More Of The Pictures That I Hoard.

I'm trying to restrain myself from complaining about my results here but that's just making this space redundant. This is my diary, no one knows me here. No one ever will.

Here goes:

What. The. Heck? I didn't slave through notes and PDFs and PDFs on end to see my results and be groaning in pain. It's an ugly little feeling when my hardwork doesn't translate to my grades and I hate it here.

I do not like sex.

Two occasions now and I'm not impressed. Really glad my partner cared enough to make sure I finish before penetration but that shit is intrusive af, do not recommend.

I hope to God it feels better for him cos God forbid we are both pretending to be cool and I'm suffering for nothing.

I miss running to Tumblr everytime I have a thought, I stopped using my free will properly, it's annoying. This space is mine and mine alone, it's not like I can run out of ink or anything.

Pretending i forgot my tumblr existed lol.

Update: the love I held on to, the one where I'd rather type in an obscure corner of my room than express myself too much to, I let it go. I let it go and I am vindictive enough to hope that it hurts them more than it hurts me.

I'm in a new one that I feel will end badly but at least I think I'd be the least hurt.

Took me too long to write this down.

Too long that now, my mind has overcooked my thoughts and abd this version might now be heavier, weightier and still mean nothing at all.

This is my POV, there is no part of this that reflects anyone in a way I did not perceive them, their image in these words are from a mirror that I made from my mind, my memories. Nothing else.

I hear the word codependent and think 'That doesn't describe me.' I've found out now, I'm at risk.

I talk about how much my friends save me, that's now. Before, things were different. I've always been in danger of getting my heart broken by myself, how I wholly immerse myself in being that one friend you can't discard, shaping myself to please, to impress, to look up to, to emulate. It's always with one particular person, thank God. There'd be nothing left of me otherwise, stretched to thinness from my folding and cutting over multiple people, my friendship monogamy saved my life.

I don't remember a first that is not B, she was the moon to me, I longed for her approval, ready to be her minion. All she had to do was exist, I wanted to be seen by her, cherished the way I cherished her. I tried so hard to hold on to her but I saw even then that I didn't fit her mould, she wanted things and people and an image and sometimes, I wasn't in these images and so I was left behind, often. At Navy for GCEs. That's all on that episode, that was the first time it started. Or the first time I saw. Years passed and texts looked like that line from the Eilish song.

Our conversation's all in blue, eleven 'hey's.

I saw her convos with other people and I wanted to be them, have half of what she had with them. It couldn't happen, maybe it was me, maybe it was her, it doesn't matter. I wasn't used by her. I used myself by myself. I wanted to be close to her so much and I was, I took every part of her she gave but I was never going to get what I wanted but I didn't think of that and so never realised it and I held on and on. Used myself up to fill a longing for kinship. Why? I don't know. My retrospection has left that corner of my mind.

I don't regret. It's such a waste to regret. I hate that I didn't learn this part of myself sooner, that way I'd have avoided doing the same for M. I don't remember much, she was not as intellectually challenging as B. There was no game to her words, they showed all the depth that they had immediately she spoke them but still I bent, backward and forward for her to see me, to like me. I am my own danger, years again of being what I would hate later, something I couldn't forgive. I gave her precedence over my sister. More than once. That's all. I do not remember how I came to devolve. But M came with more drama, a ruined reputation and a family gathering where I wasn't there. It's a pity really, that event taught me shame in a weird way and still I fold. In bigger pieces now but still for her, for her family. I forgive myself her.

I am needy and selfish with people, that is the core of my problem. Like a leech, I am clingy to the point of pain. I will not leave till I've been embarrassed. I will also not turn back.

It isn't shocking then that the last time I'll cling, it will be to a MB. Oh, how closely did I cling. It's not embarrassing this time. I started to unravel myself with her, started learning what my issue was. Spoke about it like a warning. 'Be careful, I'd die for you. Just please don't hang out with your other friends too much.'

Insane, very insane. I'd coordinate outfits and be rejected and in rejecting me she shamed me and in my shame, I learnt there might be strength in my knees, I could stand up and walk away. But she did it first. That MB and the imperial need for me to leave her space.

That's enough unspooling. For now.

As part of her social media detox this girl on YouTube made herself do one hour of understimulating tasks every day and she just counted rice for 60 minutes straight because its no different from doomscrolling in terms of wasted time

Sighs.

It's okay, I've decided that it's okay for me to like you more than you like me. It's fine. Not really but writing about it and I see it was a stupid idea in the first place, I'm too far gone to come back whole, I have to let you continue to chafe at my obsession with your appropriate level of affection. Maybe I'll get used to the ache, maybe I'll not. 'All I know is, I love you too much to walk away now.' (M n M)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I always thought girls acting out, being cold and doing weird things in a relationship was weird. You like this boy, what are you doing? What do you mean you don't pick up until he calls the second time. What do you mean you wait for a minute or two to text back? What's going on? Who wrote these rules? No double texting, no public confessions, just alluding to the fact you are in love and no one needs to know the details.

Sadly, I understand now. Like mad. It's a silent shouting for receiving affection first, you want to be needed the way you need. You want to be liked just as much as you like the other person or even more than you like them. That way you know your affection isn't wasted. Because what is more comforting than knowing that you love and you're loved back in return?

When your love is reciprocated in the actions just as much, when they do call back the second time, double text you, put up with the attitude even you know, is silly, you are comforted. 'I love and I'm loved. All is right with the world.'

I see you, you don't want a love that's complacent, comfortable in a way that is lazy. You want to be pined for in the way you pine, nothing is more human than that.

Two lovers have reincarnated throughout history, destined to find each other and fall in love all over again. There’s also this third guy that reincarnates alongside them… we don’t really know what he does.

Simone Biles is a great athlete, she is so beautiful to watch. I know she is great, everyone does but since I do not understand the scoring system in gymnastics, my love for her is not on par with Shelly Ann Fraser-Pryce.

My God, that is one woman who inspires me a lot! Did it, left, got pregnant, came back, did it again (this time as the fastest woman alive!) I'm so proud of her and I can't wait to watch her for the last time in this year's Olympics. I'm rooting for her with all of my heart. She has motivated me by deciding to push herself to her best and for that, I'm grateful.

My exams are soon and every time my eyes are watering from reading or I drop my book because I do not 'feel' like it. I tell myself that postpartum SAFP prolly didn't feel like practicing too. She prolly just wanted to watch reels for a while and chill but she prolly didn't and so I can watch her and be proud, I can draw strength from her story. A woman whom the world thought it was over for but one who knew she wasn't done and showed the rest of us just how not done she is.