"It Was A Long Time Ago. It Doesn't Matter Anymore, And Yet I Cannot Let It Go. I Cannot Let It Ago."

i keep telling myself and others that i never thought i would make it to 18 and its true in a way but i never thought i would be the reason behind it. the future remains illogical to me, like unscrewing a laptop and attempting to dissect the complicated mechanics when i'm no expert and do not even know the linguistic term of someone who specializes in laptops. i am not even a beginner, i was chosen in a random lottery by a greater force that i vaguely and barely believe in (i probably don't) and i had to be here as a creature, a specimen riddled with anxiety and pressure and stomach aches that come and go before the mental breakdowns. i can't even imagine what lies ahead of me and i'm too scared to. i wish i wasn't this old i wish i could just curl into my mothers arms and kiss her cheek and let her caress my face as the afternoon light shines but fails to interrupt my well deserved nap. i wish i could just love the four people i was aware the existence of and not explore the crevices of my social life and remain clean of all emotional ties that cause further pain because i'm sure heartbreak would ruin me. i wish to remain in a jelly form, floating away into the unknown ocean that i am terrified of but cannot help having a bit of curiosity for. i wish i wish i wish. i wish i didn't have to turn 18 as it serves as an unfair reminder for the ill preparation i have planned for my next steps, i wish i could make my parents proud.

I wish I knew forever would end so soon

I wish I never kissed you in my living room

You wonder how I'm doing, well, here's a clue

I wish I never met you

i just want. i just want something that fills me up so my heart isnt empty anymore

and i wish to be angelic and for plants and flowers to grow in the path i walk and not because i am holy but because i am so beautiful they cannot resist

but i also wish to drink all of the water on this world and rub the dirt onto my body until i become part of it and the plants and flowers become part of me and the water flows from the pores of my body and we all become lost in the complete tranquillity and lunacy of it all and my mind drowns in the middle and i no longer exist as a form of anything but a planet in the vast universe of vaster universes and the milky way swallows me up as we wander together

A.F. Vandevorst installation for Arnhem Mode Biennale 2011

“A girl sleeping in a hospital bed in her A.F. Vandevorst dress. But here, the girl as well as the mattress and pillow are made out of candle wax. Once lit, what starts as a perfect image will slowly melt and perish during the biennale.”

They joys of being a normie passing gay is that you can hear the conversations the straight people are having in your life absolutely uncensored. I feel like KGB spy strolling around in the US during the Red Scare

I'm afraid that I will never commit suicide and will suffer for the rest of my days.

oh and i hurt. i hurt everyday and every i ever said to you feels like a lie and a part of me dies because i feel like a fool for being vulnerable. i wish i never opened myself up and showed you how the blood in my body flowed