“You Will Always Be Fond Of Me.

Ugh I hate the whole “kids these days don’t have any respect my parents beat me and I learned RESPECT” and it’s like ok I grew up in a very strict house where physical and mental punishments were handed out frequently and this is what I learned

-How to lie really well even about ridiculous little things because I was never sure if the truth would get me in trouble

-How to over analyze the body language and tones of voice of everyone around me because I was taught people can snap at any moment and you have to be hyper-aware of your surroundings and the reactions of people

-How to push others in front of me so I could avoid getting hurt

-How to push myself in front of others to protect them from getting hurt

-How to “build alliances” with people toward temporary goals meanwhile knowing at any moment you might have to turn your “ally” in so you can escape punishment

-How to not ever attempt to do things because failure is way way way worse than not attempting

-How to mold myself into a moment so I can become a completely different person depending on the reactions of people around me.

Like knowing these things aren’t worth any level of “respect” I may have accidentally been taught while living in fear of the adults who were meant to care for and protect me. 

“You are not hard to love. It is so easy to love you. When I look at you, all I can feel is love.”

— Who ever made you think loving you was hard?

“no feelings,” he says as he wraps both of his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest.

“no feelings,” i say when his fingers raise my chin towards his.

no feelings. our lips meet and a fire erupts inside me.

no feelings. days become weeks. his secrets become my own, his laughter the soundtrack of my nights.

no feelings. we lay on the couch, limbs intertwined. he plays with my hair. kisses me with his entire being as we say goodbye.

no feelings but i don’t mean it. i don’t mean it. i’m sorry.

4am

“Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.”

—

I wasn’t looking for anything at all when I met you. Actually, I wasn’t planning on falling for anyone so soon. But then I met you. And that was it…I guess things just happened. I found you and I found myself slowly wanting to spend time with you. It was simple. It was easy. And I think that’s how the best relationships begin. You’re not looking for anything and then suddenly you realize; you have something.

— I fell hard.

anyone else get in that place where you kinda feel like crying but no tears are coming out, and your sad but your not really sure why, and you just really want someone to hold you and tell you everything is gonna be alright cause you feel really lonely, but you don’t want to bother anyone with you problems so you just kinda sit there holding yourself in the dark.

“Let someone love you just the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe you must hide of all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”

— Marc Hack

You have to understand that when I’m attached to you, it is not the same as you saying that you like someone. Being attached means that I need you. Being attached means that I think about you, way more often that I should. Being attached means that I look at the clock and immediately thinking what you could be doing. Being attached means that I’m doing something and wishing you were with me. Being attached means that I’m doing something and I’m thinking of your reaction if you were  with me. Being attached means that I care. I genuinely care about you. Being attached means that I overthink of our conversations. Being attached means that I’m constantly worried if you are okay. Being attached means that I want you to be proud of me

Being attached sets me up for disaster. Being attached means that I’m constantly anxious. Being attached means that I want to talk to you constantly Being attached means that I need your undivided attention. Being attached means that I become needy and clingy and possibly annoying. Being attached means that I’m calculating the days and hours till i next see you. Being attached means that I burst into tears the minute I leave. Being attached means that I CAN’T BREATHE. Being attached means that I-AM-SCARED.

I am scared that i’m boring and not good enough. I am scared that you will find me uninteresting I am scared that you will forget me the hours that we don’t talk or see each other. I am scared that I will unintentionally say something that will offend you. I am scared that you will leave, like everyone else. And instead of waiting for you to walk out of my life, for whatever reason, I prefer to leave first. Whatever that takes. Even if this means that I should take my life just so I won’t see you or hear your voice again. Just so you won’t hurt me or cause me pain and suffering when you leave.

*Being attached (or having a favorite person, fp.) doesn’t means that you are in love with the person or you are attracted sexually to them. The person could be anyone, even a stranger.

Another night on my own, and you’d think after 6 years I’d be used to sleeping alone, but when I lay down my head, this house still feels like an empty home.

Poetry At Most