I've Determined I Am Incredibly Unattractive. Body Is One Thing; That Isn't Bad And Can Be Worked On.

When you spend most of your life feeling like you're going to die any second, yet every day feels like an eternity.

Don't know what I'm supposed to feel on these meds... Is depression medication supposed to make you feel happy? That's not the case right now, for sure. Maybe just slightly less miserable? And a little less clouded over? Maybe there's no medication to fix what I am.

What does it take to get someone to willingly escape from abuse? Two days ago, I got a cryptic text from a friend using a wifi text app that just said “I need you to text me back asap.” I can’t have my phone at work and didn’t see it for almost eight more hours. Tried texting her normal number. Nothing. Tried the texting app number. Nothing. Tried her facebook. Account deactivated. Wtf is going on here? Wake up two hours before alarm worrying and check phone. Still nothing. So, middle of the night, 18-ish hours from last contact, I call the police. Deputies go to her home. No one there. She has a medical condition that physically prevents her from sleeping without medication. She doesn’t get home from work until about midnight. It was 1:30 am. There’s no reason she wouldn’t be home and awake. Police tell me no contact. Trying not to freak out all through work that day. Get home. Still nothing. Checked with police. No contact. No answer from phone. About to go into panic mode. Conduct basic-level facebook stalking: Open fake account, find her account reopened (only certainly blocking real account). Has where she works posted (lucky break, but so so stupid). Call where she works in last ditch effort to make contact. She’s there. There and physically okay. Her fat fuck, red neck, piece of shit, white trash, caliphate-dick-sucking husband got mad she talked to any other men (i.e. myself). Forcefully took her phone from her for almost 24 hours. Blocked numbers of every other guy on her phone, blocked male Facebook friends, then changed her social media accounts’ passwords. Well, that explains what happened. At least she was physically fine? Talk to her for a bit to make absolutely sure. She swears up and down everything is okay. I want to scream at her. All I could do is say “Stay safe” and tell her I’d let the police know I’d gotten a hold of her. Likely last time we’ll ever talk to each other. Tell police we spoke. Police make sure to ask “You actually spoke directly to her on the phone?” Tell them about abusive husband. Deputy feels for the situation but knows she’s the only one who can do anything for herself. Guess this problem is kind of solved... Back to normal life? What the fucking hell is wrong with some people? Her own husband’s sister thinks he’s a piece of shit for how he treats her. Her mother (after learning what kind of shitstain he is) wants her to move back home. Her cousin and his wife want her out. And I, the only friend she was actually comfortable enough to talk to about this, have offered money, shelter, resources, time, anything I could. All she has to do is make the move. But she won’t. She thinks so little of herself, her own abilities, and those of us who’ve promised support that she’d rather stay with a fucking shitstack whom she has openly acknowledged abuses her. Guess I’m fucking useless after all.

There was a time I stood before fire and used its power to create beauty. I  threw away those days out of greed and fear, and I have regretted it ever since. Don't give up building the life you want. Even if you don't have the money, power, or means, if you push away your love, you may never get it back. Don't put that life on hold to sell your soul for something you never needed.

Doomed to hate those I like most. Cursed to drive away those I most want near. There is no matching piece. There is no purpose. There is no place. There is empty laughter, cold heart, stagnant blood, manic mind, twisted body. But there is nothing here for something like me.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-37352326

Guess Russia had to step up its dirtbag game. Not sure I'll ever understand the reason behind being shitty people for the sake of being shitty. Being known as the largest country containing the largest concentration of dirtbags just to remain relevant on the world stage really doesn't make you a worthwhile enterprise. Would do the world a huge favour if you'd just stop.

Will I always be the unlucky one?

Will I always lose every game?

Will I always be the low roll?

Will I always be last?

Will I always be the one who doesn't get a second look?

Will I always be the one life decided to leave behind?

Will I only ever see everyone else succeed?

What did I do wrong to deserve a life like this?

when you’re cozy in bed and you hear heavy rain reblog if you agree

No explanation necessary. Unless you are one of these people. Then, I hate you and want to hit you with a brick.

How are the meds going? How do you feel? ❤

Well, you were right about how they're supposed to work. They don't even help ease the sadness, anger. They're just supposed to give you more energy and help focus. Doesn't make sense why humans would even bother to invent such a useless medication. Medication is supposed to be coupled with therapy, but what good is that if my mind has hard-wired itself to be, well, me?I wish you could have another opportunity to try them. Maybe they would work for you. Maybe you'd run into an incredible doctor, counselor, or someone completely new, and you could start to piece back together. Medication doesn't necessarily work the same on everyone, but the right support is essential. Otherwise, it'll only make things, in a way, worse. It's only easier to focus on the dark now.Thanks for checking on me. You are an incredible person. I'm sure it's impossible to convince yourself, but there are a lot of us out there who think so about you.Hope you're having a good day/evening/night. Hope tomorrow brings at even one moment of clarity and stillness.