I’m A Little Bit On The Chubbier Side And That’s Okay!! I Give Good Hugs!! I’m Adorable!! My Body

If you’re living in an abusive environment, and you often doubt your own memories and wonder if it’s really that bad or if you’re overreacting, here’s a few things you can do:

Write down what your abusers are telling you in the time of abuse. It can be easy to disregard it at the time it’s happening, but once you write it down, you can read it later and only then see how actually horrid and disgusting these words are. Whenever you doubt yourself, read these words. No loving parent or partner would say words like that, no matter what kind of angry they are. If you write in the dates too, these writings will also serve as a proof, if at any time you decide to take legal action against them.

Check the double standards – would you be able to get away with acting toward the abuser the same way they’re acting towards you? Would you be safe doing any of the things abusers are doing to you? For instance, if they threaten you, or pick apart your appearance, insult and humiliate you, destroy your confidence, ruin your plans and goals constantly, invade your boundaries, act like you don’t have feelings or imply you’re worthless and a burden – could you ever do any of that back, safely? If the answer is no, then all of their aggressions, even ones they mask as ‘jokes’ and 'well intentioned’ are based on a power imbalance. They’re punching you down because they know you can’t defend yourself. That’s abuse.

Ask yourself, would I ever do that to someone. For every and each of their abusive actions, imagine yourself, with your own future kids, or a partner if it’s the abusive relationship, and ask yourself if you would ever do any of that to a loved one, anyone. How would that person feel. Once you put yourself in their own shoes, and imagine someone else suffering at your hand, it becomes clear their excuses are worthless, a decent human being would never do what they did, no matter the circumstances.

Only abusive people will ever try to tell you that you’re lucky it isn’t worse. Only abusive people will demand you to be grateful, or compare themselves to someone worse to prove how bad it could have been. What you can do is keep having healthy references to what a non-abusive environment looks like. If it’s your home, you should feel safe and loved in there. If it’s a relationship, you should be completely equal, never diminished or told you’re less than. If these people are nowhere near making you feel safe and loved, and insist on you being less competent, stupid, unworthy, deserving of pain – ask yourself what the heck is wrong with them. Even if by some insanity you could possibly be stupider or less competent, a loving person would never ever feel a need to say that to you to your face, they would see what is good in you, and point that out, over and over.

If your doubt in yourself is based on this person treating you badly, while they treat everyone else good, know that normal people treat their loved ones, their family, with more warmth, more allowances, more softness and forgiveness than their collegues, neighbours, outsiders, bosses or strangers. If this abuser chose the most vulnerable person, the one who relies on them the most, to abuse, something is wrong with them. They’re obviously capable of being polite and respectful – as they let on by treating others better, so why don’t they utilize their skill with someone who truly cares about them? Because at heart, they’re just an abuser. Playing nice with others is only to build a reputation that helps them discredit victims. Problem is not within you, but a monster who treats the people they supposedly love, worst than enemies. They’re incapable of love. You were lovable all along.

PSA

telling your neurodivergent/mentally ill kid:

“you can’t do anything right without your meds”

“you’ll never amount to anything without your meds”

“i like you better on your meds”

“you’re stupid without your meds”

“you embarass me off your meds”

“you’re too embarassing to be seen in public without your meds"

“no one could ever want to be your friend without your meds”

“the meds must be working because you accomplished something”

“the meds are working because you’re quieter”

is EXACTLY THE SAME as telling them:

“you can’t do anything right”

“you’ll never amount to anything”

“i don’t like you”

“you’re stupid”

“i’m ashamed of you”

“you’re too embarrassing to be in public, i’m embarassed to be seen with you”

“no one could ever want to be your friend”

“you didn’t earn your accomplishments”

and “i wish you didn’t exist, so at least be quiet so i can pretend you don’t"

PASS IT ON

(this is not directed at anyone who chooses to take medication, this is about parents/siblings/ect. who talk to ppl this way)

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

“His eyes are beautiful, captivating. It’s incredible how much eyes can tell you. They can show the pain that they’ve been through and the joy that they feel. They can be glazed over like glass or shine like stars. His now shine, even more beautiful than they did before. And they always captivate me, every single time. They always surprise me with how beautifully they glow. They make me feel comfortable, I can look into them for hours on end and try to watch the stories of his mind unravel. I like to listen to him talk, I like the way that he says things differently than I. I love how with every word he says he has me begging for the next one. Every time he speaks it’s as if all the gloomyness of the room around us has faded, and we have entered a land of paradise. His words are so gentle, planned out quickly in his mind. Oh how I wish that I could talk as calmly as he. I love his body, I love how his hips fit between mine. I love holding him in my arms because I know he’s safe from the world’s harms. It’s nice to stroke his sides, I like to glide my hands along the soft surface. His body is homely and when I am connected with it I feel calm. His hands fit perfectly with mine as if he were a missing bolt in my creation. And the way his nose will wrinkle when he frowns. His laugh is gorgeous, not the little chuckle he makes when I pull a silly face but his real laugh. His heart felt laugh, it’s truly something spectacular, it’s as if it is a melody and it has surly become my favourite song. To see him cry with laughter is a moment I am content, knowing that he his happy. He makes me feel safe, when with him I feel at home. It doesn’t matter where I am, as long as he stays by my side through the morning and the night everything will be alright. I want to travel with this man. I want him to see my favourite places, the little nooks and crannies all around the world that I have fallen in love with, I want him to fall in love with too. I want to share my secret places and I want them to become his secret place too. I want take him to the palace of my mind, I want him to be able to see the beauty that I do when I see him, I want him to understand the feeling of wholeness I get when he is near. I want to share everything I love with the one I love.”

— Home 03.08.16

When you’re being abused, being accused of something is equal to being guilty of said thing, and thus being convicted/punished. You can’t defend yourself either, as you’ll be invalidated/gaslighted/otherwise manipulated or threatened into silence or agreeing with the abuser. That, or your self-defense will automatically be taken as evidence of your “guilt.” Sometimes they won’t give you a chance to speak. Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’re actually guilty of said thing, and you just forgot because the abuser made you believe your brain is defective, etc.

This is all vile, manipulative, and scummy bullshit. Abusers are just trying to feel powerful and justified in abusing you. They gaslight and silence you so you can’t interfere with their fantastical delusions. And it’s usually over petty things too (which goes to show how immature abusers are).

Trauma didn't make me nice, I consciously made me nice because I don't want anyone else to suffer like I did. Trauma didn't make me strong, I made me strong. Don't you dare ever tell me my trauma made me anything but scared, broken, and confused. Don't give credit to the abusers for me being a good person. They didn't make me good, I made myself good.

eating isn’t shameful. you aren’t ugly just because you’ve gained weight. calories are necessary. treating yourself is okay. please take care of yourself. your body loves you and depends on you to help it function properly.

What it feels like to fall out of love with someone

I have seen so many posts about relationships ending, but none of them are ever from the point of view of the people who do the ending. So many posts about not being loved anymore, but I’ve never seen one about what it’s like to fall out of love with someone.

It’s when you see them and you don’t feel that same rush you once did. It’s not caring whether you can call them or not. It’s everything about them that annoys you, things you previously ignored, starting to slip in.

It’s denial. It’s horror at your own thoughts, because what are you even thinking? You love this person. You want to be with them, always. It’s telling yourself, ‘Of course I want to be with them, why wouldn’t I?’

And it’s pushing every single thought away, refusing to acknowledge it, until it eventually gets too much and you have to ask yourself, is this really what I want?

And it goes from not being happier when you see them, to not wanting to see them at all, and finding excuses, because you can’t look them in the eye, this person who loves you and who cares for you, a person who thinks you feel the same, but it’s fading and you’re doing all you can to hold on, but you just can’t.

It’s feeling sick as they tell you they love you because you know you have to say it back, because of course you love them, you have to, but as the words leave your mouth, you can taste bile at the lie.

It’s hating yourself, because this person, who cares about you, who wants to be with you, who is willing to put up with whatever you can throw at them, and you can’t do the same.

It’s the chemistry and the intimacy fading because you’re trying to force yourself because you’re still in denial, and it just makes you miserable.

It’s the eventual realisation that despite your best efforts, it just isn’t there for you. It’s telling your friends, breaking down and asking what the hell do I do, because if they can’t help you, no one can. It’s months and months all building up, and it’s more denial, more hating yourself, because this person, this person who loves you and cares for you, and you’re about to throw it back in their face.

It’s saying it to yourself at two in the morning, not being able to sleep because it’s all you can think about, and for one pure instant, all you feel is relief at finally having admitted it after lying to yourself for so long.

It’s the realisation that you have to tell them, because while you don’t love them, you care about them and the last thing you want to do is hurt them. It’s realising their parents will hate you for something you can’t properly explain, something their friends will never forgive you for, the feeling of letting down all those people.

It’s that awful, awful conversation, and while their world is shattering, all you can feel is relief. It’s more self hatred after, because you have completely and utterly destroyed someone, and you’re relieved about it.

It’s seeing them around a few months later, and they still look like they’re not completely okay, and it’s a sick feeling in your stomach when you make eye contact, and they walk away as quickly as possible.

It is the worst thing you can do to someone, but you just feel relieved you don’t have to lie to them anymore, lie to their parents, their friends.

It’s hating yourself for months, and doubting yourself and everything you do. It screws with your head, and it is one of the worst feelings imaginable.

If you're ever bored, here's a list of Studio Ghibli films you can watch for free.

Castle In The Sky (1986) Grave of the Fireflies (1988) My Neighbor Totoro (1988) Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) Only Yesterday (1991) Porco Rosso (1992) Pom Poko (1994) Whisper of the Heart (1995) Princess Mononoke (1997) My Neighbors the Yamadas (1999) Spirited Away (2001) The Cat Returns (2002) Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) Tales from Earthsea (2006) Ponyo On A Cliff From The Sea (2008) The Secret World of Arrietty/The Borrower Arrietty (2010) From Up on Poppy Hill (2011)

If any of the links stop working, please let me know so I can fix it.

For Castle In The Sky, wait for the free user button to be clickable and it will send you to the video.

What a PTSD-Induced Panic Attack is Like (based on experience of Yours Truely, so it may not be the same for all)

That’s right comrades, y'all read that unnecessarily-long title correctly. We are gonna discuss PTSD and Panic Attacks. No, not ALL of the symptoms appear every time.

Most Common Symptoms of Attacks

Hyperventilating

Shaking

Accelerated pulse

Feeling like reality is disappearing/feeling helpless

A gah-jillion thoughts that you can’t get straight

Overwhelming fear, mainly of injury or dying

Hot flashes

Not blinking

Lightheadedness

Claustrophobia

Sometimes-Symptoms in Cases of Major Attacks

Muscle weakness/legs giving out

Fever

Flashbacks (strictly in cases of PTSD)

Flinching/jumping away from other people’s touch

Eyes looking all around trying to focus on something “real” instead of thoughts/images/memories being shown super vividly in your mind (almost seeming like they’re happening again)

Saying out-of-context things such as “I’m sorry,” or “please don’t hurt me,” because you’re busy watching the trauma happen all over again (linked with the one above)

Starting-to-Have-an-Attack but-Not-Quite-Completely-Having-One Symptoms

Shaking

Accelerated pulse

Hot flashes

Rapid breathing (but not quite hyperventilating)

Things Done to Help or Prevent Attacks

Wearing hair up (helps minimize hot flashes if you have long hair that covers your neck. I was once sitting in class, trying to figure out how to address the topic of a very-fresh incident with my soon-to-be-boyfriend and I started getting hot flashes. Earlier in the day one of my other friends [not knowing why I always wear my hair up] pulled the ponytail out of my hair, and I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out from the heat)

A “home source”, or something to wear to keep you connected to something you love or care about (this is what I do, but I don’t think it has to be clothing. I wear my boyfriend’s jacket 24/7 because the smell keeps it away. Seriously I have sang in front of people wearing it and I have yet to have an attack. 10/10 recommend)

Keep something to distract you (ex. Book, toy, etc) (it won’t keep it away, but will help make it not as bad)

Someone you are close to that can actually talk and get to you while in the middle of an attack (more about this next)

How to Help an Attack (based on my experience)

My boyfriend does this thing where he gets at eye level, puts a hand on each cheek (unless I express that I don’t want to be touched. NEVER FORCEFULLY PUT A HAND ON SOMEONE DURING AN ATTACK! THIS COULD MAKE IT WORSE!) and whispers at me to look at him (NEVER RAISE YOUR VOICE WHEN SOMEONE IS HAVING AN ATTACK! THIS COULD ALSO MAKE IT WORSE!) Once I look him in the eyes he starts “talking me down” and reassuring me that it’ll be okay, and he’s there: I listen to this. If a random person tries to help it’s almost like I can’t hear them. Find someone you’re close with and talk to them about this

Sometimes they need space. Clear the area

Possible Triggers (based on my experiences)

Mine comes from PTSD directed from violence, so just remember this is different for different causes.

Agressive yelling (joking yelling and loud rooms are fine. I go to a public school with literal thousands of other people talking over one another, and I myself tend to yell because it amuses me)

Stuff breaking (glass, plastic, etc. Some materials more than others)

Doors slamming (doesn’t max-out an attack, but gives minor symptoms)

Physical violence towards others, or even accidentally physically hurting me (story time: he [you can probably tell who I am referring to at this point] was once trying to be sweet and considerate and zip up my [technically his] jacket because I was shivering my boobs off, but accidentally caught my neck in the zipper. I started shoving him away and refused to let him near me until I calmed down a little because in my mind, he was trying to attack me)

Or even like this one time he was trying to bottle flip a little plastic thing of orange juice onto the breakfast table. It hit a bunch of empty containers of it (I really freaking love orange juice) and they all came flying at me. I froze in my chair, started shaking hyperventilating, and all that jazz and didn’t even know why

Do what you will with this information. Write it into a book. Help a friend. Go nuts. Just remember, while triggers can come from simple things, don’t over-exaggerate them. Good luck!