“I’m Trying Really Hard To Be This Person That Has Her Shit Together, That Has Some Form Of Fucking

it’s completely acceptable to stay alive for tiny reasons. because you want to hear your favorite song one more time. because your dog will miss you if you leave. because the moon is just too pretty to never see again. because you haven’t seen the next season of a really good tv show. because you want to see the christmas lights this year. if you’re alive, you’re doing enough. if you’re surviving, i’m proud of you.

“You guys are dating right?” he asks. I shake my head in confusion. “No,” I answer. The answer hurts; physically and emotionally. He frowns. “But the way you guys look at each other…” I shake my head, smiling sadly.”

— excerpt from a story i’ll never write #7 // thewriterain

You have to understand that when I’m attached to you, it is not the same as you saying that you like someone. Being attached means that I need you. Being attached means that I think about you, way more often that I should. Being attached means that I look at the clock and immediately thinking what you could be doing. Being attached means that I’m doing something and wishing you were with me. Being attached means that I’m doing something and I’m thinking of your reaction if you were  with me. Being attached means that I care. I genuinely care about you. Being attached means that I overthink of our conversations. Being attached means that I’m constantly worried if you are okay. Being attached means that I want you to be proud of me

Being attached sets me up for disaster. Being attached means that I’m constantly anxious. Being attached means that I want to talk to you constantly Being attached means that I need your undivided attention. Being attached means that I become needy and clingy and possibly annoying. Being attached means that I’m calculating the days and hours till i next see you. Being attached means that I burst into tears the minute I leave. Being attached means that I CAN’T BREATHE. Being attached means that I-AM-SCARED.

I am scared that i’m boring and not good enough. I am scared that you will find me uninteresting I am scared that you will forget me the hours that we don’t talk or see each other. I am scared that I will unintentionally say something that will offend you. I am scared that you will leave, like everyone else. And instead of waiting for you to walk out of my life, for whatever reason, I prefer to leave first. Whatever that takes. Even if this means that I should take my life just so I won’t see you or hear your voice again. Just so you won’t hurt me or cause me pain and suffering when you leave.

*Being attached (or having a favorite person, fp.) doesn’t means that you are in love with the person or you are attracted sexually to them. The person could be anyone, even a stranger.

“I want to love, but I don’t want to break again.”

Love (via nemoday)

This post is made specifically to shame mothers who tried to convince their child that their abusive, cold, distant, aggressive, controlling, violent, you-are-never-good-enough-for-me father actually loves them. This is made to call out every single mom who sat their child down, and told them “Your father isn’t good at showing it, but he loves you.” Or any other complete, utter LIE. 

Because how could you fucking live with yourself after teaching your child to doubt their own senses when they’re being hurt and to call it love? How could you not drown in a pit of shame after telling your child to accept abuse as love! What do you think will happen when they get a spouse who abuses, neglects and hits them? How do you think they’ll feel when they hear your repeated words “they’re bad at showing it but they love you.” How could you take action to make SURE your child keeps living in abuse?! Your children are dead right to think they’re being despised and abused and you went and messed with their fucking sanity. This is unforgivable.

And I fucking know why you did it, you wanted your family to stay together, AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR CHILD BEING ABUSED! Abusive families should NEVER STAY TOGETHER! Not at expense of any member! And especially not the most vulnerable, most defenseless human in it, who you were supposed to be protecting from abuse, not aiding abuser in brainwashing them! 

I will never forgive any one of you. You’re an adult and you stood there and watched your child be abused and took the abuser’s side. If you loved your child you’d be jumping out of your body to try to make sure they’re away and protected from all and any abuse. You all ain’t shit and you don’t deserve your children. Fuck you. 

And of course the child will latch to any hope that they can somehow earn their father’s love and they’ll be filled with completely false hope and then try harder and work harder to please their abusive dad which is exactly what he wants and then he will go and break their fucking hears over and over again because abusive dads are not capable of loving their children and they never fucking will be. Setting your child for even more pain than what they’ve already endured at the hands of their father is fucking evil. What you should be telling to your children is “That man is complete garbage and nothing he ever said about you is true, his approval isn’t worth shit, he is incapable of love, you go and live free of that bullshit, and never think that you’re not good enough because doesn’t know shit about who you are.”

“First time I knew that I was in love was when I realized nothing made me happier than seeing you happy. It was the little moments added up that mattered. It was the way you picked me up from class and the way you walked me home, the way you made me feel better when I was down, and the way you talked me to sleep every night. It was when I found that watching u nap on FaceTime more entertaining than kdramas, when my fingers knew how to call you and how to message you without me having to look at my phone, when you teased me because I liked watching you laugh, and when I knew I was the most comfortable sharing everything with you. I knew I loved you when I put you before my friends and myself. I knew I loved you when everything felt easier with you there. I knew i loved you when I was able to tell you that you were my forever. The small moments that made me love you were easy. Falling out of love with you was the opposite. Falling out of love with you was having to untangle memories from reality. It was wondering what went wrong, wondering what we could’ve done to make it work, wondering why I didn’t do more when in reality I did, and regretting the times I took you for granted. Falling out of love was trying to protect the good memories from being tainted as hurtful things were said to one another. Falling out of love was slowly letting go, learning to forgive, and still loving you for what you meant to me in those 2 years. You fall in and out of love one step at a time. I loved you the way a child would put a jigsaw puzzle together and I stopped the way a child would slowly take the puzzle apart. You were the best thing that happened to me for 2 years. But now the best thing that happened to me was us not working out. We changed and we wanted different things and that is ok. You’ll still always be my friend that I no longer talk to as much. And I know you still always have my back when I need you. im thankful our love story ended because i know myself more now and these past few months reminded me that I’m more than enough and that I’m worthy of being treated better and that there are other people who love me for me. That it was never just you.”

— Ivy X, instagram.com/poisonivayy

this happened with my fp multiple times and I felt foolish afterwards for how I had internally reacted. can any of my bpd peers relate??

He did not say hello to me, why didn’t he say hello? He always says hello, every day, but he did not today. My mind whirls, panic rises within me.

He is leaving me, he hates me. Why didn’t he say hello? Talk to me! Talk to me! Pay attention to me, please do not ignore me!

He does not care for me anymore, he has not said anything to me. It is like a crashing wave, knocking me down, barely able to breathe.

He is abandoning you.

The words that weigh me down like a thousand rocks on top of my body crumbles me to pieces and I rush to leave him first before he can utter the terrifying words and leave me. My defense rises; intense anger and distress engulfs my body.

Trying so hard to ignore the negative voice in my head, I try to recall all the times he had talked to me, reassured me, made me feel so happy like I had been flying and soaring with nothing stopping me. But my memory is blank, and it feels cold and rotten. There is no warmth, and it feels as if those glorious and assuring memories never happened. It has always been barren and dark.

I do not look at him, I do not talk to him.

He deserves this. He did not say anything you, he hates you.

The words creep into my brain like an evil ghost whispering words into my ear, making me believe them. My teeth grind together, the tears well up in my eyes as I realize that I have lost him for what seems like the millionth time.

“Hey.”

My heart leaps, and I feel whole again.

He talked to me! He loves me! Why did I hate him again? He is not leaving me! I have never been upset in my life.

It continues. He talks to me, I feel happy and amazing. He ignores me, and I crumble and fall, retreating into the shadows and telling myself that he does not need me, and that he hates me. I idealize suicide, because it seems better than being abandoned the person who has stolen my fragile heart and soul.