Scully Would Secretly Love Ethel Cain

有异装癖的现代人（。）

When oomf gets convinced by your yapping (propaganda) and starts getting into your current obsession

les mis enjoltaire fans will find the worst, grainiest, blinded by stage lights, most corrupted 30 seconds of bootleg on the world wide web and go "THEY HELD HANDS HEREEE"

can you really look me in the eyes and tell me Grantaire is a twink. you fool. you absolute buffoon

Les Mis facial hair headcanons

Because it’s the 19th century, your favs aren’t going to be clean shaven. Disclaimer that I know fuck all about historical facial hair, this is all vibes based

Jean Valjean

During his Monsieur Madeleine phase I think he has very respectable moustache, nothing crazy but very well groomed because he’s presenting himself as this bourgeois gentleman. Basically the same as the 1978 movie.

I think he grows out a full beard in the convent, partially as a disguise but also I think he wanted a change. Still very well groomed to keep up appearances and also because Cosette would tell him off if he didn’t look after himself.

Javert

Canonically has whiskers/sideburns and since Hugo pointed them out specifically I’m going to assume they’re very prominent like the photo below. Also he’s bald because I said so.

Thénardier

During his innkeeper era I think he has some crazy beard situation going on like the photo below, he thinks it makes him look like a distinguished businessman. After he loses the inn, he just completely lets himself go, which probably helps his begging scheme.

Tholomyès

I’m going to agree with the 2018 BBC series for once and say he has some shitty sideburns. He thinks he looks like a romantic regency hero, I think he looks like a prick.

Enjolras

The only one I’m accepting as completely clean shaven. He’s the marble lover of liberty, his skin is smooth as butter. Clean shaven is a misnomer, he actually just can’t grow a beard.

Marius

I think he really really wants to grow an awesome moustache like his cousin Théodule (who we all know has the sexiest facial hair in Les Misérables) but he just can’t grow one like but that won’t stop him from trying. He’s got one of those tiny thin moustaches that seem to be in fashion (think Timothee Chalamet). He cannot pull it off. Cosette spends months trying to find a polite way to tell him to shave.

Courfeyrac

One person I do think can rival Théodule’s moustache game is Courfeyrac. Just an amazing stache. He spends hours making sure it looks just right before he goes out. It’s his pride and joy. Really doesn’t help Marius’ low facial hair self esteem.

Combeferre

Sensible goatee thing (idk beards). Stylish and practical.

Bahorel

The full Karl Marx. Can’t be a lawyer looking like that (probably).

Happy birthday, Benedetto! 🎉

A word on Benedetto’s father figures

Because I’ve been thinking about it all week. Have some parallels and contrasts, my friends:

Villefort:

Starts off Benedetto’s story extremely strongly by literally burying him alive within minutes of his birth. No one has ever failed their son harder.

Might have been onto something when he said crime spread around him and from him like a disease. Seriously, look at this family! It’s so dysfunctional in so many ways!!! If you’re a nature-over-nurture person, it’s not that far-fetched to suppose Benedetto got the Criminal Gene™ from him.

Literally changed his name to hide his compromising origins (as much as humanly possible in the spheres he frequents).

Burnt Edmond’s denunciation letter. Guess who else likes to burn things?

Is brought down by the literal unearthing of his biggest secret, which in turn concludes Benedetto’s arc.

Bertuccio:

Is, literally, the one who gave Benedetto life, and the emissary of Providence™ who shows up to bestow blessings upon him at semi-regular intervals.

Unfortunately, those gifts are always cursed. Surprise salvation from the grave in the garden? Only happens because Bertuccio tried to murder the kid’s father first, and results in what is functionally a kidnapping. Surprise adoption? Results in Benedetto being raised by a literal criminal, who is #shocked when his protege starts hanging out with ill-intentioned older boys and disciplines him with what we can reasonably assume from the unreliable narration is the good old belt. Surprise life-changing information about his origins that Bertuccio held onto all these years? Only revealed to cement Benedetto’s status as Monte-Cristo’s puppet.

Crumbled the second Benedetto questioned his ascendance, therefore drawing a clear link between authority and paternity and reinforcing the kid’s desire to defy both.

“Major Cavalcanti”:

Is just Some Guy™.

And yet, they have so much in common: both are impostors trapped in Monte-Cristo’s web, both are passionate about scamming rich people. There’s a quasi-instantaneous recognition between the two and, because they share the same goal, they develop a strangely wholesome understanding…? It’s forced coexistence as much as it is respect, but it’s not deprived of a weird sort of warmth, and Monte-Cristo himself comments on how much it looks like actual familial love. The contrast with Caderousse could not be harsher.

In virtue of his fake wealth and fake fatherhood, the Major becomes the Ultimate Authority™ ‘Andrea’ name-drops every time he wants to advance in society.

Caderousse:

Outwardly, he adopts all the attributes of a good father. He taught Benedetto most of his tricks! He feeds him! He talks of all the hardships they’ve been through together, like a family would!

But, of course, what he’s really doing is blackmailing Benedetto. Caderousse wants money, and it’s taken him a while to actually get his hands dirty, but he’s finally graduating to murder! And his silly young friend should help him if he doesn’t want his blood spilled on Place de Grève.

Anyway Benedetto stabs that guy real bad. I thought it was hilarious of him.

Danglars:

As Andrea’s future father-in-law, Danglars is his ticket towards the life of luxury without effort he has always wanted.

Of course, Danglars is using Andrea for the same reason Caderousse uses Benedetto: for money. Both of them lie about what they own, ergo about who they are, to get their hands on what they think the other has. This is especially interesting when put in perspective with the brutal honesty Danglars employs when talking to Eugénie, who he treats like a son and almost business partner rather than like a daughter (Transmasc Eugénie Truthers, rise up!).

… But of course, he still wants people to think of he and Andrea as family to strengthen his own nobility: if his son (in-law) is a prince, a title Danglars repeats ad nauseam, doesn’t that make him a king?

All things considered, despite losing their freedom (temporarily in Danglars’ case), money and status, both of them get a relatively happy ending compared to most of the cast.

Monte-Cristo:

BUCKLE UP THIS IS THE MOST INTERESTING.

Twice Benedetto raises the possibility of Monte-Cristo being his biological father, a perfectly logical conclusion in light of what he has done for him; in turn, Monte-Cristo recognises Benedetto as one of God’s punishers, a title he otherwise only attributes to himself.

Both of them went through a symbolic rebirth after being buried alive.

Both of them were wrongly accused of being evil incarnate, but eventually graduated to Full-On Criminals. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies.

Escape Artists™

Both had to completely reinvent themselves, down to their names and origins, to achieve their ambitions.

Ruined engagement ceremony!!! This also draws parallels to Villefort and, interestingly, to Valentine and Franz.

THIS:

🇫🇷 « Ce calme, cette parfaite aisance firent comprendre à Andrea qu’il était pour le moment étreint par une main plus musculeuse que la sienne, et que l’étreinte n’en pouvait être facilement brisée. »

🇬🇧 « This calm, this perfect poise told Andrea that he was presently held by a hand far stronger than his, whose grip could not be escaped easily. »

Both Edmond and Benedetto know they are prisoners of people more powerful than they are, of the narrative, of a superior power that wields them like knives; both Monte-Cristo and Andrea accept their role as knives in the hope of eventually slicing through their ties. Whether or not they succeeded in the end is up to the reader’s interpretation.

talking to people while holding a beverage is awesome because you don't have to know what to do with your hands and when you don't know what to do with your face you can just take a sip

Do you think Marius intended to invite all the friends of the abc at his wedding. Do you think combeferre was meant to be his best man. Do you think he kept them empty chairs at his wedding table. Just in case.