Is Wanting To Vibe Under Wisteria With My Chai And A Book Too Much To Ask For?

But the world is strange and endings are not truly endings no matter how the stars might wish it so.

- Erin Morgenstern, The Starless Sea

The night sky see's it all~

02.01.23

Okay, so I need to start studying like crazy. Today I visited an academy which helps you prep for exams in the evening. I'll be joining it from tomorrow. I realised that I'm not just paying for learning, but for time allocation as well. I'm paying them to take my time so that I can get my life together. I hate how my self-accountability in terms of studying went downhill. I'll be waking up at 4 am from tomorrow.

w e d n e s d a y

♡ studying when you don't feel like it ♡

Today, I honestly didn't feel like studying. I felt disappointed in myself because the test results got announced and I feel like I failed myself.

However I'm choosing not to dwell on that feeling. I studied quite a bit today and I didn't let my emotions hold me back. I'm pms-ing hard af too. >_<

02.03.23

So, today, I got done with a lecture that I've been putting off since December. Feel much more productive. I have a long day tomorrow. I have 2 more lectures to go through and a 5 chap test of physics tomorrow.

“I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through. Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in a way that I'll know your mother's name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8.

See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree?

And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?

See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother's joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you've been cruel. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving.

And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds.”

— Andrea Gibson

I want to forget.

"...it is sad of course, to forget. But it is a lonely thing, to be forgotten. To remember when no one else does."

- the invisible life of Addie LaRue by V.E Schwab

"autumn killed summer with the softest kiss"

"The old gods may be great, but they are neither kind nor merciful. They are fickle, unsteady as moonlight on water, or shadows in a storm. If you insist on calling them, take heed: be careful what you ask for, be willing to pay the price. And no matter how desperate or dire, never pray to the gods that answer after dark."

- the invisible life of Addie LaRue by V.E Schwab

And there in the dark, he asks if it was really worth it.

Were the instants of joy worth the stretches of sorrow?

Were the moments of beauty worth the year of pain?

And she turns her head, and looks at him, and says,

'Always'.

-the invisible life of Addie LaRue by V.E Schwab