Doomed To Hate Those I Like Most. Cursed To Drive Away Those I Most Want Near. There Is No Matching Piece.

I just learned there are truly people out there who don't believe the Sandy Hook shooting happened. I thought that was an Onion article gone awry. Huh. The funny thing is, the conspiracy theorists saying it was a government hoax to eliminate guns really don't get there is a much easier way to regulate guns. Why waste the money making something up when we could just repeal Selective Service? That ends the federal government "Militia" aside from screened and approved reservists and guard. That would put gun regulation squarely into the hands of each state. Unfortunately, the way the English language has been, the second amendment's "State" is not too clear. The way we think of it now is "State" equals country, "state" equals one of the fifty; however, as English mugged other languages in dark alleys and didn't have exceedingly cohesive conventions until the last hundred-thirty-ish years, we see a lot of nouns capitalized without any clear delineation as far as the Constitution is concerned. This brings us back to "State" as it is in the second amendment. If we say "State" defines the state's within the Union, then determining who belongs to the "Militia" is up to the states, ergo, states may dertermine who owns guns and what kinds. If we say "State" defines federal government, then the federal government need merely rescind Selective Service to completely remove the ability for any citizenry to justify the right to owning a firearm. The problem here is women are not held under Selective Service, so, unless a part of a guard or reserve, they, technically - I say that because it'd be impossible to actually execute this next part - could have all rights of gun ownership removed. This is why the morons who insist old, written documents be taken literally confuse me. I mean, I like my guns. I'd be really sad if someone had a legal basis to take my guns. That being said, a tragedy as relatively small in scope as Sandy Hook could never garner the backing of federally-mandated gun control across the country. Nothing short of a state-sized insurrection requiring the military to act against our own citizens could possibly do such a thing. Until then, there are much easier and quieter ways to repeal gun ownership. Now, litigation could go on forever as to whom the Founders' referred to when they said "State", but in the interest of the federal government's survival, it would likely choose itself (through the Supreme Court) as the object of the clause, thus removing any persons' ability to refute the legality of repossessing guns should the federal government choose to do so. Conspiracy theorists have an extreme narcissism problem, so they like to think they're smarter than the federal government, an amorphous entity with an unlimited amount of resources (it's still a cheap jerk 99% of the time) so compartmentalized, the President, itself (as a position, not person), actually does not have access to everything. These people think they've stuck it to the government and that one day, men in suits will show up to their door to say, "You found us out." Sorry to burst the bubble, but even state-sponsored hackers, who have discovered things worthwhile and we've physically found (well, CIA found) don't get that luxury. Sandy Hook happened. The Holocaust happened. The Russian Czars and Stalin massacring Russians happened. The Japanese destroying most of southern China happened. The Chinese dissenter massacres happened. The apartheid and genocides in Africa happened. The only thing that hasn't happened is conspiracy theorists stopped being basket-case assholes and started becoming actual investigators. Find us the Malaysian plane that disappeared. Find us that jewel from Titanic. Hell, if Sandy Hook didn't happen, physically find the kids who were involved. Find SOMETHING worth finding relating to any possibly-disputable subject. This arm-chair, tourist, know-it-all bullshit is exhausting. It's not helping anything or anyone; for the people affected by Sandy Hook, it's made it far, far worse in fact.

It really sucks missing some people.

I'm rewriting If You're Happy and You Know It

The new version goes: If you're old and you know it, groan loudly whenever you move. (Repeat) If you're old and you know it, then your joints are frozen and creaky, and you should probably get a walker. (Repeat chorus thing) I'm not a musician, but I think it could compete with the best of them. I'm tapping into the forgotten old people demographic.

Gettin deep with Horace and Hagrid.

Maybe this will be the year that finally kills me.

Life goals

I have decided that I am going to marry into a family the last name Fowler, take their name, and name my kid Bard Ash Moulder Fowler. I'd be such a proud dad.

Happy, little chew toys

#Dog Ross

In case people need a visual aid to help them understand.

What does it take to get someone to willingly escape from abuse? Two days ago, I got a cryptic text from a friend using a wifi text app that just said “I need you to text me back asap.” I can’t have my phone at work and didn’t see it for almost eight more hours. Tried texting her normal number. Nothing. Tried the texting app number. Nothing. Tried her facebook. Account deactivated. Wtf is going on here? Wake up two hours before alarm worrying and check phone. Still nothing. So, middle of the night, 18-ish hours from last contact, I call the police. Deputies go to her home. No one there. She has a medical condition that physically prevents her from sleeping without medication. She doesn’t get home from work until about midnight. It was 1:30 am. There’s no reason she wouldn’t be home and awake. Police tell me no contact. Trying not to freak out all through work that day. Get home. Still nothing. Checked with police. No contact. No answer from phone. About to go into panic mode. Conduct basic-level facebook stalking: Open fake account, find her account reopened (only certainly blocking real account). Has where she works posted (lucky break, but so so stupid). Call where she works in last ditch effort to make contact. She’s there. There and physically okay. Her fat fuck, red neck, piece of shit, white trash, caliphate-dick-sucking husband got mad she talked to any other men (i.e. myself). Forcefully took her phone from her for almost 24 hours. Blocked numbers of every other guy on her phone, blocked male Facebook friends, then changed her social media accounts’ passwords. Well, that explains what happened. At least she was physically fine? Talk to her for a bit to make absolutely sure. She swears up and down everything is okay. I want to scream at her. All I could do is say “Stay safe” and tell her I’d let the police know I’d gotten a hold of her. Likely last time we’ll ever talk to each other. Tell police we spoke. Police make sure to ask “You actually spoke directly to her on the phone?” Tell them about abusive husband. Deputy feels for the situation but knows she’s the only one who can do anything for herself. Guess this problem is kind of solved... Back to normal life? What the fucking hell is wrong with some people? Her own husband’s sister thinks he’s a piece of shit for how he treats her. Her mother (after learning what kind of shitstain he is) wants her to move back home. Her cousin and his wife want her out. And I, the only friend she was actually comfortable enough to talk to about this, have offered money, shelter, resources, time, anything I could. All she has to do is make the move. But she won’t. She thinks so little of herself, her own abilities, and those of us who’ve promised support that she’d rather stay with a fucking shitstack whom she has openly acknowledged abuses her. Guess I’m fucking useless after all.