Living-healing - Poetry Helps

Me: FP texted yesterday things are cool

Me 2 hours later: FP texted yesterday but not today what if things aren't cool

Me 5 hours later: FP hates me and is never speaking to me again!!

Me 7 hours later: i want to die my life is over i'm never leaving my bed again

10 hours later: *FP calls*

Favorite Person: just wanted to say goodnight

Me that night: i'm sleeping on air i've never been so happy i will never feel sad again i am cured and whole and well and life is the most perfect thing there ever was

reminder that many abuse victims get triggered by anger, whether it’s directed at them or not. please be mindful of your actions

this happened with my fp multiple times and I felt foolish afterwards for how I had internally reacted. can any of my bpd peers relate??

He did not say hello to me, why didn’t he say hello? He always says hello, every day, but he did not today. My mind whirls, panic rises within me.

He is leaving me, he hates me. Why didn’t he say hello? Talk to me! Talk to me! Pay attention to me, please do not ignore me!

He does not care for me anymore, he has not said anything to me. It is like a crashing wave, knocking me down, barely able to breathe.

He is abandoning you.

The words that weigh me down like a thousand rocks on top of my body crumbles me to pieces and I rush to leave him first before he can utter the terrifying words and leave me. My defense rises; intense anger and distress engulfs my body.

Trying so hard to ignore the negative voice in my head, I try to recall all the times he had talked to me, reassured me, made me feel so happy like I had been flying and soaring with nothing stopping me. But my memory is blank, and it feels cold and rotten. There is no warmth, and it feels as if those glorious and assuring memories never happened. It has always been barren and dark.

I do not look at him, I do not talk to him.

He deserves this. He did not say anything you, he hates you.

The words creep into my brain like an evil ghost whispering words into my ear, making me believe them. My teeth grind together, the tears well up in my eyes as I realize that I have lost him for what seems like the millionth time.

“Hey.”

My heart leaps, and I feel whole again.

He talked to me! He loves me! Why did I hate him again? He is not leaving me! I have never been upset in my life.

It continues. He talks to me, I feel happy and amazing. He ignores me, and I crumble and fall, retreating into the shadows and telling myself that he does not need me, and that he hates me. I idealize suicide, because it seems better than being abandoned the person who has stolen my fragile heart and soul.

“i am slowly forgetting your smell, the sound of your steps, and the hand motions you make while talking but i’m so sure, whenever i’ll see you again, i’ll recognise these immediately and it’ll feel like coming home after a long tiring day.”

— long distance.

This post is made specifically to shame mothers who tried to convince their child that their abusive, cold, distant, aggressive, controlling, violent, you-are-never-good-enough-for-me father actually loves them. This is made to call out every single mom who sat their child down, and told them “Your father isn’t good at showing it, but he loves you.” Or any other complete, utter LIE. 

Because how could you fucking live with yourself after teaching your child to doubt their own senses when they’re being hurt and to call it love? How could you not drown in a pit of shame after telling your child to accept abuse as love! What do you think will happen when they get a spouse who abuses, neglects and hits them? How do you think they’ll feel when they hear your repeated words “they’re bad at showing it but they love you.” How could you take action to make SURE your child keeps living in abuse?! Your children are dead right to think they’re being despised and abused and you went and messed with their fucking sanity. This is unforgivable.

And I fucking know why you did it, you wanted your family to stay together, AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR CHILD BEING ABUSED! Abusive families should NEVER STAY TOGETHER! Not at expense of any member! And especially not the most vulnerable, most defenseless human in it, who you were supposed to be protecting from abuse, not aiding abuser in brainwashing them! 

I will never forgive any one of you. You’re an adult and you stood there and watched your child be abused and took the abuser’s side. If you loved your child you’d be jumping out of your body to try to make sure they’re away and protected from all and any abuse. You all ain’t shit and you don’t deserve your children. Fuck you. 

And of course the child will latch to any hope that they can somehow earn their father’s love and they’ll be filled with completely false hope and then try harder and work harder to please their abusive dad which is exactly what he wants and then he will go and break their fucking hears over and over again because abusive dads are not capable of loving their children and they never fucking will be. Setting your child for even more pain than what they’ve already endured at the hands of their father is fucking evil. What you should be telling to your children is “That man is complete garbage and nothing he ever said about you is true, his approval isn’t worth shit, he is incapable of love, you go and live free of that bullshit, and never think that you’re not good enough because doesn’t know shit about who you are.”

When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

“I can’t make them love me. Nobody can force love. It just can’t be helped if they don’t love me. It’s not anyone’s fault.”

— Me, age 8, thinking about my parents.

“Well, you’ll break his heart and he’ll break yours. But you won’t forget each other, even if one day you walk past him and neither of you acknowledges it. That’s the thing about first loves, you never forget them, they are the only person who gets your whole untouched heart. They get all the love you’ve saved up for this moment and they get to keep it forever. You may never speak again but you can guarantee that you can still picture his eyes looking into yours as he said those three words, the way he kissed you afterwards and couldn’t stop repeating those words over and over until you were both too tired to speak. However you’ll also always remember the last time he said those three words, and told you that he was going to come back for you, the way he made you believe that a happy ending did exist for both of you. Those memories will come back to you in waves, all the firsts and all the lasts, the good and the bad, but what’s important is the fact that your first love is just that, the first but not the last.”

— from me to you

“Now I know I’ve got a heart because it is breaking.”

—

L. Frank Baum

“He came into my life dressed up as everything I’ve been looking for and stupid me couldn’t resist. He found his way under my skin and into my bones. Now all I can do is pray that he won’t add any more wounds to my recovering heart.”

— I never learn - Jess Amelia