Im Cdyibg

im cdyibg

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pairing : minho x gn!reader

summary : minho had waited in front of the entrance of the forest for you until the sky darkened, his eyes welling up with tears as he came to accept that you had forgotten about him that day. maybe you needed to go home that day and forgot to tell him before school, he thought. although, he realized something far greater than that had happened as he arrived at the front of your house, the for sale sign standing in the yard without a trace of human presence in the home.

wc : 3.8k

cw : childhood friends, arguing, angst, sadness, mentions of bullying + racism/xenophobia, mentions of alcohol, idk what else

a/n : tried a new writing styles, lmk what you think!!! also pls let me know if you guys are interested in a part 2 :3 this fic is very much inspired by the movie past lives heheheh

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The low buzzing of mosquitoes filled your ears while you wandered down the dirt trail with trepidation as the vast forest surrounded you the deeper you ventured in. Tufts of grass tickled your ankles as your clammy hands clenched your best friend’s, who had dragged you out against your will, insisting it would be a fun adventure to test your bravery.

Every now and then, he’d look back and shoot you a wide, childish grin, a gap taking the place of the front tooth he had just lost last week. “C’mon, Y/N! Walk faster!”

You nodded meekly at your friend, admiring how he fearlessly marched forward, while you anxiously trudged behind him, biting your lip to release some of the tension in your body. Every rustle of leaves or snap of a twig would cause you to jump, afraid that something would jump out at you in the next second, but Minho’s gentle grasp would always bring you back down with a reassuring squeeze, reminding you that you were not alone as you hiked into the unknown. You weren’t sure where you were heading, neither did you know if the seven year old boy ahead of you knew, but his presence was enough to ease you, trusting that everything would be okay as long as he was there.

“It’s okay, Y/N, we’re almost there! You’re going to love it.”

Although only ten minutes had passed, it felt as if this journey was lasting for an excruciating amount of hours as anxiety loomed over you. All you could see was the different hues of green leaves enveloping you, the site of the park you had come from no longer in view as the forest swallowed you whole, only bits of the sunlight made its way through the dense leaves above you, coloring the dirt path with shadows and lights. You looked above, hoping to find the comforting blue sky looking down on you, but not even the heavens were there to accompany you on this trek. It was just you, Minho, and the eerily quietness of the woods.

You decided to put your blinded trust in Minho, shutting your eyes closed as the daunting feeling of claustrophobia began to bubble up your stomach, not daring to take in any more of your surroundings. Suddenly, Minho had come to a stop, causing you to collide into his back as you slowly opened your eyes, unsure what you’d be met with.

“We’re here,” Minho whispered to you breathlessly from all the walking, turning his head to look over his shoulder, “Look, I found it the other day, it reminded me of you.”

You reluctantly peeked your head out from behind him, a small and excited gasp escaping your lips as you marveled at the sight before you. It was like a photo from one of your nature books had come to life before your eyes. There laid a pond with clear waters and lily pads floating atop of it, soft ripples forming in the water as tadpoles swam just beneath the surface. Just to the right of the pond was the faintest stream of water cascading into the pond, bubbles forming where the brook met the pond as the light trickles of it accompanied the low hum of the forest.

You had forgotten you weren’t alone as Minho’s giggles brought you out your trance, his eyes beaming with affection as he watched your frightful expression turn into one of amazement and discovery.

“See, I knew you’d like it. Sometimes you need to pass a test of bravery to get something cool at the end.”

For a seven year old, Minho often said profound things as if he had lived a life full of experiences, things only an adult from a movie or book would say, but in his own childlike vocabulary. You didn’t always quite understand what he meant, but always kept those small tidbits of profundity with you, hoping one day you’d grow to learn the meaning behind his words.

“But jeez, you’re such a scaredy cat. You should’ve seen the look on your face,” he teased as he now faced you, a hand pinching one of your cheeks.

And sometimes, he would just be like any other kid who was messing with his friends, saying something outrageous and nonsensical the next second. He was a strange kid, but you had grown to adore his unpredictability throughout the years of your friendship. You rolled your eyes playfully at his remarks, knowing he meant well, “So what if I was scared?”

“I think it’s cute when you’re scared. You always hold my hand when you are.”

Your face grew warm at his comment, an innocent smile gracing his features as he looked off to the pond. You pouted as butterflies fluttered into your stomach, making their presence known for the umpteenth time today, “Whatever…”

You returned your attention to the pond, walking to its edge as you squatted down with an arm and head resting on your knees as the other reached down to touch the cool water. Your fingers dipped beneath the surface and waved underneath, hoping you’d catch the attention of the tadpoles, but instead the sudden movement shooed them away.

“Minho?”

“Hmm?”

“How did you find this?”

The boy stood in his place from earlier, opting to admire the scene from afar, “Well, I went out exploring with my dad the other day and it was just here. I learned the path back to show you. Do you like it?”

“It’s so pretty. Can we come here again?”

“Of course.”

Since that day, it had become a small ritual between the two of you, stopping by nearly everyday after school to spend time by the small pond as you slowly learned to appreciate the peaceful quietude of the wilderness. On the days your mother would tell you she needed you home after school, you’d always approach Minho with big, teary eyes and trembling lips, disappointed that you’d have to miss out on a time you had cherished so much with him. And every single time, Minho would pull you into his embrace, place a small kiss on your head, (a gesture he had learned from his own mother), and reassure you, promising that you both would go the next day.

This routine had lasted for a bit over a year, until one day your parents sat you down and told you that the family was moving away to the United States later that month. You had known this was going to happen eventually, as your parents mentioned this in passing to you over the last few months as they prepared for the move, but your child brain couldn’t comprehend the passage of time and just how fast this had all come. You immediately broke down into tears, begging your parents to let you stay, not wanting to leave all your friends behind so soon, not ready to confront the uncertainty this new country had. You were scared, terrified for what this had all meant, and the worse part of it all was that you wouldn’t have Minho holding your hand through it all this time. He was staying behind, you were leaving him.

Days had gone by as the day you were moving had come close, and you still hadn’t told Minho that you were moving. You didn’t know how to, you were afraid he would cry or be angry at you, so eventually, weeks had gone by without you saying a word.

Then, you left without a word, never telling your best friend you were leaving and never giving him the chance to send him off with a proper goodbye.

Minho had waited in front of the entrance of the forest for you until the sky darkened, his eyes welling up with tears as he came to accept that you had forgotten about him that day. Maybe you needed to go home that day and forgot to tell him before school, he thought. Although, he realized something far greater than that had happened as he arrived at the front of your house, the for sale sign standing in the yard without a trace of human presence in the home.

Panic settled into his body as he sped his way home, not being able to understand what was going on as he rushed to his mother, tears falling down his face as he screamed that something happened to you and your family, how you never showed up to the pond that day.

His mother leaned down as she pulled him into a tight hug, a comforting hand rubbing his back in an attempt to soothe him, “Oh, sweetie, didn’t Y/N tell you?”

Minho looked up at his mother, his face reddening as he continued to sob, a confused look on his face as he shook his head no. His mother cooed at him with a saddened look, pressing a kiss on his forehead, “I’m sorry, sweetie. I thought they did. Their dad got a job in America, so their family is moving there.”

Minho stood there in shock, sniffling as he croaked another sob, “What? Does this mean they’re gone? They’re never coming back?”

“No, baby, they’ll come back eventually. I don’t know when, but they will.”

You had abandoned Minho with no warning, consequently breaking his heart as he mourned the loss of his best friend.

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While your parents kept in contact with one another, Minho refused to ever speak to you over the phone whenever he had the chance, as the love and adoration he once had for you festered into anger and resentment for leaving him without warning.

It hurt you every time you asked over the phone if Minho could talk, and all you would hear was a loud, upset no from the background after his mother would ask. Your eyes would water up each time, his mother apologizing for him and saying he would soon get over his feelings.

You hated living in the United States. It was an entirely different culture you were not prepared for as you struggled to communicate with other kids your age, unable to make friends due to the apparent language barrier. Everyday after school, you’d come home in a flood of tears, exhausted and upset at how difficult everything was.

You couldn’t understand your teachers and lessons, always performing poorly even though you knew you could do well. You couldn’t make friends, always being made fun of by other kids due to your accent and jokes constantly flew over your head. Everything about you had become a weapon everyone else had used against you, and the parts of you you once loved and once were proud of became something you rejected, something you felt ashamed of. Back home, you were so smart and witty, always the center of attention, yet here, you were just a stupid kid who didn’t fit in.

You missed Minho so much, wishing he was here with you to help you fight through it all with your hand in his. If he was there, he would’ve told off all the kids for you. He was much braver than you ever were, and you needed him there. Although, as time ran its course, you eventually gave up on the idea of ever reconciling with Minho and thought he would reach out to you whenever he was ready.

Except that day never came, and he had long become a memory of a past life you no longer knew.

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Years have gone by since you left your home country and all you had left of it was the faint outlines of memories that faded away with age, much like how pencil marks slowly disappear from paper as time wears it down. Well into your adult years now, you have grown accustomed to life in the United States and have eventually learned the language, made friends, and even lost touch with roots as many immigrant children do. Although, as you grew older, you began to yearn for the country you once called home and remember where you had come from, feeling ashamed that you had neglected such a crucial part of your identity for so long.

Today, for the first time in years, you and your parents returned to your home country as a small celebration for your college graduation, deciding it was appropriate to revisit your childhood before embarking on your journey as an adult. You already had a job lined up once you returned to the states, so you were going to take advantage of the limited time you had here.

Much like you, everything here has changed through the passage of time, yet the familiar comfort of home remains as your eyes scan over each detail through the car window. Even the humid air smelled the same, your face smiling as memories slowly crept their way into your mind. As the car drove you to your aunt’s house, you were catching glimpses of the past as convenience stores, parks, and even your old school greeted you, still looking the exact same as you remembered, but just a little dulled down as the years weathered on them.

The car came to a halt at the front of your aunt’s home, your parents and you taking your luggage from the trunk as you bid the driver a goodbye. As you were approaching the front door steps, your aunt came bursting out with an excited gasp, tears filling her eyes as she pulled you into a familiar embrace, “Oh, Y/N! Look at you! You’re all grown up now!”

She pulls away as her hands rest over your shoulders as she takes a moment to beam at your face, taking in every detail she had missed over the years, “My, aren’t you adorable too! I’ve missed you all so much,” she laughed cheerfully as she then went over to greet your parents in the same fashion.

“I missed you too, auntie,” you breathed out a content chuckle as you enter her home, admiring how it still looked the same way you remembered it, just a bit more modernized.

After settling down in the guest rooms, your family sat with your aunt to eat a dinner she had prepared for you all, even going as far as making some of your childhood favorites. Each bite sent shivers down your spine as your eyes rolled back with nostalgia rushing over you, reminiscing all the times you spent as a child eating each of these dishes at the very table you were sitting at.

“Wow, this is all so good,” you mumble after taking a huge bite of meat, letting out a pleasured hum as you chew.

“Y/N, honey, please don’t talk with your mouth full,” your father scolds, shooting an apologetic and embarrassed look to his sister.

Your aunt let out a belly laugh as she waves you dad off, “Nonsense! Let them enjoy their food. I am just glad you have you guys back.”

Your mother smiles at her comment, nodding her head in agreement, “Us too, it’s good to be back, even for a bit. Thank you for having us.”

“Oh, of course. How could I ever say no to my brother?” smiles your aunt, before turning to you, “Is there anything special you wanted to do while you were here? Do you have anything planned?”

You shake your head, “No, not really. Just kinda wanted to spend time with family for the most part.”

“Oh, what about Minho? I know you two were close as kids. Are you going to see him? He still lives here.”

Your heart stops for a moment as your brain recalls your old best friend, a name that hadn’t crossed your mind in years as fragments of your memories began to resurface, ones that you didn’t even know you have. “Wow, I forgot about him, honestly.”

Your mom gives you a comforting smile, noticing a slight sadness in your eyes, “Well, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to catch up with him, no? Aren’t you curious to know what he has been up to all these years?”

You nod, feeling uneasy at the thought of coming face to face with your former friend after the stunt your younger self pulled on him, “Ah, maybe. We’ll see.”

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You had spent the last few days catching up with your cousins, letting them take you out wherever they thought you had to see and show you what you’ve been missing. Unfortunately for you, that meant you were dragged off to a night of drinking and while you had fun with lots of laughs, you were beginning to regret all the alcohol you had ingested the night before as you woke up with a pounding headache.

Since the day your aunt mentioned Minho over dinner, you couldn’t help but wonder what he had been up to nowadays, what he looked like, if he had changed much, your heart yearning for the boy you once loved as a child. While you could’ve easily asked any of your family members where to find him, you were also dreading having to face after so long. What if he was still mad at you? What if he was disappointed in who you’ve become? What if he had become an insufferable asshole over the years?

The insurmountable what-if’s were too much for you to bear, choosing it was best to avoid the subject much as you both have all these years. Yet, you couldn’t ignore the pang in your heart as you looked through your old memories of him, part of you wishing to relive that childlike innocence you lost when you moved away.

That’s when you remembered the old pond Minho and you once frequented as children and thought maybe this was the respite you needed for not only your hurt soul, but your hangover too. Maybe you needed the peace and tranquility of mother nature today.

You felt your heart swell with anxiety as you approached the start of the trail you had become so acquainted with, noticing the same trees decorating the entrance, the only difference was their thickened trunks and roots that had overgrown onto the poorly maintained path.

You begin to make the trek into the forest, enjoying the gentle zephyr that kisses your skin, inviting you back into your old safe haven as if it recognizes you. The familiar buzzing of mosquitoes greets your ears, along with the songs of birds filling the rest of the space.

A gentle smile melts onto your face as you arrive at the same pond that somehow remains unchanged over the years, just like how you remembered it all those years ago. It was as if you were going back in time as you took in your surroundings, your mind replaying memories of the days you and Minho spent here as children, recalling the first time he had forced you out here and how glad you were that he did.

There are still tadpoles swimming in the water, your smile widening as you realize the frogs are still laying eggs here, even after all these years. You feel at home again seeing how this was like your own little time capsule, a feeling of safety and comfort taking over you, one you hadn’t felt in years. You don’t know how much had passed, but the sound of crunching leaves and twigs startled you from your daze, visibly jumping in place as you turned to see the source of the sound.

Behind you was a man about your age standing there, surprise and confusion painting his face, scanning you from head to toe while analyzing your features. Your face mirrors the same expression he wore as you took him in, your eyes widening as you recognize the man standing before you as none other than your childhood best friend, Minho.

Somehow, he still looks like the boy you once knew, the only difference being that he grew into his feature with a more matured air around him, his eyes tired from god knows what.

“Y/N…?” he spoke with disbelief, not entirely believing the sight before his eyes.

“Minho?”

For a moment, both of you could only stare at each other, unsure how to react or what to say in the moment, as it felt like you both had just seen a ghost appear in front of you. Your mouth dries as you search for the right words, resisting the overwhelming urge to just jump into his arms and cry out a mess of an apology between tears.

“You’re… here? You’re back?” he questions with a gleam of hope in his eyes, all the memories of his youth flooding back in as his heart swelled with joy, the bitter resentment he had held for so long disappearing for a moment.

“Just for a bit,” you whisper nervously, “I’m just visiting with family.”

The soft smile on Minho’s face began to drop as disappointment colored his face, the hurt he felt all those years ago as a child bubbling back up in his tummy, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth while feeling foolish to think you had moved back home.

“I… Y/N, why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”

You felt your heart contort from guilt and agony as you watched Minho’s smile dissipate, his eyes now shining as they watered while recalling the painful memory of the day you left.

“Minho, I’m sorry, I really am. I tried to apologize to you after, but you never wanted to talk after.”

“I waited for you that day. I waited for you to come here, but you never showed up. I went all the way to your house and saw it was empty. My mom had to tell me,” you were wishing the world would swallow you whole as tears streamed down your face, “Y/N, did you not want to say goodbye? Did you not even miss me?”

“Of course I missed you, Minho. I wanted to stay here with you, but telling you I was moving was scary and I didn’t know how.”

His eyebrows furrow at your words, his lips trembling as he tried to hold back a cry as he croaked out with a mixture of sadness and anger, “You left me, Y/N. It wasn’t fair, you don’t know how much I cried for you. Did you even care about how I felt?”

“Minho, I know what I did hurt you and I regret it so much, you meant so much to me, but I was just a kid. I didn’t know any better.”

Minho focuses his gaze to the ground as tear drops roll off his face, the fabric of his shirt darkening as they make their landing, shaking his head side to side, he whispers, “You know, I was a kid too.”

With that, he looks at your face with a hurt expression one last time, turning his back towards you as he walks away, not failing to leave you with a gut-wrenching thought, “Maybe you shouldn’t have come back.”

This wasn't the hangover cure you came looking for.

🎬 UPCOMING SERIES: "Not Even the Gods Can Keep Me from You" !!

PAIRING: Odysseus! Gojo Satoru x Penelope! Reader

GENRE: Historical Drama | Romance

STATUS: Coming Soon

SYNOPSIS: Gojo Satoru was meant to return home after the war, but the fates had other plans. Twenty years, countless trials, and a relentless storm of enemies stand between him and his beloved.

INSPIRED BY: EPIC the Musical by Jorge Rivera-Herrans

ORDER IS SERVED !! go here

🎬 UPCOMING SERIES: "Not Even The Gods Can Keep Me From You" !!

TEASER:

"Promise me you'll come back."

The scent of iron and smoke still clings to him, a ghost of the battles he's fought, but when her fingers trace the scars on his skin, he realizes—this is the kind of war he fears most. Not one of swords and blood, but of longing, of a love so deep it threatens to unravel him more than any enemy ever could.

"I will," he swears, managed to choke out, pressing a lingering kiss to her knuckles. "Not even the gods can keep me from you."

But the gods are listening as they are cruel.

That single moment lingers, just for a moment. Gojo Satoru cradles his newborn son in his arms, his thumb brushing gently over the baby’s impossibly small fingers. The little boy stirs, letting out a soft whimper, and Gojo leans down, pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead.

"My little warrior," he murmurs, voice barely above a whisper. "My Son..."

His heart clenches. This should be a beginning, a lifetime ahead of teaching, guiding, watching his son grow. Instead, it feels like an ending.

A final farewell.

He straightens, eyes meeting Y/N’s—the love of his life, the woman he is leaving behind. She holds their son close, her expression unreadable, but he knows. He knows the weight of this goodbye will never fade.

"I will come back to you."

Not even the gods can keep him from them.

🌊 THE JOURNEY BEGINS SOON.

📌 Taglist open! comment to be added to the official list.

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601 notes View Post

qnqwr

2 years ago

As a student, Y/N had to study hard for her future. She'd take it too far that at some point, she'd forget to reply to Xiao's texts.

On the other hand, Xiao didn't think too much about it. He's had those moments wherein Y/N would work herself off to the point that she'll focus on one thing only, studying.

Xiao:

Hey, are you free?

I was thinking we should hang out for the weekend

Take care.

Read 10:02 AM

Looking up, the weather looked nice. It'd be fitting for a lovely date. That's what Xiao thought, but looking back he thinks that Y/N would definitely turn down that offer.

Y/N:

Sure, I'm feeling burnt out now. I'd definitely be out for food.

Read 11:34 AM

Xiao:

Great, meet you at Heroes Park at 1:00.

For the first time, Luck was on Xiao's side.

absolutely sorry for the inactivity, been busy studying lately. Thank you for reading, stay safe !

Tags

genshin impact childe x reader genshin fluff tartaglia x reader thank you sooooo much ajax x you

119 notes View Post

qnqwr

1 year ago

ty for this 😔

I need more of this genre of Minho

Random Minho gifsets [5/∞]

1K notes View Post

qnqwr

10 months ago

𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓. | 𝐗𝐈𝐀𝐎

— when your greatest love throws itself at you at a time you’re not meant for it, do you risk it all, or keep your peace?

content/warnings: romance, angst, best friends to lovers, mutual pining, unrequited love (misunderstanding), emotional cheating, has a timeskip, modern au. unedited.

Deep into August, the sun extends its arms over the horizon to caress your bare legs. Your arm is thrown across your face to shield you from the sun, the narrowed eyes contrasting with the equally blinding grin you wore. Toes curled into the sand, you buried yourself deeper into the lap of the person as grim as the dark shades he wore, a handsome frown visible on his agitated face. You couldn’t help but smile wider and reach up to pluck the shades from his nose, appreciating that he accompanied you to the beach despite being uncomfortable with crowds.

“Xiao?”

“What?”

“Am I deep winter or smooth spring?”

Brows furrowing, he licks his lower lip before closing his book, the tip of his index finger squeezed between the pages. Sweat trickled down his skin, sure to have the ink staining his damp fingers until the words slowly tattooed itself onto his skin. Sitting up, you steal his free hand into yours and watch as Xiao’s gaze zeroes on your fingers looping through his, cheeks tinted red either from the heat or your gesture.

“You’re summer August, and I’m deep winter,” he answers vaguely, retracting his hand before shielding his eyes with the shades sat at your lap. “Does that answer your question?”

“It does, but I have another one. Why am I summer August?”

Xiao’s nose scrunched–a rather adorable sight, if you were asked. “You’re warm. If the color yellow or orange became a person, it would’ve been you. Bright. Radiant,” the concentration on his face mirrored the ones he wore when working. You wish he’d relax a little bit on your rare day off’s–the sun is out, children are laughing around, and there’s a nearby shaved ice stand; everything is beautiful in this moment but you can’t find it in yourself to reprimand Xiao’s stoicism.

There’s warmth pooling in his eyes, one you only witness when you’re in his presence.

It makes your heart skip a beat until it comes tumbling down the hill of unrealistic thoughts over the hopeless desire that maybe one day, he’ll like you back.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

Smirking, you wiggle your eyebrows and tease him. “Like what?”

“I don’t know! You look weird, like... like–”

“Like I want to absolutely kiss you right now?” Because you did. His cute little hat sits on top of his head so endearingly that you so badly want to take a picture. You want to stare at him a little longer, admire the redness spreading from his nose to his cheeks, watch the way his lower lip curls into his mouth each time he gets flustered, and burn the image of him at the back of your brain.

Xiao, your best friend since the first August of university, and the man you’ve always foolishly pined for despite his constant rejection.

Still, you trail around him like a lost puppy, ignoring his confused yet shy stares each time you announced your presence, and basically decided that you were now going to be his friend, which is the best decision of your life. Xiao isn’t someone you needed to get out of his shell; you had to learn how to enjoy the silence of his life, and respect it.

It’s entirely contradictory to your summer August bumbling self. You’re clumsy where he is always ready to catch you. He’s firm when you are swaying side to side after enjoying too many mimosas from the beach bar. He’s quiet and forever gentle in tucking you under the covers before pressing a kiss to your forehead, and you think of how his lips are summer August hot when it comes to contact with your skin. You think about the young man who sees himself as deep winter, clad in the knitted sweaters you had given him as a gift walk through your door, and hesitantly looks around as if he hasn’t been here a hundred times before.

Where he is deep winter and stiff as a rock when you dance with him under the Christmas lights, you’re the bonfire easing him to relax his muscles, and just enjoy the beat. “We look silly dancing,” he says, then follows up on how he doesn’t like being less of what he deems proper.

But he dances. He twirls you and smiles whilst you laugh, cuts the cheese and swirls the wine in the glass while you drunkenly send him flying kisses – you’re as passionate as he is emotionally numb, and he is the muted version of all your raging emotions.

Whereas you are the definite yes, he is the hesitant no.

“Xiao.”

“If you’re going to tell me you love me again, thank you. I love you too, but you’ve been babbling it non-stop for the entire night. I think I get your point.”

“Do you?” you giggle, mouth hid behind your hand before you grow more serious, head tilted to the side. “Do you truly? If I said I love you right now, and I’ve always been in love with you, are you still going to reject me?”

Xiao’s frown deepens even more. “There’s nothing to be loved about me.” “There’s plenty.”

“Maybe that’s just you,” he shrugs nonchalantly, “The familiarity of having me around might be confusing you. We’re best friends, but that’s all there is. I don’t really see any logical reason for you to develop such deep, sincere feelings for me when I’m not even an ideal lover, so if I were to reject you, it’s not because I don’t want you. A relationship with me would just ruin our friendship, and...”

“Complicate things?”

“Complicate things, yeah.”

“But would you let me love you?”

He doesn’t respond right away. He mulls over it–you can tell by the slight pinch of his brow, the way his back droops down as he stares at the ground as if to ask himself if he’s even worthy of the affection you badly wanted to give him. The only problem is he doesn’t see this. Not just with you, but with everyone else. Xiao is deep winter; reclusive, cold, unaffectionate. It’s impossible for him to see himself the way you do.

“I think you’re drunk, so I don’t take you seriously,” is his response after several beats, hooking his arms under your armpits to guide you back into your room. “Sleep it out. Then we’ll talk.”

You never have that talk. The unspoken words hang like the mistletoe in the air which Xiao deliberately ignores. Head hung low, lips pursed and pale as if locks held back the truth he wished to convey and begged to set free. But Xiao was the living epitome of self restraint–he quietly slithers next to you in bed instead when he thinks you’re asleep, unaware that you’ve steadied your breathing through the drunken haze–and says nothing else.

No I love you’s like you wish to hear.

But there goes his face slowly moving next to yours, his lips pressed at the top of your hair as his gentle hands reach for the blanket to cover your chest. Arms snaking through your waist to hold you close when close is not close enough, and the space does nothing but grow wider the harder your heart yearns, you begin to close your eyes.

This moment will not last. Moments are called such for they are fleeting and experienced shortly, yet lives on forever in faulty memories that eventually fades away. So you clutch it and engrave it to your bone–the shape of his body next to yours, the foolish hopes tying you to a future where it couldn’t exist–and desperately hope that you get to keep at least this minute where you feel his heart caged with yours.

And when his side of the bed (your bed, truthfully, but he’ll always have a place next to you) grows cold in the middle of the night, and his shoes disappears besides yours on the porch, the true winter begins and August ebbs away.

The ice melts.

Not a peep could be heard in the deep winter. There’s nothing but warmth emanating from the remnants of his vulnerability, which for once, you liked to believe he also feels the same way even when he’s not yours.

You believe people will always have that love which never comes for them no matter how hard you chase for it. You could go to the ends of the earth, bang on someone’s door, go down on your knees and make promises of the happiness you can ensure, but all is useless when the house is empty. There is nobody to open the door. No one to welcome you when you walk through the space, or arms to fall into after a long day. The lavatory would be too spacious for a single person when it could fit two pairs of hips standing next to each other as you brush your teeth together.

But there is Thoma, and the house has never been more brightly lit than you’ve ever seen it. It doesn’t have to be Christmas deep in winter when fairy lights are strewn everywhere, giving a magical aura to an even more stunning home decorated by framed photographs of you and him on walls like you were his proudest memory. And you are.

From the moment you’ve met Thoma, it’s been summer all year throughout. His kisses are heated as they are honey-like. The words he spoke are like poetry blotted in brown paper with the promise of a lip stain on a napkin corner. He is perfect and real, and loves you more than you could ever imagine yourself to be loved, and you are getting married.

Wedding preparations, amidst its chaos and stress inducing events, felt fulfilling. You and Thoma would be occupied day and night planning things to perfection, followed by a kiss on the cheek to reassure you nothing had to be extravagant if you wouldn’t prefer it. You’re already perfect, your fiancé would whisper between exchanged breaths, there’s nothing you need to worry about. But his efforts leave the opposite effect when your fingers land on a certain invitation printed with a name that has been echoing in your head for years.

Cruel as it may be, you begin to wonder if you’ve fully mourned the loss of someone who has never been yours.

“Wow. You’re getting married.”

“Yeah, I am.

Before you, your best friend, Xiao sits. He’s clad in a suit, all firm lines smoothed into perfection with every move of his muscle as he leant back in his seat.

You couldn’t fathom the emotions flittering through his handsome face. A pinch of the brow, his lower lip jutting out, index finger anxiously tapping at the table as if to call your attention to the empty finger just a space beside it. And truly, you’re as cruel as you can be, hiding your uncontrollable smile by ducking your chin at the thought he’s been unmarried this entire time.

“I… I didn’t know you were dating, but congratulations. I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you,” you respond almost robotically, since everyone seems to repeat the same phrase over and over again until it got tiring. “I would really love if you were our best man. Thoma’s best friend, Ayato, was the original best man but I requested if it could be you instead since the maid of honors are already Thoma and Ayato’s friends. It would’ve been nice if I could have you there.”

Xiao offers a tight lipped smile. The years that have passed start to show in his face, yet his beauty only sinks deeper within his bones. Shoulders broad enough with the strength to carry the entire world from it, lips thin and perhaps just as soft as you envision if you’ve only ever kissed it – seeing him again after how long felt surreal. Unfathomable. So much has changed, yet you still stayed the same. Fighting the urge to giggle like a schoolgirl whenever your crush was in your presence, and him being completely oblivious to your affection.

The only difference now is that you’re to be wed, and for the first time ever, Xiao looks mildly displeased at something you say. “Sure, of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Your gut tells you he doesn’t mean it. Thoma’s face disappears for a moment at the back of your mind, and your belly churns as you lean forward. You shouldn’t be prying into other people’s lives when you’re about to spend your entire one with another. It’s common sense, yet you’ve not always been the brightest when you smile up at him fondly again, heart aching beneath your clothes it became difficult to breathe.

All because your silly heart still longs for the one person you can’t have.

“So how have you been?” is nothing but a silly excuse of tell me everything I missed. Let’s condense the years into this few minutes the universe allows us before the time stops ticking and we need to part our separate ways again. Tell me, from the slightest detail of your most mundane day, and I’ll listen.

“The same as always. I’m doing just fine.”

“Are you happy?”

“I’m content.”

“Those two things are different.”

Xiao shakes his head in amusement; you still haven’t gotten rid of that stubborn head sititng between your shoulders. “Not much has changed about me or my life, Y/N. There’s nothing exciting to tell,” one of his shoulders lift in a shrug before he gestures to you, “You’re getting married, though, and I didn’t hear or see this coming at all. It sounds like you have more stories to tell than I do.”

“I’ve always tried telling you about Thoma, you were just… busy. All the time.”

You were never there, but Thoma was. Resentment and hurt leaves a bitter taste in your tongue that Thoma’s sugary lips could barely coat them between kisses.

“We’re grown adults. We both have jobs. You understand my line of work is demanding and I can’t give you dating advice whenever you need it. Not to mention, I’m not the best to approach for those kinds of things considering my lack of experience.”

“I wasn’t going to ask for that, I just wanted to talk to my best friend.”

Xiao takes a moment to study your face. Pursing his lips, he gives you an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. I should’ve made more time for you.”

Silence hangs in the air. So much time has been wasted–you’ve graduated university, established your own careers, and have had your fair share of meeting and leaving people who come into your life. Xiao, on the other hand, simply drifted off into thin air. Hanging out at the beach no longer seemed like a possible occurrence when it’s been tradition, and you eventually had to get used to being left on delivered. There’s a magnanimous amount of gaps left in between these spaces, and you want to be greedy. You want him to be in every page you’ve written, every ending you’ve created, if only he was there. But he wasn’t. Thoma was, and he’s colored your canvas in colors you haven’t seen before when your summer August only knew the silence of deep winter.

The what if’s linger deep until it settles onto the blank snow, blanketing you both with the thoughts of what could’ve been if Xiao had only replied to your texts one by one.

Would Thoma have remained in your life? Would you be getting married to someone you never expected to meet? Would you have slowly forgotten what the beach looked like since there’s no point digging your feet in the sand when you didn’t have Xiao who constantly nagged you to stay still?

All these rhetorical questions, and Xiao still manages to take you aback when he chuckles to himself, the sound dry and exhausted. The shoulders who carried the weight of the world sags in defeat. “You know, it’s funny. I always imagined I’d be marrying you.”

The world crashes. The café you met up in goes silent, the people moving about rooting frozen from their spots yet your tea goes cold from the forever of beats that passed between words.

“What?”

“I remember you were always teasing me when we were younger. I thought it was cute, and I often dreamed that we’d end up together, but now you’re getting married and it’s far from everything I expected,” glancing at your engagement ring and the invitation letter sitting hauntingly between you, Xiao falters in his words. “But… I am happy for you. I can’t be happier now that I know you’re with a good man.”

“What… how… how can you say that, Xiao? Do you really have no idea how much I love you?”

“What do you mean?” he laughs nervously, “You were messing around back then.”

“I wasn’t. I meant every word I said.”

Shrugging, he looks down at his coffee with a frown so forlorn he embodies deep winter with not a warm body around to keep him company. “None of it matters now, does it? You are to be married, and I’ll go back to living my life once this all passes.”

“Passes? You think everything is that easy?”

“I don’t know what you want me to do, Y/N. Our feelings are exactly just that; feelings. They’ll come and go,” Xiao reassures, but it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than you. “You’re about to be married, and I want nothing but for you to be happy. Thoma is the kindest man you’ll ever meet so you’ll live a great life. You don’t need to look at me like that–you haven’t lost a thing.”

You haven’t lost a thing.

Not at all. How could you ever lose something you were never quite certain was yours to begin with? But now, it rested at the palm of your hands. Curled up like an innocent creature soaking up the warmth of your fingers until you’d been bled dry and iced to the bone, the rhythm of your heart bringing back to life what had never been dead, rather frozen in time.

“If it’s meant to pass, then why have I been in love with you for as long as I can remember?”

“Hey, welcome home!” Thoma greets the moment you enter your shared apartment, helping you get rid of your boots and hang your coat while you stare at the ground numbly. “How was your meeting with your friend? Did everything go well? Come tell me all about it through dinner–I made your favorite.”

You lean against the wall for support.

Your life is perfect. Every sane person would die for what you have: a loving, handsome fiancé who comes home early everyday to cook the food he knows you like, a cozy place to spend forever in, the scent of almond tofu screaming home and comfort. And then there’s Thoma, eagerly setting up the table and taking a chair for you when he notices you standing idly by the doorway, his smile creasing into worry as you swallow audibly.

He could tell from just one look of your face that tonight isn’t as good as he hoped. “Thoma…”

He’s beside you in the blink of an eye. Wrapping you in his strong arms, your fiancé rubs his hand up and down your back, easing you as the tears release like a broken damn. “Oh, darling, what’s wrong?”

“Thoma, there’s something I need to tell you,” you pull back, using the hem of your sleeves to wipe away the tears. He’s so beautiful, so kind that you couldn’t have possibly have the heart to hurt him. But your heart belongs to someone else, and you can’t lie to an honest man. He deserves the truth and the truth you tell, nails digging at your thighs as each word that comes out of your mouth drives a knife deeper into his soul. You tell him how you’ve never moved on from a summer love, from an eternal longing, to this craving of a person who left a hole in your heart in which only they could fill.

And you can’t do anything except let Thoma take a step back from you, furiously blinking back the tears that threatened to push through. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Thoma sniffles. “Hey,” he tilts your chin up, warm eyes glistening.

The sight of him, so forgiving even without his words, still so gentle in the way he caresses your cheeks like you hadn’t just stomped on his heart a thousand times nearly made you question if you’re doing the right thing. You wait for it, the hesitance, the slight skip of your heart signaling when a bad decision was to be made, yet there’s none. Nothing but silence lingers at the back of your mind now that Xiao’s face lingers as it has been since the day you learn to love a little more and hope a little less.

“I’ve always known.”

“What…?”

“At the back of my mind, I always knew there must be someone else. You always felt so… distant. You didn’t quite see me in the times you looked at me, and I wondered if you were imagining someone else before you. I won’t deny that I’m hurt and it would take me a while to recover, but you’ve seen me, Y/N,” delicately, he slips off the ring off his fingers and tucks it into your palm, hidden and stored away for eternity like a promise meant to be broken. “This is the first time you’ve let me meet you as you are. So go to him; I won’t hold you back.”

Bringing your fist to your lips, you attempt to muffle your sobs. “I-if you knew the whole time, why did you p-propose to me?”

Thoma smiles, his eyes crinkling. “I love you, and I hoped you felt the same.” “But what about us?”

“Don’t worry about that anymore,” he rises to his feet, his car keys spinning around his finger as he turns to you with a bright, wistful grin. “What are you waiting for? Let’s go find your best friend.”

He doesn’t need to say more before you’re reaching for his outstretched hand, the gesture as familiar as breathing and your hand fitting perfectly with Thoma’s. You hold on extra tight when you beam up at him, both from disappointment and excitement, the both of you aware this is going to be the last time you’d ever hold each other this close. So you hold onto him for dear life as he opens the car door for you, revs the engine like you’re running out of time and perhaps you are, because Xiao always seems to be slipping through your fingertips and you’re not deep August under the blazing heat of the sun anymore.

It’s deep winter. The snow is getting thicker with each passing minute, the road covered in white until the snow begins to flake in your lashes when you step out the car.

Xiao lingers outside his apartment, his breath coming out in small, heated puffs with his brows knitted in thought. When he hears the crunching of your boots, his head spins to your direction, eyes wide at the breathless figure of you. “You,” he breathes out, blinking aghast as Thoma leans over the car door with a supportive smile. He pieces two and two together, and laughs in disbelief. “You’re insane–”

“Xiao, I’m in love with you. I always have been, but now I don’t want to let you go now that I know what you feel. You… you’re all I ever wanted. I couldn’t possibly imagine what my life would be like without you.”

His lips thin. It’s enough to make your heart lose hope again–you’ve seen this scenario happen to you before, how he shuts himself off the world after convincing himself he’s not worth the affection and love people give him. He calls himself names, degrades himself into a smaller, lesser being who’d be best off alone before people realize he’s not as great as people make it out to be. The solace of never seeing people frown at him has been the only way he’s ever known life, but you ever so lovingly smiling up at him since the day you met makes him feel this is a risk he can take.

Maybe now, it’s time to let his walls crumble and let the ice thaw, to let deep August bring warmth to his life.

Studying your ring-free finger, Xiao lets his shoulders drop before crushing you into an embrace. “You’re too damn stubborn, you know that?” he rasps into your ear, and you wrap your arms around him, the biting cold making it painful to cry–the world’s own way of telling you there should be no gloom on the day you’ve always been waiting for. “You forced your way into my heart and I don’t think I can ever close it for you again.”

“Don’t you dare,” you sniffle into his shoulders, “I’m staying with you until you don’t want me anymore.”

Xiao knows he’s never said it before. Every night, he tosses and turns in his sleep, replaying the memories of his youth where he rejects your not-so subtle confessions of love. Even as he grows older and his eyes grow more weary, there’s still that young man inside of him hoping it’s real. He runs away and hides in little corners in hopes he’d get you off his mind. Too afraid of the hurt love might bring, and this is the first time he can confidently say, “I’m not going anywhere. I stay right where you are.”

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