Just Because You Have Left That Toxic Situation, Doesn’t Mean You’re Automatically Healed And Shouldn’t

Don’t ever date someone with a mental illness if you’re not ready to work through it with them.

If the person you’re crushing on suffers from panic attacks- of any level- and you are there when they have one and you don’t want to “deal with it.”  Do them the favor and leave.  Because there will be days when they can’t breathe and if you won’t hold them or grab them a water or tell them its okay or whatever they need than you are not the one.  If you don’t take their attacks seriously, you are not the one.  This is a real illness.  It can ruin a persons life.  

If the person you’re starting to have feelings for suffers from anxiety, you need to expect that you’ll experience at least one, if not more, while you’re with them. These are not a joke.  We can not calm down.  And if we tell you we don’t know why were are anxious, we really don’t.  Were not lying.  We don’t know why our brain is like this but we can promise you that we are freaking the fuck out.  Ask us what we need.  Be there please.  If this is something you don’t want to “make time for” walk away from this now.

If the person you just started talking to suffers from depression, expect to hold them during breakdowns.  Sometimes we will be sad and cry a lot and not even know why. Certain days you might have to force us out of bed.  Other days you might find us sitting on the bathroom floor with a blank empty stare.  We feel empty.  We feel worthless.  We feel sad.  Pick us up, tell us were worthy, help us be a little bit better.  Don’t leave us anywhere alone, were really scared.  If you can’t handle this because its “too much pressure” please please don’t get involved with us, we don’t like feeling like were a burden.

If the person you’re thinking about dating deals with bipolar disorder, don’t just tell them to take medication.  Don’t tell us we have a problem when we’ve started an hour long fight over you saying a word wrong to us.  We want to stop yelling as well.  We don’t even know why were so mad, and now were crying, and you’re looking at us like were crazy.  Were not taking our medication because we want to be okay without it.  Just let us calm down then try and talk to us.  As hard as it seems for you, its even harder for us.  Were experiencing something because we think we want to but at the same time trying to stop it.  If we have a manic episode we will be very tired afterward and very upset.  Tell us you aren’t mad because what ever we said, we didn’t mean it, and we will overthink it forever.  We hate ourselves but don’t want you to hate us too.  If this is too crazy for you, we understand, just be our friend then.  We don’t want to take our shit out on you but we will, so if you are going to react really badly it’d be better to just not put yourself in the position. 

—–

These aren’t the only illnesses but these are the ones that I live with and suffer from on a daily basis.  It is so important that you help people through these things and stand with them 110%. Spread awareness of these things.

It frustrates me so much that I’m not allowed to talk about my trauma’s to anyone from my family. Only because it puts them in bad lighting. But no shit they are being put in bad lighting. They are the reasons i have some of these trauma’s. They should have thought about this before traumatizing me, right? Not my fault that they look bad when I talk about the things they did to me that made me struggling with these trauma’s.

“You make me feel drunk. Warm, fuzzy, and a little sad.”

— L.S.

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)

Physical abuse

they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically

they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again

they make it clear that they want to hit me

they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me

they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)

they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)

they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with

they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say

they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed

they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me

I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me

they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger

Social abuse

they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life

they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life

they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with

they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy

they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone

their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company

they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them

they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public

they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends

they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings

they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine

they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful

they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through

they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others

they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes

they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it

they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy

Emotional abuse

they yell at me even when I’m already crying

they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough

they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”

when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me

they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them

they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller

they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them

they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing

they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing

they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs

when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work

they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past

they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again

they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work

it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs

they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return

they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all

if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead

they’ve cheated on me before

they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them

they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness

they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared

they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies

they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted

they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it

they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved

they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them

they lied to me about having other relationships or being married

they make me feel like I’m hard to love

they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me

they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me

they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it

I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do

I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important

I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty

I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me

I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did

I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me

I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it

I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time

I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.

I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.

I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.

I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.

I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.

I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.

I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.

they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave

Psychological abuse

they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards

they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt

they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life

they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic

they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation

they question my choices until I start doubting them myself

they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices

they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love

they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)

they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me

they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)

they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)

they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)

I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset

they make me comfort them when they hurt me

they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation

they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant

they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts

they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful

they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)

they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)

Body control

they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence

they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself

they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body

they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions

they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices

they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse

they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw

they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)

Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)

they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances

they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things

they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)

they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me

they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income

they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do

they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)

they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it

they lie to me about finances and our current standing

they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)

I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings

I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble

I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose

they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances

Sexual abuse (tw rape)

they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”

they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act

they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me

they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me

I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex

they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing

if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards

I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do

they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them

they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to

they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before

they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so

they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze

they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me

they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing

they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me

they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex

they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex

they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex

they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with

they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act

they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey

they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex

they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually

they demand a lot of  sexual attention but refuse to give any to me

they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way

they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually

they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)

they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others

*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being

If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.

I miss you. But not the way you miss your family when you’re gone for some time. I miss you the way you miss the sun when it snows. The way you miss home when you’re on the road. That’s the way I miss you.

every piece of me is begging myself just to ask how you feel about me. i need to know if when you picture your future i’m the person beside you. i need to know if my smile makes your heart skip a beat. if you love me back because god damn not knowing is making me losing my fucking mind. i try so hard for you. i show you in every way i know how that you are who my heart belongs to. i started loving you before i ever learned how to love someone right. now i know how and i still love you. i would do anything to just prove you to you how much i’ve changed. that i will do better this time. but i don’t think you care anymore... maybe it’s finally time to let you go.

I SWORE THIS YEAR ID STOP CHASING PEOPLE WHO DONT WANT ME BUT I STILL LOVE YOU// 4am

I’m sick of flinching when people move. I’m sick of panic attacks in public because I thought I saw your face. I want to sleep but nightmares haunt my slumber and keep me awake. YOU may not have put your hands on me but there are people who have. You never touched me, you just scream and rave and threaten and starve me. I still remember hiding the bruises. Long sleeved shirts in summer and knowing stares. Head down, curl in, be small, make no noise. These habits have stayed with me.

What to do when you are having a panic attack…

Hey now. It’s going to be alright. You are going to be ok. Things might be scary for a while and it might hurt a little bit but you are going to be ok.

First thing I want you to do for me is focus on your breathing. Ignore whatever thoughts are going on in your head, any activity that is happening around you. Focus on your breathing.  

Alright. We are gonna try now ok? It might hurt a little bit but the pain will go away.

Follow the pattern:

In two three four

Out two three four

Again

In two three four

Out two three four

Make your breaths slow and deep. Its ok.

In two three four

Out two three four

It’s going to be ok. You are safe. Breathe.

In two three four

Out two three four

You are loved. You are wanted.

In two three four

Out two three four

Its ok. You’re ok. Slow and deep. Keep breathing.

In two three four

Out two three four

Keep going.Just breathe.

If you would rather have a visual to help you can try this.

I found that this one helps a lot. Just focus on the gif. Match your breathing with that. Its going to be ok.

Keep looking at these. If your breathing is not better, its ok. Look back and try to get it steady. No one is rushing you. If at any time you need to come back to these exercises its ok. You do them as many times as you need to, as often as you need to.There is no time limit to becoming ok. Just breathe. It’s gonna be alright.

Now that you can breathe lets try to do a little more ok? Remember, if your breathing gets worse go back to the section above until it gets better. It’s not a bad thing to have to go back. Its ok.

I want you to feel where you are. Are you standing? Sitting? Lying down? If you are standing, try to find a possible spot to sit down. The floor is perfectly ok. If you can’t find a place to sit, lean against a wall at the very least. If you are sitting in a high chair or in one that is hard to balance on, see if you can find a sturdier place to sit. If you are lying down you are ok. If you can’t tell what you are doing its ok. Don’t panic. Try to find something solid to be against.

The next thing I want you to do for me is relax. You might be very tense right now. That tension could be making it worse. So we are going to try to get rid of it, alright? Even if you don’t feel tense it is still a good idea to try this. You could be tense but not feel it.

We are gonna start to relax now. The first thing I want you to focus on is your toes. Are they clenched? If they are, try to uncurl them. Next are the muscles in your feet. Try to relax them. It’s ok. Relax so that the muscle is not tight.

Now go to your lower leg, your calf. Is it tense? Relax the muscle. What about your upper leg, your thigh? Relax.  

Now move to your fingers. If they are clenched, relax them its ok. Now the rest of your hand. And your arm. Relax. Its ok

Next is your neck. Let  go of all the tension that you feel.

Now your chest. Just relax completely. Its gonna be ok. It might feel a little weird. But it is gonna be ok.

If you can’t relax or if your body is too tight, its ok. It really is. If you can’t relax try to grab onto something near you, that is not you, like a blanket or a book. You can grab your shirt if you need to. Ok?

Think about your breathing again. How is it doing? Are you still breathing normally? If not, go back and focus on it. Its ok, take the time you need. Once your breathing is ok, keep going.

Hopefully you feel a little better. Is there anyone you can call? Or someone who might help you? Is there someone you need to get in touch with to let them know that you need help? If you can, contact the people you feel comfortable with to tell them that you need help. If you don’t want to call them you can text them. You aren’t bothering them. They want to help you. Its ok, don’t be scared.

If you don’t have anyone to contact, its ok. You don’t have to or need to.

Check your breathing again. Is it ok? If not, do some breathing exercises. Its ok.

Next I want you to check and see if you are hurt. Did you hit your head or are you bleeding anywhere? Do you need to get help from someone or go to the hospital?

You might still be in some pain in your chest. Its ok. It should go away really soon. If it doesn’t you should go to the doctor to see if they can help you.

If you are hurt try to take care of yourself. Ice any bumps and bandage any cuts. If you need to wait to do this until you can move better, it is ok. Just make sure that you do it eventually.

If you are not physically hurt, then stay calm and keep breathing. It’s good that you aren’t hurt. Were gonna keep going on the path to making you feel better. How’s your breathing doing? Remember take it nice and slow.

If you can, I want you to go get some water. It will help you feel better. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but you do need some. Take small sips, but try to finish all of it. If you have to get up and you are still shaky make sure that you stay close to the walls and keep yourself from falling. Its going to be ok.

If you don’t have access to water another type of liquid will do. If you don’t have access to any type of drink, it is ok. When you get the chance make sure to get some.

Even if you are feeling a bit queasy, you should still drink a little bit. It will help settle your stomach and help you feel better.

If you feel up to it could you eat a small something for me? It doesn’t have to be a full meal, just some crackers or a granola bar. If you don’t think you can its ok. You are perfectly fine.

Keep breathing darlin. You are doing so wonderfully. You are going to be ok.

Its going to be ok. Whatever you were worried or panicked about, it will be ok. Things have a way of working themselves out. The only thing that you need to focus on right now is feeling better.

Don’t think about work or school. Just breathe.

You are ok. You are safe here. Nothing is going to hurt you. You are protected by your tumblr family and we are not going anywhere. We won’t let anything hurt you. You are safe here. You can always come here and find comfort. Its ok.

You are loved. You are such a wonderful, unique person. I could not imagine the world without you. You hold a special place in my heart and no one else could fill it. It doesn’t matter if we talk every day or if you have never messaged me or if you don’t even know who I am. I still love you.

You are wanted. You are so special. There will never be a time that I will not appreciate you. It is ok. If there is a voice telling you that you are unimportant, it is lying. You are so very important. I promise you. You are wanted.

You are beautiful. It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter what you identify as, your skin color, hair color, height, size, face shape, hair color or texture, or origins. You are beautiful. It doesn’t matter if you have freckles, dimples, birthmarks, stretchmarks, scars, or acne. You are beautiful. It doesn’t matter if you spend two hours on make up, or wear none. It doesn’t matter if you wear the latest fashions or have clothes that are hand-me-downs or from ten years ago. It doesn’t matter if you are disabled or if you are missing a limb. It doesn’t matter if you don’t fit into societies standards. You are beautiful. Absolutely enchanting. It doesn’t matter who you are. You are beautiful.

You are going to be ok.

How are you feeling darlin? Is your breathing ok?

There is one last thing I want you to do for me.

I want you to get comfortable. Alright?

Take a shower if you want. Or a bath. Make the water comfortable and get yourself clean. Use the soap that smells really good or that bath bomb that you really like. Take your time. There is no rush. Put lotion on after you are done. All over. Do any other cleansing routines you have. Drink a little bit more water.

Get dressed in your comfiest clothes whether that is a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt or a nightgown or a onesie its ok. Just get comfortable. Don’t forget the socks if you want them.

Grab a blanket. Go to the place you like being the most. A comfy chair, the couch, or your bed. Get warm. Get comfy. Now do something that relaxes you. That makes you happy. Reading, watching your favorite show, writing, drawing, anything. Do something you enjoy. Bake some cookies. Throw a dance party. Take a nap. Do some knitting. Or that one thing you always wanted to do but you couldn’t find the time to do.

Be happy. Be warm. Relax.

Its gonna be ok darlin.

I got you.

You are safe.

And loved.

And wanted.

You are gonna be alright.

I’m right here for you.

I really hope this helps y’all. Always feel free to message me and I will try to help you in anyway I can. Keep in mind, this might not help everybody. I tried to be inclusive and put everything I thought would help but chances are I missed something.

I hope you feel better now. Keep your chin up. We stand strong together.

Love you all, Eve 💜

“Hearing “I miss you” from the right person is a great feeling.”

—