Hi Brain, You Obstinate Fucker. I Drank The Clear Splashy Stuff. I Ate The Green Things. I Went Under

Am I being sexually groomed? Checklist

Bold the items that happened to you, italicize if you’re unsure. This checklist covers sexual grooming only, it is usually done on top of regular grooming, for which you can find checklist here. You can be sexually groomed by your family and relatives, by your peers and people your own age, even if you’re both children. It can also be done by strangers. Trigger warning for mentions of sexual abuse. This checklist covers child grooming, but all other categories can apply to adults as well.

Illusion of pure intentions

This person goes far out of their way to not judge me and seems to approve of everything I do and think, making me feel very comfortable to tell them private things about me

This person got me to confide my sexual trauma in them, and they seem like someone who understands and wouldn’t use it against me

I initially felt this person migh have sexual intentions with me but they reassured me they only wanted to be friends/have a professional relationship with me

This person shows curiosity in my sexuality and my sexual thoughts and habits

This person often turns the conversation sexual, even when it wasn’t in the start

This person keeps finding a way to talk to me in private, even when it feels inappropriate

This person claims they only want to be intimate with me because of how much they love me

This person convinces me sexual conversations or sexual touch holds deep emotional meaning for them and they’re only asking for it out of care and desire for me

This person talks very passionately about sex-related concepts and ideas, it’s obvious from the way they talk they’re very excited about it and it would make them happy if I participated in it with them

This person equates me with a fantasy of the perfect sexual partner they want, and they want me to play the part for them

This person compares me to their ideal sexual partners in media (fictional characters, anime characters, book characters) and call me their names to convince me to play the part

My instincts are telling me this person’s behaviour is off, and the way they look at me makes me feel unsafe

 Exploitation of children’s inexperience

This person insists on me watching sexually themed media (lolicon-type anime, sexually themed movies or cartoons, soft or explicit pornography, fetish games, bdsm content, ddlg content, no matter how soft)

This person convinced me that children can consent to sex, and that it’s okay and acceptable to indulge them in it

This person seems to want to teach me about how sex works and touches me to demonstrate it

This person ensures me that them touching me sexually is okay because they’re only trying to teach me

This person doesn’t think child marriages, practices of sexual slavery of children or pedophilia are wrong, and convinces me that these are just misconceptions, where in other areas of the world this is acceptable and normal

This person loves pointing out to me how horribly and brutally other children are tortured and raped, compares it with how they treat me, expecting me to be grateful

This person comments and sexualizes my body, even when I’m underage

This person praises my maturity and claim they’re drawn to me for my intelligence

This person sees me as an equal adult, capable of indulging and consenting to sexual activities even when I’m underage

This person insists on watching me doing my private activities, like showering, changing clothes, masturbating, and says that it’s normal, or that I’m being unreasonable and withholding if I prefer privacy

This person convinces me that if I don’t want to be seen naked, or have sexual contact with them, it’s because I’m shy, or ashamed of my own body, and they encourage me to stop being like that

This person says it’s okay to touch me just because it’s them, it would be wrong for someone else to do it

This person made it seem like being sexually abused was something completely normal, something I wouldn’t even think to object or fight against

This person made naked/sexual images of me, or manipulate me into making them

This person started touching me sexually at very young age, I had no idea what was going on

This person made me say that I want to do sexual things, or to have sexual things done to them before they did it, so I feel like responsibility is completely on me

This person claimed sexual things we did were just a game and to not take it seriously, I don’t feel like I have the right to be traumatized since I didn’t feel hurt or resist at the moment it was happening

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

This person explained to me that all of my friends/peers are also doing the same kind of sexual things, and told me I would be the only “coward” who didn’t do it

This person convinced me that everyone else my age who had this done to them had good reactions and loved it, and I was stupid for not wanting to do it

This person had me used to the idea of people being sexually touched as a joke or a game, long before they started doing it, so I wasn’t able to figure out it’s abuse or defend myself 

Minimizing/denying the abuse

This person continually tries to convince me that acts that feel sexual to me are not sexual (they reduce the meaning of sexual touch to “massage” even if it involves sexual areas)

If I try resist the sexual touching, this person minimizes it and says it’s not a big deal, only playing/tickling/petting, even if they’re touching places I feel uncomfortable being touched, or my private areas

If I ever try to call out the sexual abuse, they insists it’s not “rape” or there wasn’t penetration so I have nothing to complain about

This person insists the sexual acts they’re doing to me can’t be abuse because they got me to say it “felt good” at some point and I’m not allowed to change my mind anymore

This person talks as if any victim of sexual abuse is only reacting badly, and abuse itself is just a game or not a big deal

This person equates sexual practices with love, and insists they only do it to me because they love me

Psychological manipulation

This person gives me a lot of approval, praise and adoration if I indulge in sexual behaviour with them, but if I reject it, they immediately turn to insulting or ignoring me, making me feel guilty

This person exposed me to a whole community of people who agree with their sexual ideas and practices, and I will be rejected from it if I try to express it’s wrong or that it makes me feel uncomfortable

This person makes me feel like I’m denying them something they have every right to, if I reject their sexual advances, they call me cruel and manipulative and make me feel awful

This person takes my refusal of sexual acts as “disrespect” and actual offense against them, they feel justified in punishing me for it

This person accuses me of not loving them if I refuse to give them sexual access to my body, or refuse anything sexual they want to do to me

This person will withhold care, attention, resources and support if I try to resist them and want privacy and to not be touched or exposed to sexual material anymore

This person told me in detail about sexual trauma they went thru, and they seem to want me to help them heal by taking control of my sexuality

This person confined their deepest traumas to me, and I feel obliged to give them anything to make life better for them

I feel if I refuse sexual contact with this person, I will become worthless in their eyes

Forceful destruction of privacy and sexual boundaries

This person insists on talking about sexual things, even if I’m embarrassed and uncomfortable

This person insists on continuing sexual conversations even after I let them know I’m not comfortable with it

This person gives me a feeling like they expect me to eventually become sexual with them and I’m not given much of a choice in that

This person uses slurs, degradation, and sex-based insults for anyone they disapprove of

This person starts touching me in non-sexual ways which I don’t resist, but they end up turning into sexual

This person talks to me about sexual practices in detail, and they keep encouraging me to try them, even when I’m obviously reluctant and uncomfortable about it

This person kept wearing me down no matter how many times I said no, until I would get too tired from fighting them and allow them to do what they wanted

This person convinces me to touch them non-sexually, only to push further and make it sexual without my consent

I don’t feel safe physically fighting this person off of me, and even when I try they keep insisting and convincing me to not resist them, and that they’re right in what they want to do to me and I’m being unreasonable

I rely on this person for care/caretaking/necessities but they will only interact with me if I keep indulging in their sexual conversation/contact/participate in watching sexual media

If I resist this person, their behaviour escalates into anger, neglect, hatred, insults, threats, blackmail or violence

If I resist this person, I fear they might get me fired, kicked out of my home or even imprisoned

Sabotage of support or escape

This person made sure I have nobody to tell about the abuse

I think if I told my friends/family about this, they would freak out and claim I’m being sexually abused

This person insists on keeping our sexual encounters secret from anyone else, they’re worried of what people might think if they find out, but they mask it as “our secret”

This person told me if I tell someone, or resist them, they would hurt me, or hurt themselves

This person convinced me that even if I told someone, nobody would believe me

I feel incredibly ashamed and guilty about things I’ve been manipulated to do to this person in the past, I can’t bear someone knowing or humiliating me for it

I feel guilty because some parts of sexual contact felt good for me and I initiated some, I feel like I am at fault for everything that’s happened

I’m scared I’ll be exposed as someone who willingly sought out sexual experiences and will be humiliated and abandoned by the society for it, if someone finds out

I’m scared of what this person might do to me if I tell someone

I’m scared I’ll lose my family/job/friends/safety if someone finds out

I don’t have anyone else I can rely on, so I have to give this person whatever they want of me

Whenever I gather courage to break it off, this person does something crazy or dangerous to stop me

I don’t feel that anyone else could ever want me, all I have is this person, even if they hurt me sometimes I can’t cut them off

I feel dirty and like “damaged goods”, I don’t think anyone will ever want me after what I allowed this person to do to me

I wish none of the sexual encounters ever happened and I feel intense self hatred for not fighting back more, for not resisting more

If you bolded and italicized 5 or more items on the list, you’ve been exposed to sexual grooming. Whoever did this to you had no right, it was wrong and you take no blame in it. Sexual grooming and sexual abuse will leave a heavy mark on your life, and regardless of how far the sexual abuse went, even if it didn’t get to explicit sexual acts, you have been harmed, your sexuality and perception of intimacy have been harmed. These are one of the most serious types of abuse. If you’ve been groomed in this way, it’s likely you’ve experienced other types of abuse and neglect as well, so whoever would, on top of all your suffering decide to abuse you sexually as well, is a monster.

I really don’t like how society demonizes crying. You’re seen as weak or manipulative if you shed any tears at all about anything. People look down upon you if you cry, or think you’re “faking for attention.” Even in the media, a character learning not to cry is considered good character development, and a character who does frequently cry is portrayed as weak or cowardly. 

The truth is, crying is one of the healthiest coping mechanisms humans have for stress. It’s been scientifically proven that the chemical composition of emotional tears (compared to basal and irritant tears) purges stress hormones from the body and produces a relaxing effect at a biological level. It’s also nonviolent (more than can be said for the more socially acceptable anger response). Humans evolved to cry for a reason. 

If one isn’t allowed to cry (if they would be shamed/abused for it), the stress hormones will build up and cause illness later on. They will have to force themselves to cry because their first instinct will be to repress the tears. They wouldn’t be able to cry in front of people anymore, either. 

Go ahead and cry if you need to, for whatever reason. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. 

“I want to love, but I don’t want to break again.”

Love (via nemoday)

I tend to forget that weight loss can be relaxed. I don’t need to bust my ass at the gym 5 days a week, I can go swimming or do yoga or a YouTube video, I can go for a walk or go bouldering with friends. I don’t need to eat perfectly clean, who cares about a tiny donut? I got so much time, I don’t need to lose 5kg in a month. Obsessing over being perfectly healthy ain’t particularily healthy. Gotta remind myself once in a while.

If you're ever bored, here's a list of Studio Ghibli films you can watch for free.

Castle In The Sky (1986) Grave of the Fireflies (1988) My Neighbor Totoro (1988) Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) Only Yesterday (1991) Porco Rosso (1992) Pom Poko (1994) Whisper of the Heart (1995) Princess Mononoke (1997) My Neighbors the Yamadas (1999) Spirited Away (2001) The Cat Returns (2002) Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) Tales from Earthsea (2006) Ponyo On A Cliff From The Sea (2008) The Secret World of Arrietty/The Borrower Arrietty (2010) From Up on Poppy Hill (2011)

If any of the links stop working, please let me know so I can fix it.

For Castle In The Sky, wait for the free user button to be clickable and it will send you to the video.

My depression, eating disorder, and addiction fighting over who gets to trigger me first:

I would like to get to know you. I would like to talk to you every day. I would like to know about your interests and hobbies. I would like to know everything about you. I would like to know you. I would like to be friends with you. I would like to be with you.

I would like // 12:26am (via heavenlythoughts)

I’m sick of flinching when people move. I’m sick of panic attacks in public because I thought I saw your face. I want to sleep but nightmares haunt my slumber and keep me awake. YOU may not have put your hands on me but there are people who have. You never touched me, you just scream and rave and threaten and starve me. I still remember hiding the bruises. Long sleeved shirts in summer and knowing stares. Head down, curl in, be small, make no noise. These habits have stayed with me.

Something people don’t understand about child abuse

One of the things that I really hate is that people don’t understand that survivors act differently and respond to their traumas in different ways.

I’m a survivor of csa and so is my friend. Her trauma made her extremely hypersexual while I could literally cry if someone even touched me.

My bf is a survivor of csa, I can talk for hours about my trauma if I felt safe enough while he NEVER brings it up.

A friend of mine is a survivor of emotional abuse and so am I. Her trauma made her angry while mine made me soft and defenseless.

My bf remembers every little detail about his trauma, while I repressed most of my childhood and traumas.

There’s no special “criteria” that you should fill in order to be a “valid” survivor, and there’s no specific way you should act if you were abused.

People respond to their traumas differently and it’s okay, your abuse is STILL valid no matter how you respond to it.