“I Don’t Hate You. I’m Not Mad At You. In Fact, I Hardly Feel Anything At All. Some Days Are Better,

signs that your family is abusive:

you feel the urge to hide from them whenever you’re vulnerable

you cannot bear the idea of them seeing you cry

when you’re hurt or in pain, you don’t go to them because you feel they’ll tell you that you deserved it or that it was your fault

you don’t feel like you can confide in them, either because they don’t seem to care, or try to control how you act, or yell at you and punish you, or use the information against you

you feel very self-conscious around them and keep expecting criticism and insults

you can’t tell them about your struggles because you already know they’ll side against you

you keep things in your life secret from them because you have a feeling they would ridicule, humiliate, and judge you if they knew, or take everything away from you

you feel scared of letting them know when they hurt you

you feel scared and guilty when you so much as think about them in a bad way

you feel the urge to remind yourself of all the things they did for you, whenever something bad comes up, to be sure that you’re seeing them the way they want to be seen by you

you’re scared of being accused of being a burden to them

you’re scared to hold them responsible for things they did to you, because you know they would argue otherwise, and insist they had full right to do what they did, or that you made it up

you have the inner sense of dread that nothing you ever do or say will be taken seriously by them, and your life will always look like a joke to them

you dream of living far away from them and feel guilty for wanting to cut them from your life

you don’t feel like you’re really important in comparison to them, it feels like it’s better to just step aside and let them be important, your life doesn’t matter as much anyway

you’re worried about how your every action might affect their life, their reputation and social standing

you feel that they’re ashamed of you and you’re trying your best not to bring further shame on the family

you feel like you’ll owe them for the rest of your life and nothing you ever do will be enough to erase the debt, and this fills you with dread and feeling of being trapped

you don’t count on their help when you’re in trouble, you’re scared of them finding out and punishing you for being in trouble in the first place

you don’t count on them sharing their resources with you, you know you have to be grateful for how much they’ve given you already and feel like you have no right to ask for anything more, even if you need it

you can’t feel warmth or safety when surrounded by family, instead you wish you didn’t have to be there, and seek a place to hide and protect yourself

holidays spent with family are just painful and something you try to endure instead of enjoy

you can’t imagine a world where you’re free and not defined by these people

*Me taking care of myself and actually listening to my body's basic needs* Wow I actually feel great"

My mental illnesses and unhealthy habits:

Hey, it’s okay to love the parts of your abuser that were kind and good. It’s okay to miss those parts. It’s okay to miss or cherish those memories. It doesn’t invalidate your experience as a victim of abuse.

“Hearing “I miss you” from the right person is a great feeling.”

—

We should stop making kids who already struggle fixing themselves think that it is their responsibility to fix their bullies too

Being lonely is not what gets to you- it’s remembering what it was like to not be.

Poetry At Most

no one talks about when you have to breakup with someone you still love. is it because it’s uncommon or because it’s something that you’re supposed to conceal? it’s not a normal ending, you sit there breaking someone’s heart while simultaneously breaking your own even though you know it’s for the best. when it’s over where does that love go, because all i feel is it sitting next to the guilt- i can’t believe i hurt them, why didn’t i just give it a little longer, this is my fault. and the regret- what if it was the wrong choice, maybe we could have fixed it, i want them back. but you know things weren’t working, you know love isn’t always enough.

4am

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

+20lbs and no relapses in 11 months. Bye bye anorexia, you’re canceled. 💅❤

Heartbreak is when you’re trying to move on but they keep popping up in your dreams and say the words you’d wish they’d say.

dreaming of you again (via sinfulxo)