Squeakthefangirl - Squeak The Fangirl

mood

my hot take

Not only are there stupid questions, but they will cost you.

at the end of each ep of queer eye when the dude shows off his new look to his family and friends

May: hey guys have you seen Fiona?

Joanna: She’s in the other room crying but just give her some space for now

May: why is she crying?

Robyn: she‘s sad because snakes don’t have any arms

Fiona in the other room crying louder: WHYYY!!!

In High School Musical 2 Sharpay very clearly states that they have “…Iced tea imported from England, life guards imported from Spain, towels imported from Turkey, and turkey imported from Maine.” In order to import an item, it must come from another country. The series is set in Albequerque, New Mexico, and as New Mexico and Maine are both part of the United States Of America, they cannot have their turkey imported from Maine. As most of the characters are white, and all speak English, this clearly indicates that High School Musical takes place in an alternate universe where a second Civil War has split the nation and New Mexico is no longer part of the Union, based on the fact that we never see the characters celebrate the Fourth of July. In this essay I will

My siblings and I shouldn’t watch movies...

Officer: *points at lineup* Who did it?

Me: It was the bear.

Officer: CUFF HIM!

Other Officer: *sobbing* The cuffs won’t fit!  They keep sliding off!

To Brighten Your Day

So, I work at an elementary school.

Today, the instructor was teaching the different variations of Cinderella.  (There’s over 900 recorded, apparently.)

A point she was making was that there is no such thing as a boy story or a girl story-even though media says otherwise-because we should let everyone enjoy whatever stories they want. (Within reason, this was for little kids.)

So, obviously, the little kids at first are like, “NUH UH, THIS IS A GIRL STORY”, but they quickly warm up to it when she says, “You’ve all read dog stories, right?  But shouldn’t only dogs read it, cuz it’s a dog story?” etc.

Anyways.

So, she was like, “So if you see a boy reading a book about...flowers..what do you say?”  To get them to come up with responses for how to deal with that.

But IMMEDIATELY these two little first-grade boys pipe up.

“Hey, I like flowers!”

The kid sitting next to him turns to him.  “Hey, I like flowers, too!”  They grinned at each other.

“Everybody likes flowers.”  And they high-fived.

And the instructor and I are just dying.  A) because it’s super cute.  B) because her point was made and C) we couldn’t have coaxed anything better out of them.

Kids are cute, it made my day so I hope it makes yours, you may continue scrolling.

Dear guy who just made my burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing life a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.