It's Like, Lou Is Talking To His Younger Self, Telling Him There's No Point Caring Or Speaking Up Against

TW : VIOLENCE AGAINST ANIMALS//DEATH

SPOILER ALERT FOR FLEABAG

I keep thinking about the scene where Fleabag tells Boo about the 11 year old boy who was put in juvie because he inserted the rubber part of the pencil up a hamster's rectum, and instead of making a joke about it or saying something on the lines of how he deserved it, Boo is surprised that they didn't provide him with proper mental health care. She tells Fleabag that he obviously wasn't happy, because "happy" people don't do things like that - he should've been given help instead of a punishment. She says the entire point of pencils having an eraser at the end is cause people make mistakes.

Now flash forward to the future where Fleabag tells people how Boo died - she wanted to make her boyfriend feel guilty for cheating on her by getting admitted to a hospital for light injuries, she did not want die by suicide, but unfortunately that wasn't how it went - and we realise that Boo made a mistake, and it wasn't one that could be corrected using an eraser. That is also when we realise that Boo wasn't a "happy" person either, because "happy" people don't do that.

Instead of demonizing her for emotional manipulation, or blaming her for dying, Fleabag is compassionate and that is one of the million reasons why I love this show.

Saw a quora ask where a cis woman is like should I let my 13 yr old son sleep in the same room as my 16 yr old daughter. And another, old, convo thread where cis adult women talk about how they wouldn't let their husbands bathe their baby daughters 🤮🤢

Why do people have to sexualise all this?

If you don't make a distinction between safe touch and unsafe touch, and sexual touch and non sexual tough - like, if there are no clear cut lines/limits, then how do you suppose people will understand consent and stuff properly?

If you classify all touch as bad, you're not only harming people by taking away affection, but you're also sexualising everything! Which is fucked up. This is the reason why innocent hugs and hand holding and cheek kisses and etcetc are sexualised - because people don't make a distinction. Like, no matter what you say about how bad the world is, there should be a basic amount of trust between human beings - otherwise what's the point of _being_ human beings?

How can people sexualise stuff like this, I felt sick.

I sometimes sleep with my grown up, adult vaala uncle when he comes over (he's in Pune), and the first time, everyone was a lil surprised that I was fine with it. But then why wouldn't I be? Why is it "normal" to see everything with a bad lens?

If a person is personally not comfortable with it, that's valid, but then all this shit? I don't know if this is only my opinion, or if it's an unpopular opinion, but I hate this.

Being cautious is one thing, seeing everything as a dirty thing is another.

It's like how adult women tell girls they need to dress "decently" because their dad/grandpa/brother/uncle/male relative is around. That's fucked up in SO many ways.

Kinda lost my train of thought here, I got it back now - - -

Cont. from 'if you classify all touch as bad' : you'll be confusing kids on what good/safe touch is and what bad/unsafe touch is.

songs and their stories

Did you feel the way I did, when Leith Ross said, ‘oh, what a wonderful feeling, to own and operate your life; oh, what a terrible burden, all my decisions are mine’? Like an eighteen year old child, a twenty one year old toddler; forever young; like a duckling imprinting on the first person it sees; like a sea turtle – just knowing your home is the sea, knowing you’ll be hunted the moment you break free; like wandering into a brand new city, like learning how to swim for the first time – a sudden shove, a lightning fast pull, static; like the taste of freedom, once sweet, turning into ash the more you realize accountability is yours, and yours only; like the world is too big, and at your feet; like a carousal – the feeling of wind rushing making you want to spin spin spin spin- ignoring the nausea rising; like wanting to dance in the rain, but unwilling to leave the warmth of the hearth keeping you cozy.  

Did it make you think the way it made me, when James Bay said, ‘tell me how to be in this world; tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt; tell me how could I believe in something’, and John Legend said, ‘I try to do the things, I say that I believe’? Like swimming upstream; like rolling the stone till you reach the peak, only to meet another hill; like wanting to change the world one droplet at a time, knowing life is too short for you see it become an ocean; like having faith in the flutter of tiny wings, if the butterfly effect is simply a myth, your existence would lose all meaning; like you’re watching the world from the sofa, popcorn shamefully at your feet when you need a break from the bloody, gory documentary; like knowing too much, wishing you were little; like a throat sore from screaming, hoping you could make someone else see; like falling falling falling, not knowing if there is an upwards from the rock bottom beneath your feet; like breathing in icy cold air, existence akin to slow ruin; like the sweat from holding onto someone’s hand for far too long - clammy, icky, safety.

 -kpm ©

This "there are no personal boundaries within a family" / "everything belongs to everyone" bullshit that adults preach about REALLY needs to end.

Boundaries are necessary everywhere - it doesn't matter how close a relationship you have with someone, boundaries ARE necessary. When an adult tells their kid "you cannot have privacy because there's nothing called privacy within a family", or "you don't own anything of your own - everything you have can be used by anyone in the family, it doesn't matter if they ask you for your permission first", or "you can make whatever comments you want on someone else as long as you're family" - you are not only teaching them that they have no individual value-- that what they say, or what they feel don't matter, but you're also teaching them to be inconsiderate human beings. This is wrong on so many levels and "it's our culture, we grew up like this and we turned out okay" mindset is MESSED UP. YOU DID NOT TURN OUT OKAY! A person who has no respect for another's boundaries or privacy or autonomy or property is not a sign of someone who has "turned out okay".

I am so, so, so sick and tired and just DONE with this shit.

thoughts i had/have as a person with BPD that I need to let out or might drown me with guilt and shame:

I want to break up with my best friends because they both have romantic partners now; and they don't like my write-up posts anymore and they don't interact with my insta anymore. Because i feel like something has changed between us after the last time i broke up with them when I was drunk and having a breakdown

I want to cut out a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me in a long while, even to my happy birthday message on her birthday; but i see that she hangs out with others because a mutual friend posts pictures of them having out and clubbing together

I feel chronic loneliness and i hate everybody.

I want to die because i want to break up with everyone and that's not possible without death.

For a while now, I had been procrastinating thinking about how I felt about certain things; how uncomfortable I feel when people refer to periods as something that is a "cis woman" thing, how uncomfortable I feel when my friends send me posts or made comments which were directed at or about solely cis women, how disturbed I feel when people call me a "woman" or a "lady", the feeling of discomfort and disgust in my throat and tummy when people say things such as, "perks of being a (cis) woman", how I always felt that sick feeling when people gendered things, as if it were only for "cis females".

At first, I thought it was because of how cisnormative it was, how gendered - but then I realised that I've been feeling these feelings since I was small, since I was a child. I had absolutely no idea about the lgbtq+ community back then, I had no idea what "gender roles and norms" were, I wasn't even aware of what feminism meant- so it surely wasn't because of that. Then I forced myself to believe that I was in the process of getting over my internalised misogyny. After a lot of introspection, I realised it wasn't that either. With the help of a few of my friends, I could finally admit that it was because I wasn't a "cis female", it was because I was a demigirl (/an agender girl) - to myself and to them.

Figuring out my gender identity wasn't easy, it wasn't the same as figuring out my sexual orientation. There were days when I would beat myself up - calling myself a fake person, a wannabe. I didn't think that my feelings were valid because I didn't actually mind my body - I didn't have dysphoria; little did I know, back then, that body dysphoria wasn't the only type of dysphoria that existed, and moreover, I didn't have to experience dysphoria to be nonbinary.

I invalidated my own feelings, I refused to acknowledge them, I was afraid of talking to others about it because I didn't want them to confirm my doubts, my insecurities - so I shoved my feelings into a box and hid them away.

But now, after a lot of introspection and a lot of external validation, I finally feel secure with my gender. I am an agender girl, which means, though I do not mind the label 'girl', I do not identify with the meaning people have assigned to it; I do not identify myself as any gender, I am genderless. My pronouns are still she/her. I comparatively feel more "girl" than "agender" - when it comes to the label - but that doesn't make my identity any less valid, that doesn't make *me* any less valid.

My identity is not an oxymoron, my identity is not a buzzword which I find interesting, my identity is who I am, and who I am is not up to you to judge, who I am is up to me to own and accept.

\\

If someone asked me to explain my gender to them - eventhough I know I don't owe anyone any explanations - it would be somewhat like this :

Imagine you were born in a world with no labels, no categories. You don't know what gender is, you don't know what it means to be a girl or a boy or neither or either or both. Imagine you were a person with XX chromosomes, a uterus, a vagina and boobs and that was it. You don't know you have a gender, you don't know your parts and your chromosomes have a sex - you just know you have certain characteristics and that's it. Suddenly, a person from another world classifies you as a girl and you're okay with that, it's a simple classification, doesn't hurt anyone - but then they assign that label an identity, you. You are identified as that label, and on top of that more gendered labels are identified with you. But that's not you, you don't feel that way. You don't feel like boobs are a "female" thing, boobs are just boobs, when it's forcefully called "female parts", you feel sick, you feel like shuddering and curling into yourself. When people say that boobs are an advantage of being a girl, your entire body shakes with disgust, when they add meaning to the label "girl", you feel shaken up, you feel revolted.

But weirdly enough, until they assigned a meaning to the label "girl", it was just an empty word, and you were okay with that.

That is how being an agender girl feels like.

//

For a long time I've believed that if I were to be pro - sex work/ supportive of sex workers, I had to be pro-porn, I had to think of porn as empowering, instead of oppressive, I had to think of the porn industry as something that allows sex workers to explore their sexuality and empower themselves. It took a lot of learning and unlearning to finally understand that being pro-sex work/ supportive of sex workers and believing that porn empowers certain sex workers can co-exist with the fact that the porn industry is messed up, misogynistic and exploitative. It doesn't exist in dichotomies - both are facts.

The porn industry is exploitative, Pornhub is exploitative and rape apologistic - but acknowledging and criticising the misogyny and abuse in the porn industry does not give you the right to shame sex workers in any way. They're not perpetuating or encouraging any of this, they're not aiding in their own oppression - they're a part of a system which exploits them; shame the system, not the workers.

//

If you don't blame or/and shame the people who're being exploited by capitalism for being exploited by the system, what makes you think you can blame and shame sex workers for the same? Where the fuck does your hypocrisy end?

Um I'm a bad person, like, a really bad person. I'm rude with my mom and I don't even know why or if it's a defense mechanism or if it's something I'm just used to or whatever, but I don't even know and I feel guilty when she buys me stuff cUse I'm still not "nice" and I feel like I Dont deserve anything she does fit me and I don't kmoe and I can't show appreciation or gratitude because I'm fucking emotionally blunted when it comes to her and I feel like I'm this person she wastes time effort money and love on and that I deserve to die and that my mom wouldn't have so many conflicts and other emotional issues anymore cause I'm the cause, direct or indirect, for all that. And today I didn't wanna go back to my dad's house cause we'd come here only a few days ago and I knew we'd stay here at my mom's house only for a few days cause I had to go back to college soon so I asked her a week ago if we could come tjen but she said no and today I was pissed cause of that cause I knew this would happen I knew it and I told her I wasn't going today and after some arguing she agreed and she told my dad she couldn't drive cause she had a headache and a stomach ache and I couldn't help but think that it was because of me because I didn't wanna yo back today and what if the universe had listened to me and caused that and it was cause of that that Ammi actually did have aches its all my fault my fault my fault and I can't help thinking about deayh and stuff and feeling anxious and feeling lole I wanna cry and rn my only solace is that if any of my loved ones that then I have suicide as an option then and I know it's so fucking problematic and just wrong but that's the only thing that makes me not have a complete mental breakdown over such thoughts and I don't even know why my heads like this and guvk I wish I could get better

people : happy gandhi jaya-

me : no thank you

this pride month, let's make an effort to casually mention queer stuff around children instead of censoring it