A Nightly Routine? Oh, Wait! I Have One Those! It's Called, 'having A Mental Breakdown Until I Finally

Um I'm a bad person, like, a really bad person. I'm rude with my mom and I don't even know why or if it's a defense mechanism or if it's something I'm just used to or whatever, but I don't even know and I feel guilty when she buys me stuff cUse I'm still not "nice" and I feel like I Dont deserve anything she does fit me and I don't kmoe and I can't show appreciation or gratitude because I'm fucking emotionally blunted when it comes to her and I feel like I'm this person she wastes time effort money and love on and that I deserve to die and that my mom wouldn't have so many conflicts and other emotional issues anymore cause I'm the cause, direct or indirect, for all that. And today I didn't wanna go back to my dad's house cause we'd come here only a few days ago and I knew we'd stay here at my mom's house only for a few days cause I had to go back to college soon so I asked her a week ago if we could come tjen but she said no and today I was pissed cause of that cause I knew this would happen I knew it and I told her I wasn't going today and after some arguing she agreed and she told my dad she couldn't drive cause she had a headache and a stomach ache and I couldn't help but think that it was because of me because I didn't wanna yo back today and what if the universe had listened to me and caused that and it was cause of that that Ammi actually did have aches its all my fault my fault my fault and I can't help thinking about deayh and stuff and feeling anxious and feeling lole I wanna cry and rn my only solace is that if any of my loved ones that then I have suicide as an option then and I know it's so fucking problematic and just wrong but that's the only thing that makes me not have a complete mental breakdown over such thoughts and I don't even know why my heads like this and guvk I wish I could get better

SPOILER FOR FLEABAG

Fleabag and Boo were not in love. They were not romantically attracted to each other. They had a strong, beautiful friendship which transcended amatonormativity. Their love was so deep and so meaningful that people who're limited by the belief that only romantic love can be so, cannot comprehend how friends can love each other so purely and deeply.

This is what our amatonormative culture is doing - it's robbing us of the ability to appreciate real friendship, one which isn't beneath romantic relationships, one which isn't placed on the bottom of a relationship hierarchy, one where best friends talk to each other, and treat each other as if they're lovers; because they are, they are lovers in the sense that they have unconditional love for each other, they are lovers in the sense that they started a café together and stayed together to run it, they are lovers in the sense that Boo was Fleabag's emotional anchor when her mother passed away, instead of her boyfriend. They are lovers in every sense, except for the romantic one.

Another thing I absolutely love about Fleabag - the show - is the fact that Fleabag's life didn't revolve around finding romance. She had fulfilling relationships with her best friend, her best friend's hamster, her sister, a practical stranger who saved her life and a priest who picked God.

She never made the priest feel bad for not picking her, never pressurised him to reciprocate her 'I love you', never slighted his relationship with God despite her being an atheist.

She was such a wholesome character and I fell in love with her in all the ways a person can fall in love with another person. I am so frigging heartbroken that I'll never get to experience the rest of her life, but I am also so frigging content with how the show ended. It was absolutely beautiful.

I'm collecting mental illnesses like people collect Pokémon 🤡

tiny rant #1 : I'm so fucking sick and done with people who shame Larries by telling them they're "shipping" two real life people, when in actuality Larries simply believe in Harry and Louis being together - they (we) believe that Harry and Louis have, or atleast had, something special, something more, and that they're most probably, very likely in love with each other. We do not "ship" them, there's a fucking difference. There are people who haven't talked to a single person who's a Larrie and they spout shit about how they're (we're) fetishising mlm, which is absolute bullshit because the literal meaning of fetishising is thinking of someone or something with a sexual lens, and none of us are jerking off to Harry and Louis having sex you ignorant fucks - atleast use words appropriately, according to their meaning, wtf. ALSO, most importantly, Larries aren't fucking cishet White girls who want to see two boys kissing - most of us are part of the lgbtq+ community and a lot of us are not-White (I'm aro-spec pan + agender AND Indian, personally).

tiny rant #2 : I feel like when people forcefully deny the fact that a person could be queer, they're being more microaggressive/queerphobic than when people assume a person could be queer (in a non-assholic way). Denying that a person could be queer with a lot of force just puts you in a bad light, kind of sending off a pretty problematic message, y'know? For example, so called Harries who're so into denying the possibility that Harry could be trans/non-binary by saying that it's transphobic to assume, are being transphobic themselves by doing so because they refuse to even think of the possibility that he could be, they're so against the idea that it seems as if they could never be open to such a thing, which is super queerphobic if I say so myself. This doesn't mean that Harry is trans/non-binary, I'm not saying that as a fact, I'm just saying that people shouldn't be so quick to stop queer people from wondering if their idols are queer just because they think we're "forcing a label onto him" - which we're not.

you think that someone understands you, that someone in your family finally gets you, but then it turns out that - nope, not really. it was all pretend, all fake, nothing deep, nothing genuine. they never understood, they tried to, maybe pretended to, but they never truly did. I opened up to my uncle about how I couldn't commit to anything and about me having no motivation and even sent him snippets from my diary about how guilty I felt that I'm wasting my family's money and effort and stuff like that, and he used it against me. He fucking used it against. He tried to get me to rejoin this online yoga class but I didn't want to, so he threatened me. He said that he'd pay for an entire year's worth of classes and I'll have to attend it then. Said that I wouldn't be able to stop in the middle cause I'd feel guilty/then it would mean I had no value for his money. I confronted him a few days after, asking him why he did that and he explained that he was concerned about my health, really, genuinely terrified because he knew how horrible bad physical health was because he, himself suffered a lot and he didn't want that for me - so even though he didn't know the impact that would have on my mental health, he knew the impact bad physical health would have on me, he kind of risked the unknown for the known (mental health for physical health). I don't agree with what he did, nor will I ever be able to open up to him again, but I understood where he was coming from and I striked a deal with him. Anyway, that's that. Then he continued proving that he doesn't truly get it. He tried to tell my mom to control me and take away my phone/laptop so that I would be forced to sleep early cause I wouldn't have anything else to do. Bear in mind that he's there's a lot of family dynamic that I'm not mentioning, so he's not the worst, or even bad, per say. But I guess I kinda jinxed it when I told my mom that he's the only one who understands me in the family a long time ago, I guess that's biting me in the ass. I don't know if I can ever open up to him or show vulnerability to anyone again - family I mean. I had told him I get bad thoughts at night, intrusive, dark thought long ago and he pointed that out today too, in front of my mom - though she was on her phone and prolly didn't hear, but still. I hate adults. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. They're never transparent, never straight with you. They could use anything you tell them against you when they feel like they're at their wit's end. And I fucking can't. I'm fragile okay, I'm fragile and sensitive and I can't handle all this. I just want to not exist anymore - I'm NOT going to kill myself, but I just want to die.

Saw a quora ask where a cis woman is like should I let my 13 yr old son sleep in the same room as my 16 yr old daughter. And another, old, convo thread where cis adult women talk about how they wouldn't let their husbands bathe their baby daughters 🤮🤢

Why do people have to sexualise all this?

If you don't make a distinction between safe touch and unsafe touch, and sexual touch and non sexual tough - like, if there are no clear cut lines/limits, then how do you suppose people will understand consent and stuff properly?

If you classify all touch as bad, you're not only harming people by taking away affection, but you're also sexualising everything! Which is fucked up. This is the reason why innocent hugs and hand holding and cheek kisses and etcetc are sexualised - because people don't make a distinction. Like, no matter what you say about how bad the world is, there should be a basic amount of trust between human beings - otherwise what's the point of _being_ human beings?

How can people sexualise stuff like this, I felt sick.

I sometimes sleep with my grown up, adult vaala uncle when he comes over (he's in Pune), and the first time, everyone was a lil surprised that I was fine with it. But then why wouldn't I be? Why is it "normal" to see everything with a bad lens?

If a person is personally not comfortable with it, that's valid, but then all this shit? I don't know if this is only my opinion, or if it's an unpopular opinion, but I hate this.

Being cautious is one thing, seeing everything as a dirty thing is another.

It's like how adult women tell girls they need to dress "decently" because their dad/grandpa/brother/uncle/male relative is around. That's fucked up in SO many ways.

Kinda lost my train of thought here, I got it back now - - -

Cont. from 'if you classify all touch as bad' : you'll be confusing kids on what good/safe touch is and what bad/unsafe touch is.

okay, so I'm fat right? And all my life I've been conditioned with the prejudice that fat people can't be sexy, they can't be into sex stuff - the trope for a fat person was the funny sidekick who loves food and loves to tease their friends and be the butt of jokes. And I never minded that trope because I wasn't conscious of it, though at times it did rub me the wrong way. My family used to tell me if I lost weight I'd be able to dance better when I used to dance for fun in front of them (they meant it in a light way, but that made me an insecure mess who hated dancing - it took me a long time, and an entirely new beginning, to dance in front of people without being overly conscious of my every move), one of my ex classmates told me not even a pr*stitute would have sex with me (I can't even begin to point out how many things are wrong with that statement) and so on. So looking sexy or whatever has become empowering for me. Taking nudes and sending them to people (solicitedly of course), looking into the mirror fully naked, and wearing clothes that are revealing helped me in being comfortable with, and in, my body. For me, sex is something that has been so seperate from people like me, that I want to reclaim it and show people that - here, look, even fat people can dress sexily, even they can be sexual, even they can be into sex, even they can be sexual beings (DO NOT COUNT FETISHISM OR I'LL VIRTUALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE). And that's been another um doubt, y'know? Like, people see me as this person who does things like this and I don't want them to mock me for being a fat person and believing it could be possible for me - if that makes sense. I know I look good when I do dress up, I mean you realise how you look after a certain point when you get complimented enough - I'm not being cocky, I know I fit into the cute/adorable/chirpy fat person stereotype, but I want to be more than that y'know? I don't want to infantilised just because I'm fat and cute. I'm also a sexual being (I don't mean to invalidate asexual or sex repulsed fat people, I'm talking about me, personally) and I'd like people to acknowledge that instead of feeling weirded out since society cannot see fat people and sexy/sexual together.

tl/dr : I want to dress the way I want to - also called slutty by our messed up society - because it empowers me.

aro musings

Since childhood, I’ve been repeatedly told that blood relationships trump bonds by choice, since the former’s permanence can never be debated, never be challenged. It took me some time to realize what exactly was meant by that: bonds made by choice can as easily be broken by choice, and that the sole security offered by blood is the simple fact that you cannot transfuse your entire blood stream. That was an epiphany, because it meant despite the one million EXIT doors all around us, the people I’d chosen had chosen me back; but it also meant the people I share blood with don’t have a single EXIT door to truly make their love for me, a love on purpose.

I don’t want permanence if it’s by obligation; I don’t want people standing beside me through dark and stormy skies if it’s the cement on their feet holding them there. I would rather have loved ones who are windborne, who have the choice to fly and see the sky, but stop and land for me from time to time even when the sky is clear and blue and perfect. I’ve read about families by choice, but it wasn’t until I saw four women in a polyamorous relationship co-parenting adopted babies that a semblance of hope for my own future was restored. I do not wish to be ensnared by romance or monogamy or any hierarchical relationship; I want what people dream of: a queer couple to adopt them so they wouldn’t feel alone; I want what people have: a best friend to co-parent each other’s pets with; I want what people don’t see: a family of friends.

-kpm ©

[tbc]

Things to talk to my therapist about :

1. What Achan said sh

2. After movie night - crying episode (what Annu said) sh

3. What Ammi said sh

The depression™

I'm so fucking sick of adults telling me to exercise, telling me that I never move, telling me that I never listen when they tell me to exercise when I DO exercise, I'm so fucking sick of adults speaking to me as if I'm not trying hard enough when I'm doing something solely for them, because they kept telling me. What's the point of doing something they're telling you to do when they don't even acknowledge that you're doing it? I'm not gonna stop obviously, cause I promised my uncle, but I'm just sick of listening to my family scolding me for something I actually am doing right. And I'm sick of having to prove myself, so nowadays I never tell them that I am doing exercise lest they say that's not good enough or ignore it and keep scolding me, better to receive scoldings when they think I'm not doing it. And I'm so sick of feeling like I'm not wanted, that I'm just an annoyance, so much so that I don't even feel like coming to my grandparents ka house anymore, I genuinely don't. I just feel like keeping quiet and not talking to anyone because they get annoyed at me so quickly and that hurts, I'm at a point where I'm kind of even scared to talk lest I piss them off or something. I feel like I'm this annoying fly that they're trying to brush away but keep coming back. Honestly tho, that's the perfect representation of my feelings. I'm just sick and tired, y'know?