“Your Trauma Is Valid. Even If Other People Have Experienced “worse”. Even If Someone Else Who

“I was driving home today as I passed by all the places we used to go together. It was in the midst of our bittersweet memories when I realized I took you to all my favorite places. All my favorite places that I can never return to again.”

— Everything reminds me of you

I still believe we’ll get our second chance…

“Well, you’ll break his heart and he’ll break yours. But you won’t forget each other, even if one day you walk past him and neither of you acknowledges it. That’s the thing about first loves, you never forget them, they are the only person who gets your whole untouched heart. They get all the love you’ve saved up for this moment and they get to keep it forever. You may never speak again but you can guarantee that you can still picture his eyes looking into yours as he said those three words, the way he kissed you afterwards and couldn’t stop repeating those words over and over until you were both too tired to speak. However you’ll also always remember the last time he said those three words, and told you that he was going to come back for you, the way he made you believe that a happy ending did exist for both of you. Those memories will come back to you in waves, all the firsts and all the lasts, the good and the bad, but what’s important is the fact that your first love is just that, the first but not the last.”

— from me to you

i’m a little bit on the chubbier side and that’s okay!! i give good hugs!! i’m adorable!! my body is adorable!! i don’t always feel this way and that’s okay too!! i don’t always have to be happy with myself, but it’s okay that sometimes i am!! loving yourself is so much more fun than being mean to yourself 💞

self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. sometimes it’s crossing the street without looking both ways. sometimes it’s showering with the water a little too hot. sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing out. self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things so never assume what someone may be going through just bc they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

I think the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced is my abuser actually becoming pretty normal. It’s the weirdest thing.

On one hand, you’re happy that they won’t hurt people. You’re happy that they’ve learnt to manage their emotions. You’re happy that some of the fear of seeing them is lifted off your shoulders. But at the same time, you are so angry. You are traumatized already. It’s just more proof they they can move on while you’re stuck here. The have DESTROYED you, and now you don’t even have someone to be mad at. Or at least you’ll always feel a little guilty that you resent them. They might not yell at you, or call you fat, stupid, worthless, manipulate you, threaten you… but everyday they’re hurting you. And they always will be.

But they get to be recover. They get to be forgiven -And they genuinely have changed… maybe they’re even sorry for how they treated you. But they can form normal relationships. They can cope. They can move on.

But it’s so much harder for you.

Ugh I hate the whole “kids these days don’t have any respect my parents beat me and I learned RESPECT” and it’s like ok I grew up in a very strict house where physical and mental punishments were handed out frequently and this is what I learned

-How to lie really well even about ridiculous little things because I was never sure if the truth would get me in trouble

-How to over analyze the body language and tones of voice of everyone around me because I was taught people can snap at any moment and you have to be hyper-aware of your surroundings and the reactions of people

-How to push others in front of me so I could avoid getting hurt

-How to push myself in front of others to protect them from getting hurt

-How to “build alliances” with people toward temporary goals meanwhile knowing at any moment you might have to turn your “ally” in so you can escape punishment

-How to not ever attempt to do things because failure is way way way worse than not attempting

-How to mold myself into a moment so I can become a completely different person depending on the reactions of people around me.

Like knowing these things aren’t worth any level of “respect” I may have accidentally been taught while living in fear of the adults who were meant to care for and protect me. 

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” means “Change your behavior, apologize, and do better next time.” 

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” DOES NOT mean “Your symptoms are your fault, your disorder is not even an explanation, and you are a bad person if you behave less than neurotypical”

A friendly reminder for people with repressed memories

You didn’t make your abuse up.

Your abuse is real.

Your abuse is 100% valid.

Your memories of abuse aren’t fake.

Having repressed memories means that your brain tried to protect you from the horrible pain you have endured, and it’s more common than you think especially in csa survivors.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

"I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone."

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