You Are Connor Roy, And You Are The Only Child Of One Of The Most Powerful Men In The Country. Your Father

You are Connor Roy, and you are the only child of one of the most powerful men in the country. Your father eclipses everything in your life, and you are rarely denied anything. Anything that is, but his time. There are nannies for that after all. You are raised to believe that the business he is building before your very eyes is your birthright. You're a little fidgety, true - a little bit soft. Your mother will sometimes rest her forehead on yours and call you a dreamer. You think she means it as a good thing, so you aren't sure why she says it so sadly.

You are Connor Roy and when you're 10 years old, your mother decides that she's had enough of everything you've ever known. She takes you with her to find "something different, something real." She calls it the adventure of a lifetime, but the faraway look in her eyes when she grasps your shoulders like a lifeline makes your stomach turn. So what does your old man do to get you back? What does he do with all that power his friends are always reminding you of? Absolutely nothing. With every day you spend without him, the reality of who your father is seeps into your bones and you feel real fear for the first time in your life. The reality is that being soft will not be tolerated and that family is only what Logan Roy says it is. The reality is that you are weak, and your father would never fight for a weak boy.

You are Connor Roy and when you're 13 your mother is carted away to a place upstate. No one asks if you'd like to visit her, but your father scoops you up and tries to sit you on his knee the way he did when you were younger. You're much too big for that now though, awkwardly sliding off and sitting next to him instead. She's a psycho he says. She put you in danger he says. Part of you is furious. Part of you is seething at him for saying that, for abandoning you, but mostly you feel relief. For the first time in three years you have more than enough food to eat and are not constantly worried that the alimony check will be spent on booze and pills. Your father, for all his faults, is sturdy and secure. He's your old man and he came back and this time he'll be all the strength you need.

You are a twenty year-old Connor Roy and you are peering into the eyes of your replacement. They're dark, not like yours, but the tufts of hair peaking out from the blanket that swaddles him remind you of your own. You hold him in your arms and he peers up at you, a soulful gaze that sucks you in until you're completely lost. Spellbound, you pull him a little tighter and sink into the nearest chair. You should hate him, you know, but the idea of hating someone so small makes you sick. In those eyes you can see the same promise your father probably sees; This one doesn't have a crazy mother in the middle of nowhere, this one is a clean slate, this one can be strong when all you can be is weak. Holding that newborn in your arms you resolve not to fight as your birthright is snatched by a tiny thief - to instead cling to this new, better family your father is building and to build them up in return. After all, family is what Logan Roy says it is.

You are Connor Roy and you do what you can. You stay present, stick around when you could be off making something of yourself. You give yourself to them in little ways, in ways you wish Logan had given himself to you. You take your little brothers on fishing trips, you let your baby sister climb on top of your back and dig her heels into your kidneys as you crawl on the hardwood. But part of you will always want to be as far from your father and his overbearing presence as you can. The houses you have built are always rural, always quiet and lonely, everything that Logan Roy isn't. You don't want to think about why that is. When you aren't there you know he pits them against each other, you know that they're starting to claw the weakness out of each other. The love you offer them is met with derisive snorts and rolled eyes - they become more like your father than you could ever dream to be. You're left behind, abandoned again, deluded and desperate in thinking that someone - anyone - could love you the way you need.