, you must be a skilled sadist

I cannot handle another thought of you

Falling seems an apt term for it indeed

Yet you smile brightly, so wholly unaware

As I pull at strings asking how this is fair

Painfully puzzling with no answers to find

Accepting that maybe, just maybe

Between us, peace was never an option

Date Written: 17th of September 2023

And we weren’t us anymore

Cole A.

Letter #15

I still think about you some days - Most days. It's been hard not to when the home you made for yourself in my heart was left to ache without any remedy or closure to sooth it. I wonder what you're doing now days, and who you're doing it with. The thought doesn't fuel jealousy through my veins so much as it does a sense of melancholic acceptance, as I know no matter where you found yourself, it wasn't somewhere I belonged. I hope you're going well, that your same bad jokes and unjustified confidence still annoy yet endear you into the lives of everyone you meet. Getting over you has been hard, impossible maybe, I'm unsure. Years in and my journey still isn't over. But, I know I'm glad that you left. Maybe I didn't accept it at the time, but this space has been healthy. You were a good chapter of my life, a fanciful page I needed to turn to feel satisfied by the storyline ahead. The fan favourite, re-read lovingly on special nights where the comfort of slipping into something safe is needed. I still think about you some days, most days, but it's less than I used to and I'm proud of myself for that. I'd like to think if we ever met one another again, it'd be in passing with awkward small talk and half-hearted goodbyes as our only exchanges - because as much as I cherish you still dearly, some things belong in the past as memories. Perfectly and sweetly, with love.

Date Written: 25th of August, 2023

Letter #5

The sharpness traces Gentle and cold Pressure brings warmth, a gasp Purely pleasurable relief Muscles forced into stiffening All while melting to belief "Red is the colour of passion" I tell myself as it trickles down my side Where engravings sing of promises Living life, finally feeling satisfied Guilty yet remorseless "What petal has yet to fall?" So sickly sweet, but is no treat Just a sucker left to crawl

Date Written: 7th of August, 2023

Letter #1

My body is defectively failing me Heart malnourished to the point of dysfunction Visions of past flood out my sockets Closing my eyes is impossible now We have passed the station Keep moving or die The clock ticks through tidal waves of thought What is touch without vibration What is a face without it's pores A hand rested on my cheek Gentle, soft, unassuming I could feel myself falling into it eternally But it stays only to taunt, maliciously linger Skin unfit for connection Calcified bones rotting deep Is the infection really to blame What no vitamins could repair My veins are cut thin Blood drips running ever thinner Would I still picture your face When I hear the passing of time asking for it's final embrace This ache runs deep within my chest I'm not so sure I did my best

Date written: 30th July 2023

I'm not good at this whole poetry thing, but hey, got to start somewhere. I hope that sharing this first post can be a good first step working towards that. Writing is kind of how I journal and since I don't share any of this with the people who know me, I can let myself be truly honest and just bleed through the ink until I feel better. It's cathartic, I like that. Ty to anyone who read this, it's nice to feel heard. :) ( I haven't used tumblr in so many years, oh god, am I doing this right? )

Letter #14

Hands sinking from this intrinsic weightlessness These contradictions spill out of me With every rhythmic throbbing of the arteries As though it were inherently innate to lose reason Reluctancy claimed it's vested right to my chest The thought bringing it all into perpetual deliberation An impending consequential end to touch Like a clock continuously thrust into resetting Hands disheveled, scraping, tired Sinking.

Date Written: 20th of August, 2023

Stitched holes in my black boots with fishing line Laced in memories of the hotel room we danced in The night you told me this city wasn't yours anymore Yet I would forever be your favourite home Tattered clothing held together by rows of safety pins Keeping the places you touched in tact a little longer So afraid of the day there's one wash too many And the scent of your shampoo leaves for good Duct tape over every seam of my messenger bag Desperate to hold together our long and messy history Carrying the last stray hairs of yours that held on Rested by crumpled receipts from times we'd share Laminated covers over every message you send me Collectors items, reluctantly aware I now have them all Nothing left but to sort them into colour-coded folders You always kept your desk space so well organized Maybe if I add enough paperclips this love wont fly away Just one more day, week, month, year - eternity One last second spent in the moments between us Before you end up in another beginning, someone else's arms Stationary drawers and laundry hampers can't solve this Our chapter was far too short to end where it did We still have strings I need to haphazardly mend And staples for you to punch through my heart With this final paper plane, addressed from me to you Promise I understand not everything gets to last You've grown too much to remain nostalgic any longer Though, I wonder if the sky can ever contain what you're after If we got another chance to do it all over, start from fresh Tell me, how different could our picture book possibly be? Time after time, I swear to you I would be content As long as on each page, remained versions of you and me I would've stuck to you like glue, unwavering, you know? Taping stories together, convincing myself of grand delusion While I wanted to wait for you, it burned when you didn't stay The truth is, we both deserve better than "someday" ... "You and me, someday."

Date Written: 23rd of November, 2023

Letter #13

I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I needed something that would keep me sane Same old one with the ultra slim filter, fresh burst blue I guess because somehow it still reminds me of you My mind wanders with each deepened breath Thoughts I'd share, if not for your death Would you be proud of me for just being around? Or wished I had done something more profound? With each swift flick to turn on my lighter I enter a strangers bed for another all-nighter I'd love to talk about him with you some day How this love left me a messy bundle of disarray For now though, all that remains is ash Memories torn, our photos left by the trash I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I wanted to feel like I did when I was ten At least I could talk to you back then

Date Written: 18th of August, 2023