I’m sick of flinching when people move. I’m sick of panic attacks in public because I thought I saw your face. I want to sleep but nightmares haunt my slumber and keep me awake. YOU may not have put your hands on me but there are people who have. You never touched me, you just scream and rave and threaten and starve me. I still remember hiding the bruises. Long sleeved shirts in summer and knowing stares. Head down, curl in, be small, make no noise. These habits have stayed with me.
bpd culture is going from addiction to addiction. maybe you quit self harming but you start smoking. maybe you quit drinking but you get into drugs. we’re all desperate for something to take the pain away
ADVICE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY:
wait until it gets dark and make tea or coffee or hot chocolate, or if it’s too hot outside make yourself a healthy smoothie with your favorite things in it at any point during the day
put on your favorite underwear, it helps, trust me, it’s an old family secret (i’m not kidding)
if you have a pet, play the “how many things can i stick on you until you move or get mad” game (bonus points if they fall asleep, extra bonus points if a family member sees you and tells you to quit it, extra double ultra points if they join in)
rip a peice of paper into as many little pieces as you can
go to animeseason.com and click “random anime” until you see one that looks completely ridiculous (or actually good) and watch the first episode. repeat if it sucked or if you get bored halfway through
spend at least an hour making a music playlist for how you feel right now and save it for now or when you feel a bad mood rise again
curl up in bed and cover yourself with blankets and pillows and put in music and just lay there for a while (sleeping is also good)
eat everything
drink lots of water
it’s okay bad moods don’t last forever!!!!!! i promise!!! you will be yourself soon and there are people who love you very much, don’t be afraid to reach out to them
you are lovely
eat lots of bananas
“You will always be fond of me.
I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Fuck, I really thought you wanted me like I wanted you”
— do you even think about me
stop believing that you ran out of time to shape yourself into who you want to be! stop believing that its ruined! stop believing you don’t have potential! you are not a fixed being! you have endless opportunities to grow.
I hate the “get out of your comfort zone” sentiment because firstly fuck you for assuming everyone has a comfort zone, it’s an idea created in comfortable and privileged environment and cannot apply to survival type lives, I am trying to keep myself in the zone of “discomfort I can survive” and only other zone I can go to is “discomfort that will make me suicidal in 10 seconds or less” and i’m not risking my life for that shit, secondly it’s implying that already overwhelmed people don’t have the right to feel comfortable, and if they work towards feeling comfortable they’re doing the wrong thing, and it’s been enough of that, all of you, every person on this planet has the right to feel comfortable, and should work towards that first, and god knows if i ever find a place i feel comfortable in i will never ever leave
“I wish I knew the right words to say when it came down to writing about someone who makes you feel like flowers are growing inside of your chest. I wish I knew how to explain the way you make me feel when it’s two in the morning and we’re both laughing over something that probably wasn’t even that funny but to other people, our laughs make it seem like it was the world. I wish I knew how to tell people just how really beautiful you are, because when you are there, whether you’re laying down or pacing back and fourth, talking about the things that excite you the most, or just about anything in general that makes you happy, your eyes hold a certain kind of light beneath them that makes me want to never look away. Or when you laugh, my god, when you laugh, I never want it to stop because you do this thing where you tilt your head back and cover your mouth at the last moment after you already been so loud, shaking your head and every single time, I’d think, I wouldn’t mind hearing you laugh for the rest of my life. And when you yell, which is very rare, is scary because you can be there, veins standing at attention and I’d still think you’re the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on, even if I’m driving you insane. Don’t worry though, you drive me insane too. And I wish I knew how to explain the way my hands shake when I think about losing you, or the way my chest tightens to the thought of you being with someone else who isn’t me, because it messes with my mind sometimes and I get fustrated, because only I want to know your favorite book to the way you hate wearing that poka dot shirt, or how you eat when you’re nervous and can’t seem to stop making a mess. But you always been a messy eater so I don’t mind. I fell in love with you and although you are not perfect because you do have your moments, I promise I will love you again and again and again because I am not perfect either but if I am here, holding my heart out to you, and you are there, doing the same, I swear we both can be non-perfect messes together. And I’m trying not to be too cheesy here, because you always did say I buttered you up too much so for now I’ll leave it off with an I love you and an I’ll love you forever until my very last breath and an I am so lucky you decided to choose me.”
— A.M// to jake, maybe loving you isn’t so bad after all.
“We’re not friends. We’re not enemies. We’re just strangers with some memories.”
— Frank Ocean
STOP! TELLING! PEOPLE! THAT! NO! ONE! WILL! LOVE! THEM! UNTIL! THEY! LOVE! THEMSELVES! STOP! PLANTING! THE! IDEA! IN! PEOPLES! BRAINS! THAT! THEY! ARE! UNWORTHY! OF! LOVE! BECAUSE! OF! THEIR! OWN! STRUGGLE!
Everything seems to be so hard. A blog about feelings, poetry, mental health and past trauma experiences and about living with it.
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