“I Love You" Seemed So Scary To Say You Took The Fear Gifted Me The Words I've Never Heard Leaving

I am sorry but I am not going to make it Instead, I will float in the sea of unconsciousness and slowly drown to the sound of your voice I am sorry but I am not able to be yet I will rather remain as an ungrown flower and hide in the shadows hide from the sun hide from the rain only to avoid growing up and to stay a child I am sorry but I am not ready to fall this early because if I fall for you you are not able to catch me and I can't fly yet I am sorry but I am not ready to leave my nest yet I am not ready to fly not ready to grow not ready to be the human you try to see in me

I am tired

of the numb feeling

of tiredness

which drugs

my mind

until I feel

nothing

When will appear the day where I am finally ready to open my eyes? Stop hiding from days, months, years which I apologize with "Today is just one of the other kind"

Where I will stop dividing days into "this kind" and "good kind"

Where I won't fear falling asleep because of how terrifying it feels waking up and living without changes

Where driving home won't feel like an obstacle I can't overcome but end up panicking every Sunday all over it again

Where I am ready to open my eyes and perceive the colors of the world swallow them and start to see what I am missing by holding my eyes closed

respect is not love and not a quality to fall for it’s a simple thing an act of human decency so don’t fool yourself by thinking they are the one only because they are human and know how to act like one

today I love you

tomorrow I hate you

next week we are forgotten

today you love me

tomorrow you miss me

next week we are forgotten

My

actions

are not

to blame

for your

mistakes

stranger

You are just a stranger I introduced to my heart so it feels less empty and I less alone

I am just a stranger you introduced to your heart so I would satisfy your needs and you would feel complete 

We are just two stranger who agreed to use each other  to fill our desires in the most egoistic way possible 

You placed your heart closely next to mine and I felt warm I felt whole I felt like my heart will never beat again if it isn't close to yours

I got lost in your sheets in the tightness of your arms in the rhythm of your breath in the warmth of your heart

yet I found myself in love a place of tenderness I found myself with you a place of lost and found

distant soulmate

our timelines do not cross in a million lifetimes I am here, you are there you are here, I am gone only the lonesome nights we spend on our own letting us dream of something more

how to fall in love if there is nothing to fall for? and believe me a stolen laugh is not nearly enough to call our nothingness an illusion of love