So Delicious.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

Numb. Yes, that’s the word. I want to feel numb. I don’t want to be on this rollercoaster of emotions anymore. One minute I’m happy, the next I’m sad. One minute I trust you, the next I think you’re a liar.

Trust. It can’t go on without trust. And you’ve ruined that trust once before. I used to think you were the best person in the world. Now I’ve come to learn you’re the worst of them all.

And I refuse to trust you again. I won’t do that to myself. You’ve put me through enough.

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There is such a thing as a happy ending.

No, not the Cinderella gets with the Prince type of happy ending. Not the bad guys get caught and the protagonist triumphs type of happy ending either. Sometimes, a happy ending simply just means coming to peace with what the conclusion came out to be. It may not be the ending you wished for, but as long as you have a will, and there are days ahead, you can make that ending however you want to make it. So you didn't get into your school of choice. So you didn't win the design project. So the boy you waited for didn't wait for you. It's all going to be okay. How do I know? I don't. But I trust in myself and I have faith in my future.

Uncontrollable.

There are just certain aspects in your life that you simply can't control. You can't really control who walks into your life, and sometimes you can't control who walks out of your life. Unexpected events that can occur can break your normal routine as well. Some of these events can turn into blessings while some other events are still taking time for recovery. Emotions. Sometimes it's hard to control them as well. You get angry, you get sad, you are elated, you're in love. So many emotions come and go repeatedly throughout our lives. Hopefully someday we'll have it all figured out. Until then, I'll stumble and fall as I find my way. Bruises and nightblindness and all.

And I Let Go.

And today, I’ve decided.

That I will let go.

Let go of the past. Of all those fond memories.

No use reminiscing the past if it’s only bringing up sad feelings.

Look at what you just lost.

Sorry.

I'm one of those people that is guilty for over-apologizing. "Sorry, I'm in your way." "Sorry, you dropped that because I distracted you." Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. To me, a sorry doesn't cost a lot and is something I don't mind giving out. However, there comes a time when you realize that the word "sorry" doesn't solve everything and that the other person truly doesn't deserve that word. Instead, I end up feeling sorry still for the other person, who is unable to see their mistakes and move past it. Just because I won't apologize doesn't mean I'm still lingering over it. Often, it means I don't care. If I've moved past it, what's keeping you from doing so at all? And so I end up feeling sorry after all. Oh, the irony.

Bridges.

"It takes both sides to build a bridge." But does it only take one side to burn it down?

Thousands of Times.

I think you’ve crossed my minds thousands of times today. I won’t say millions because I try my best not to think of you. It’s like my security blanket got ripped away. From spending all day talking with you, knowing everything about you, what you’re doing, what you’re feeling... to nothing.

I guess we’re strangers now.

All that’s left is just a feeling of loneliness.

Of extreme sadness.

Who do I turn to now?

Unsaid.

Some things are just better left unsaid. I’ve never been good with words, especially on the spot. I usually take my time to think about what I want to say and sometimes it takes me a while to respond.

But sometimes, there’s no point in saying anything more. If it’s not going to change anything or fix the problem, why say more and possibly bring more hurt? The trust has already been broken, wounds already inflicted. We can’t go back and change the past. Some mistakes you can fix, some you can’t. Forgiveness is one thing, but forgetting is another thing altogether.

So I’ll just leave it as it is.

Late Night Thoughts.

Insomnia strikes again. I used to have really bad insomnia in college. But after working two jobs and going to school, I wore myself out so much that I was thankful to go to bed. But it seems like my insomnia has returned. Maybe it's the coffee I had hours ago. Or maybe I just have too many thoughts in my head. Today, I thought about how fast this year has gone by. Looking back at this same day last year, things have changed so much. Last year, I was headed on the trip of a lifetime. I was on a mission trip out of the country and it was the most inspirational and amazing thing I have done thus far. Never would I have thought I would be able to last that long overseas and in those conditions I had to go through. But that was nothing. It was nothing compared to all that I saw, the things I was able to experience, the people I had met. Besides the things overseas, things at home were also completely different. Family and friends were all well, relationships with everyone were good. This year, things are a bit strained and it really bothers me that I can't fix it. Maybe it's because I lacked the courage that I had so much of last year. Or maybe it's how it's supposed to be for now. Maybe this is a lesson in life. Or maybe I should just roll to the other side of the bed and count sheep.