Love How This One Turned Out 🌖✨

I was just thinking how interesting it is that, as someone who’s very likely demi, I didn’t find Astarion attractive at all at first.

But once I started getting to know him, I thought - well, he’s actually kind of cute.

And now I look at him and wonder: where were my eyes before? It’s as if the gods made him just to ruin me.

He’d be so confused.

Sharess’ Caress: Trying to Feel Whole

(10/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

When we first arrived at Sharess’ Caress during my initial playthrough, I simply said no, and we moved on. But later, I saw others mention something Astarion says during the encounter with the twins - and I realized I needed to see it to understand him better.

I tried returning to Sharess' Caress from the old save file, where we haven't finished his personal quest yet. But the dialogue didn't go the way I saw it discussed, so after researching, I realized that the interactions are different, depending on when you come to the place - before defeating Cazador or after.

But in the end, I couldn't make myself go with it, not with my Tav, Roanael, so in the end I just watched a recording on YouTube (//v;)

If it happens before Cazador, Astarion gently but firmly declines the offer to spend a night with Tav and the drow twins. And it is wonderful to see him feeling safe enough to draw this line and protect his boundaries.

If you say you wouldn’t make him do it, he says, “Don’t be so nice to me! It makes me want to be nice back…” - it is framed like another joke, but he looks touched and sad at the same time.

If you decide to go alone, he shows some disapproval and concern - "Enjoy yourself, of course, but I dearly hope you aren't only having sex because we haven't in a while."

I feel he is trying to hide how much it actually bothers him that he might not be enough, that he can't give you want you want... and that you want it so much you can't wait for him, you still need it here and now, no matter who would be your partner.

Interestingly, this doesn’t even lower his approval (unlike, say, Gale’s) - maybe because Astarion doesn’t feel he has a right to disapprove. But that doesn’t make it any less painful.

What surprised me is that if you go there after defeating Cazador and finishing Astarion’s ark, he agrees, saying now that he is free, he is ready to try doing this again. Astarion tries to sound enthusiastic. He even reassures Tav that if he doesn’t like something, he will run away. But his laugh sounds almost hysterical.

If Tav goes with this alone, Astarion comments: “You have a type, don't you? Elven prostitutes? Again? It's rather embarrassing, dear.”

And while Tav and Astarion are spending time with the drow twins, he says all sorts of things like they are dealing with a professional, and he is being very attentive to everyone, but Tav notices that it’s all instinctual, and he is far away at the moment, clearly dissociating.

This place and situation trigger a lot of traumatic memories. And it also shows that even after we defeated Cazador and Astarion overcame his fear and decided to start a new life - he is still healing, it’s not like he magically recovered in a moment.

This whole episode in the brothel with Astarion is very difficult to see (I'd say it's horrible to do to him, if he didn't agree to this himself when he didn't have to) - but it also shows how deep his wounds are. Even after Cazador is gone, his shadow is still there: even if there is no one forcing him now, he does it to himself, cornering himself into the same patterns without realizing it.

Tragically, once Astarion agrees, the game doesn't allow Tav to change their mind, even if it's clear how distressed he is. But as they proceed, Tav can't help but notice just how skilful and gorgeous Astarion is in bed. He notices their eyes on him and asks why they are looking at him like this, and there is an option to reply, “Just making sure you’re okay.” And Astarion’s reaction is: “I wish to drink… And to be drunk.”

Honestly... it sounds a bit out of place, but it makes it even worse. Because it is not sensual. It is not said of intoxication by pleasure. It's numbness. Falling apart into the same state of performance as those thousands of times when he laid down on his back before.

But the way Astarion tries to push through is not a weakness - it shows how deeply he wants to feel whole again, even if he doesn’t yet know what that looks like. He’s trying to prove to Tav, but even more to himself: I’m free now. I can do this. I’m normal.

And it hurts because he shouldn’t have to.

Because healing is slow, messy, with ups and downs - and that’s perfectly fine.

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I already dread the moment my hyperfixation runs out and I start loving Astarion a normal amount.

Ugh 😑

I’m so happy about that little stool Astarion has in his tent :3

Btw Shadowheart also has one!

Yan Wushi:

*looking at Shen Qiao with sparkling puppy eyes*

you can call me A-Yan

Shen Qiao:

...I came to save that heartless jerk,

not this delicate devoted creature,

life haven’t prepared me for this

A cozy night at the camp 😌

Best quidditch team (๑>◡<๑) 💕

I’ve just started but… Is it me or is he kind of a jerk? 🤔

Not what I expected!

The guy just keeps talking about how amazing he is 🙄

UPD: ok, he became better after he opened up about his dream, but still not my cup of tea

Oh yes, silly me - I completely forgot to explore all the options there 🙈 Thank you for this addition! I do love their banter. And humor almost plays role of another love language between them sometimes.

He does approve if you say “Is that all you want? Shallow praise?” as well.

I agree that joking around like that shows that Tav treats him like everybody else, normally, like a friend. And that’s what matters.

I did notice a slight change in his expression today when mentioning sleep, somewhere else but I can’t remember where exactly. And that’s also what I thought - that he is not so fond of going to sleep and seeing dreams that might turn into nightmares.

Reflecting in Their Eyes

(5/? part of “Astarion: In Search of True Self” — [masterpost here])

The episode where Astarion is looking in the mirror, quietly questioning his appearance, is one of my absolute favorites.

Since he is a vampire, we know he doesn’t cast a reflection. So at first glance, it seems a little bit pointless… unless! He was trying to make Tav notice, to draw them into a conversation without saying it directly (and it worked!) - isn't it just a sweet way to set up a difficult conversation without being too obvious about it, but at the same time not hiding it too hard? One might say it is another manipulation, but I rather like such a subtle approach. On the other hand, you can see in the camp that Astarion always has a mirror in his tent, so maybe I’m wrong in my assumption.

When Tav asks if he misses seeing his face, Astarion reluctantly, with a snarky comment, admits he does and confesses that he hasn’t seen his reflection since the night he was turned. He doesn’t even remember much about how he looked before.

In my story, I chose an option where Tav takes a moment to quietly study him. When he asked, “What?” she simply said, “I can be your mirror. What do you want to see?” And Astarion answered with something I didn’t expect him to say out loud, yet somehow knew was coming:

“I want to know what the world sees when looks at me. What you see.”

(There’s a more intense version too, where Tav simply says “I see you.” And in that moment, he’s stretched taut like a string - waiting, terrified, hopeful.)

He is quiet at first, but breaks into a smile, realizing what they are doing, when Tav starts describing him - those strong, piercing eyes, they say. And when they get to that “dangerous smile,” he interrupts with a grin:

“Just say I’m beautiful and we can call it a day.”

It may seem like he is back to his usual flirty sass, but I believe he was just incredibly relieved and even flustered to hear that they don’t see him, a vampire spawn, as a monster, but still find him attractive and beautiful. So the shield is up again, back to the safer tone, when the moment is over and he has confirmed what he wanted to know - not to push Tav away, but falling back into familiar habits because opening up like that is so much.

Watch his body language: he turns away, putting some distance between them, as if to regulate the emotions stirred by the moment. He seems overwhelmed, uncertain what face he should make right now, but he is still listening, still thinking. People often look into the distance like that when they’re remembering something - like he does, still processing Tav's words.

But the important thing is: those words weren’t just about his physical appearance, but also his personality or, rather, his presence, because “strong piercing eyes” and “dangerous smile” speak more about the inner qualities rather than outer beauty.

And when Tav does say - “You are beautiful” - Astarion is clearly lifted and cheered, especially compared to the beginning of their conversation. I just love this episode, it is so sweet and touching!

For someone who carefully cultivates control over his appearance, who hides his uncertainty beneath vanity, it is a big deal to open up like that and admit he is actually unsure about his looks. And to someone he is starting to trust. And it’s not just about his looks. When he asks how Tav sees him, it’s also a quiet test: he realizes he is developing feelings for them (well, at least for me, this episode was right before his confession), and he finds a way to find out if his feelings might be returned. It’s a subtle way of asking, “Is it possible for you to see me behind this appearance?”

This is the first moment he let his guard down to show something fragile underneath. To see how they react when he is not playing the role. He showed us small glimpses before, but this is the first time Astarion lowered his defenses that low. And when Tav doesn't recoil, mock or dismiss him but stays warm and sincere, it reassures him that he is safe and seen with them. And he dares to tell them the truth - about his feelings and his "simple plan".

This moment is one of the most breathtaking parts of their journey together that yet again connects to our next realization - I want to talk about it in the next post.

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After learning about that quote on Astarion's shirt in EA, I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I had to try to put it into words somehow:

"Could I kiss you?" you ask, still feeling that bashful flutter in your stomach. But he hums, visibly pleased with the idea.

"How could I say no?"

You smile, struggling to hold a wide grin that threatens to make you look like a fool in love. Which you helplessly are, no doubt.

You lean in, and your lips brush in a soft kiss - familiar, gentle. But when your hand settles on his shoulder, your fingers pause.

“What’s this?” you murmur, fingertips tracing an uneven spot in the fabric you haven’t noticed before.

"Oh, that." He barely glances over, already knowing what you mean. "It’s nothing... just something I made, a long time ago."

He takes a small step back, looking away, his eyes distant again. You wait, daring not to pull him back just yet. You let him decide. And he does, letting out a sigh and looking back with the same vulnerability that turns your heart inside out.

"It was something I made as a reminder, back when there wasn’t much to hold onto. When I was at... his place."

That piercing gaze is full of honesty and careful trust.

"It sounds important. What is it about?.."

You take a small step closer, tilting your head to get a better look, but you wait for permission. He hesitates for a moment but spreads the folds of the shirt, revealing a neat, eloquent line of words embroidered under the waves of ruffles, close to the heart.

"It says - lamentable is the autumn picker content with plums."

You reach out to touch the letters, and he remains still, watching you with the familiar intensity you didn't know you needed in your life. The silence is comfortable. You turn the words in your mind, catching the meaning.

You picture him bent over this shirt, needle in hand, stitching that one stubborn hope into the fabric he kept mending for too many times. Something no one could take. A reminder that even then, he was longing for more.

"I was a plum picker back then," he continues as his fingers softly tuck a lock of your hair behind your ear, taking their time, hovering over your skin, his eyes pensive. "Forced to live on bruised fruits and scraps. I had to remember there was more. There had to be more, even if I didn't know how it looked."

You turn your head, leaning into his touch, and look into his eyes.

“What about now?” you whisper.

He meets your gaze quietly, talking a moment to think, as if he’s still learning the answer himself.

“Now... I think I do.”