How To Smile

the idealized version of my tomorrow self will fix this

romeo

"i don't even like her anymore" i say

"i'm completely, 100% over her"

but

sometimes

when i let myself glance at her

i understand how romeo felt

shouting at that balcony

One day I will stop falling in love with you. Until I do, I'll be thinking of you.

k.b. // laufey, philharmonia orchestra - let you break my heart again

therapy

it was so easy to blame my parents

for not getting me help

for not noticing that i needed it

i blamed them so i did not have to blame myself

for not advocating

for being scared

for disregarding all the advice i give to other people

but now they noticed

and im still scared

and what i've thought i needed for so long

maybe won't work after all

cold

i am shivering

but i do not think that there is anywhere else

i would rather be

than right here right now

playing cards with my best friend

lovable

i always thought i was the luckiest person in the world

to have found the friends that i did

i never stopped to consider

that maybe i was capable of being loved

there are flowers on my bedside table

that she got me when i didnt get the job

a text telling me to drink water

and another asking how i'm feeling

after a nonverbal episode

walking laps around the school

to talk about whatever we want

and she hugs me at the end

a million i miss yous

and i love yous

good nights

good mornings

164 games of 8 ball on gamepigeon

and a lifetime of memories

maybe i am just lucky

but maybe they love me

because i love them

“We often want it so badly that we ruin it before it begins. Overthinking. Fantasizing. Imagining. Expecting. Worrying. Doubting. Just let it naturally evolve”

— Unknown

easy

its nice to love someone

but not be in love with them

it was hard when i liked her

every text, every emoji

carefully plotted to mean something

but now it's easy

we text for fun

i tell her she's pretty

she calls me babe

but there's no deeper yearning

no longing for a connection that isnt purely platonic

i used to like her

but now i like loving her

no strings attached