A Baldur's Gate Portrait Inspired By The Style Of The Disco Elysium Portraits. She Looks Away From The

Sincere question to any other writers: what's some advice you have about not comparing yourself to other writers? I've kind of just written in my own bubble for most of my life and a lot of my work has never seen the light of day because I'm still in the phase of my journey where the idea of sharing my writing makes me incredibly anxious. Being on this site and seeing how many other people are writing such good stuff, especially in the same fandoms as me, makes that feeling worse. I guess I'm afraid of not being good enough, original enough, or creative enough to "keep up" with other people and make something worthwhile. And that makes me not want to write, and I hate that feeling. This is just something I really want to work on within myself, because it can be overwhelming, and is holding me back a lot.

I do wonder how much he remembers about his schooling. Like if something happened that triggered his memory, would be start spouting off random legalese?

He's such a silly goose 💚

[From the game's datamined dialogues, described as "voice barks for Astarion as the player interacts with the screen"]

Daily reminder to myself that:

I don't need to write for anyone but myself.

My personal writing has no deadlines. I'm not falling behind anyone, because I'm not in competition.

There is nothing to prove.

Originality is not the end-all be-all. If someone else has explored the same idea as you before, that doesn't make my version any less valuable or meaningful.

I can write what I want.

There is no reason to hold back anything on the page. No reason for shame or hiding or preemptive self-judgement. I have no audience unless I choose to let them in.

The "quality" of my work does not determine my value as an artist or a person.

I don't need to write like anyone else

Not everyone will understand and that's okay.

IT DOESN"T NEED TO BE PERFECT

Or even "complete"

In fact, let go of the idea of perfection entirely.

Writing should be for joy, growth, and expression.

All the music that plays during character creation just unlocks a part of my soul I can't describe. It's beautiful and I'd like to live in that feeling, please.

Finally made my version of Batstarion! Because I love both bats and Astarion.

He is a scary and powerful vampire, as you can see. (I think I made him way too innocent-looking. Imagine him with little angry eyebrows, maybe)

Made mostly of felt/wool. I modeled him after a northern ghost bat rather than a vampire bat, sorry. Someday I'll make a more realistic, fully articulated version (perhaps a vampire bat), but bats are harder to make than I thought. Hope you like him!

A (Bitter?) Taste of Power

I’m currently in Act III of my very first BG3 playthrough. I’m enjoying myself immensely in a way I didn’t foresee; I guess I had been too tired of AAA games to believe BG3 could impress me. And yet, there’s a marvel around nearly every corner of the story.

For example, the little cutscene in the flophouse between Astarion and his siblings. I almost missed it entirely, because in my party, Shadowheart has Lathander’s Blood equipped at all times, and that thing emits light. So before I even registered there were any vampire spawns in the vicinity, two mysterious NPCs – Dalyria and Petras, as I was not-so-soon going to learn – went up in a puff of blood-red smoke, even while standing behind a $#%! wall (praise our lord Lathander and his light that shines through solid obstacles). If not for Astarion’s comment, I would probably think it was just some weird glitch on the periphery of my screen.

Anyway, several in-game hours later (and some online searching) I realized I’m not going to meet them again elsewhere and if I want the cutscene, I need to go back to a way earlier save.

But I don’t regret it. The encounter was worth every bit of lost game progress.

It’s no secret Astarion has a penchant for casual violence and cruelty. Kicking squirrels, using mind control to tell others to gut themselves – he may approve of all these actions, should Tav choose to commit them. Enough sitting around – let’s go hurt someone is one of Astarion’s lines said with such playfulness it makes me chuckle every time. And yet, at least during my playthrough, I haven’t seen him act brutally outside of combat. The spawn would approve if my Tav were a bully (he isn't), but up until now, he never did anything himself.

I suppose during Act I and II Astarion is just this kind of a mean kid who likes to watch from the sidelines, hiding behind a tougher ally, and snicker quietly. He’s probably still too scared, still feeling too weak, still trying to get the hang of his new situation. At least, that’s how I imagine it.

Travelling with Tav and others empowers him, little by little. It’s a good thing in general, but there are bumps in the road. As I watched Astarion manhandle Petras, I realized what happens if the work stops halfway – if Astarion gets confident enough to act on his own, but not confident enough to understand he doesn't need to be cruel to show others his worth.

People who are truly self-assured don't need to prove this by outbursts of brutality. They can afford to show clemency. The scene with Petras and Dal shows Astarion still isn't free of Cazador’s influence, as he keeps confusing cruelty with power and power with self-worth. So he has grown enough to take action (instead of letting others handle things and watching from the sidelines), but the underlying motivation remains to avoid appearing weak. Deep inside, there's still anxiety, fear and self-loathing.

There's one more factor that plays a significant role in this scene. Astarion acts tough in front of his siblings, because now he has backup. 

You have no idea what I can do. The sun can’t harm me, Cazador can’t compel me. I don’t need to fear him anymore.

Boastful, isn’t he? So different from the time when my Tav first suggested disposing of Cazador. I still remember how Astarion snapped at Yae for not knowing what he’s saying or who he’d be facing.

But why do I get the feeling Astarion is trying to convince himself as much as he’s trying to convince others? And that he’s trying to impress his companions as much as he’s trying to intimidate Dal and Petras?

Soon enough, the façade crumbles, as Astarion starts to discuss the event with Tav. He gets defensive, he comes up with a whole range of excuses, explanations and justifications. He may even say he's capable of doing the right thing once in a while, as if he deserves a medal for not burning Petras to ash.

I think a part of him knows he overreacted. And the insistent voice in his head tells him other companions will judge him for that and abandon him. The fear finally resurfaces at the end of the dialogue:

We are a team, aren’t we? You’re still with me?

Still placing his worth in extrinsic things, like the support of his new friends. Still so scared of being alone. Remember that memory of the year spent sealed away in darkness?

This is such a potent cutscene; it gave me a lot to chew on, especially regarding headcanons and the relationship between my Tav and Astarion. Yae is no saint himself, but the display of unnecessary cruelty gives him pause. He may need time to process what happened, and temporarily keep more distance from Astarion, which the latter will – of course – read in the worst way possible. There will be misunderstandings, angst, arguments, reconciliations.

But this is a story for a different time.

⊱✿⊰

Postscript:

The date on the file tells me I've written this text over a month ago. 

But then anxiety kicked in. What if I'm wrong? I haven't even finished the game once, I have no right to join in the conversation! I know nothing, I haven't played any of the origin stories! What if there's that obscure bit of dialogue you only get by playing the game for an umpteenth time in a very specific way that sheds entirely new light on this scene? I'm not as smart/observant/articulate/whatever as others!

It took me almost six weeks to realize I can't let my anxious brain win this one. Even if I'm “wrong” (can personal interpretations and impressions really be “wrong”?), this is a testament to how much I've grown to enjoy the game and love the characters and their stories. So, if you've reached the end of this post and even read this postscript – thank you. This is an important step in my fight against the Anxious Brain.

“Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined.”

― Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous

I heard this quote a while ago, and can't stop thinking about it in regards to Astarion. I also saw a post a while ago that I cannot find now (should have reblogged it) of headcanons on how Astarion's trauma might manifest in a relationship. Specifically, how being showered in love and praise can be triggering and overwhelming. To summarize a complex feeling, it could make one fear that their partner is idealizing them.

This becomes a prevalent theme in the fic I'm working on, as my Tav treats Astarion very gently and with care, even from the beginning, as an unconditional baseline. He doesn't know how to handle it. It agitates him because he feels like her gentle handling is due to her thinking he's breakable, or because she pities him (she doesn't, and treats him with more respect and agency than most others, but Astarion's mind works against him). He hates feeling that way, because it highlights just how much he's only ever known harshness before her, but more importantly, how he fears others might see him as being weak. He has to learn to take her genuine compassion and love for what it is, and moreover accept that he deserves to be treated this well. River has to learn that she doesn't need to be so careful around everyone all the time — to be perfect and please them. That's not how genuine, equal relationships work, but she's just not used to having that. Astarion will feel more secure when she trusts him to speak up about his comfort and needs himself, rather than her walking on eggshells to avoid ever ever making him feel bad in any way. They work through this together and have a stronger bond for it.

I love writing characters struggling to be better people when their current traits aren't necessarily "bad", just that there's room for growth in challenging their behaviors and beliefs.

I love the clip where Neil Newbon talks about how he wanted to make Astarion's laugh kind of abrasive or off-putting... because little does he know that just made him more endearing. Oops.

larian writers, with hands placed on astarions shoulders like a proud parent: this is a thoughtful and touching narrative about male victims of abuse

fans: hey, thats fuckin sweet! do you have any more of these stories in your game?

larian writers, grimacing as they turn their heads towards wyll and gale: okay so, in our defense, it gets kinda murky when its a hot white woman doing it

gale stans: wasnt he groomed?

larian writers: but he liked it? his ultimate goal is to get back with her :)

wyll stans: isnt it kinda gross that the devil who owns his soul keeps blatantly sexually harassing him in front of everyone as a form of humiliation-based punishment?

larian writers and also whoever the fuck wrote that christmas animation (you motherfucker, when i fucking get you i stg): i know canon says otherwise, but he secretly wants her. dont you want her? you can fuck her if youd like

halsin stans: hey, so, uh-

larian writers, sprinting out of the room: