One Minute In Your Arms Can Make Me Forget All My Doubts.

I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time

Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together

I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not

I’m still proud of myself

One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

And we figured that it would never work, at least not the way we wanted it to. We knew that whatever our love could bring us there would be something that would break both of our hearts at once. But we were never certain what it’ll be.

Time, it was the time that destroyed our little bubble we built and happily lived in.

Now we know.

I kinda hate you

I hate that it’s always me who starts the conversation, it’s always my part to show interest and then you just follow up later. I hate that I have to text you first every time and only then you’ll remember that you wanted to talk to me. I hate that it seems like everyone knows you better than me. I hate that you don’t remember what we talked about even though we both had the best of our times. I hate that your friends don’t get along with mine. I hate that my parents always ask about you and then I realize there is nothing I can tell them about that really matters. I hate that I can’t stop looking at you. I hate that you cant even smile at me when your friends are around. I hate that we only connect when we’re drunk. I hate that I can almost remember every single word you said to me since we met. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate that I dream of you every single night. I hate that you’re the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hate that my heart starts beating faster whenever I think of you. I hate that I can’t stop smiling for a week when you are nice to me for once. I hate that you are nice to me sometimes. I hate that you can’t make up your mind. I hate that I don’t get it. I hate that I recognize your voice through hundreds of people speaking. I hate that my favorite color reminds me of you. I hate that your smell will forever be stuck in my mind. I hate that you drive extra safely whenever I’m on the back of your motor circle. I hate that you hurt me over and over again by flirting with other people. I hate that I can’t live a day without the thought of you. I hate that I get rosy cheeks whenever someone mentions your name. I hate that I can’t control my fingers shaking when I type a message into our chat. I hate the way I feel about you. I hate that I’m in love with you. And I hate that there is no sign that you love me too.

Silence.

5 weeks of total silence. Nothing but our friends telling me that you don’t want to see me, telling me about how you turned right around, the second you heard I’d come too and went back home.

I felt stupid. Uncomfortable, since you brought me there first and now I’m the one keeping you away from this place that was once ours.

Sad, angry, desperate for explanation. Why are you acting as if I was the one who messed up. I did nothing but show you love. Making you laugh in moments of sadness, sharing moments of true happiness, bringing you comfort after a busy day at work.

And damn did I try hard.

And damn did it hurt to fall back into reality, losing hold on cloud nine. Free fall. Hitting rock bottom.

Broken, but still looking after you from afar. Now watching her settle on the cloud that was ours, her making you smile.

I’m crying down here watching you two fly high, reaching cloud nine. But as long as I can see your smile, I’ll stay on the cold ground.

Ready to catch you, the moment you might fall.

I wish I were Heather

I wish I were Heather. That’s not her name but now everyone knows what I mean since Conan Gray explained it to us.

I wish I were her. Not only because she is one of the prettiest human beings I’ve ever seen and not because she is just as nice as an angel and vibes positivity, but because someone told me how you are feeling about her.

“He’s in love with her.” I guess that sentence will reverberate in my mind for quite some time. I still remember feeling the sadness crawling up my throat and stopping me from breathing. Gasping as the pain slowly sunk into my bones. That’s where it’s still sitting right now.

I wish I were her. Not only because she is closer to your age and she has already been friends with the people you hang out with before they even knew me and not because she lives closer to town so you somehow always end up at hers whenever you don’t have a ride home, but because I feel you drifting away from me while you seem to be getting closer to her.

I know you love me. Your brother basically tried to tattoo that onto my forehead because he knows how much I doubt it sometimes and how easy it is for me to put myself down. But I don’t think you know it.

What you know is that your sisters love me. The little one begging the older one to convince you to marry me one day and the older one telling me, smiling and nodding her head, that she can see it as well and she is praying that you won’t fuck it up. You know that.

You know that your brother loves me. Not as much as your ex, but “super fucking close” as he always says. I get it, he’s best friends with her so I totally get it. And I am thankful for your brother because he is the mental support I need whenever I feel stuck with our situation. He’ll tell me you love me, he’ll tell me your family loves me and he’ll tell me that he loves me most. Because he likes the you that you are when I’m around and he thanks me for making you happy again after such a dark time in your life.

And as much as they tell me that you love me I still wish I were her. Because as much as I loved seeing how happy you are with me, the more it breaks my heart to see how your eyes sparkle around her.

I loved building you up and I loved how you helped me to build up myself again, but I guess it’s her turn now. She gets what I built.

That’s why I wish I were her.

...

...

And to add something that fits with Conan Grays song a little bit more: I once took your sweater when you gave me your keys to go get the wine and when I came back and you saw me in your sweater, you said I looked like the smallest bean you’ve ever seen and threw me over your shoulder. We laughed. We were happy...You never gave her your sweater, the one you left me was cotton, not polyester. I still wish I were Heather.

My brain is stupid I guess but at least my best friend isn’t

“I don’t love him, but that’s not the problem. The problem is that deep down I know that I could love him, but my body just tells me not to. I know that I would love every little feature of him. His stupid jokes, his deep questions he always sends me right after work, his way of telling me that he likes me, the way he wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my chest like he would like to melt into me, his tickle attacks whenever he notices that my mind is zoned out again, his texts in the middle of the night whenever he’s out with friends asking me whether I’m still awake because he misses my voice and would like to call me but doesn’t want to wake me up, his hand running up and down my spine just out of reflex as soon as I’m next to him, the way he smiles at me when he sees me smiling already and so much more. Oh god believe me I know I could love him with all my heart. What’s wrong with me for not loving him?”

“Give it some time. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like that before, maybe what you experience is love, real love I mean. Maybe you are just so overwhelmed that your first instinct is to build up a wall, but deep down you know you could love him. Maybe you need to let that wall down to see that you’ve loved him all this time already.”

“But what if not? What if this time I’m the heartbreaker?”

“At least you would know that you’ve tried.”

“I don’t want to know that I’ve tried, I want it to work.”

“Then make it work.”

I’ll never stop

Cried on my way to work today

Screaming empowering songs in the car but not feeling them

Yesterday was one of the harder days

I lost you...again

And no matter how many times we’ve already been through this, the pain never lessened

24 hours, from “Hey we should be spending more time together” to “We should end things here, I can’t do this no more”

World? Crushed

Heart? Broken

Again and again and again

Loving you ruins me

But

I

Just

Can’t

Stop

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Your love hurts

I don’t know what it is about you

That makes you sabotage it every single time

Ripping craters into earth

Opening gates to what might be called hell

Standing on the edge, balanced

Grabbing my hand

Jumping

Clamped together

I never wanted to fall

Life on the edge was great

But again and again

You need us to hurt

So here we are

Falling

and falling

and falling

and falling

~ honestlywhatfor ~

I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house

Hoping it’s you,

Knowing it’s not.

I’m still learning to get over you,

Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Making it count

Last week I was at a classmates funeral. Everything about it seemed wrong. She just turned 18 three weeks ago, therefore being way too young to leave this world and as I stood at her open grave, looking down at the bright wooden coffin her dainty body was in, imagining her just sleeping inside, I felt like I’m living my life the wrong way.

In that moment everything seemed so important to me. Because standing there, watching her older sister break down in tears, filled my heart with so much fear of not only dying but losing people I love before I had the chance to tell them everything I wanted them to know and spending as much time together as possible.

In that moment I wanted to call both my parents and tell them I loved them.

I wanted to wrap my arms around every single one of my friends and thank them for the best memories ever.

I wanted to tell my favourite teachers how much they inspired me and helped to create a new version, a better one, of me throughout the past years.

I wanted to make sure my brother knew that he has always been my favourite person on this planet no matter how hard we had fought in the past.

I wanted to show up at this particular boy’s door and just kiss him and thank him for slowly putting back all the pieces of my broken heart another one had left me alone with.

I wanted to be fearless. To be brave enough to just do whatever I felt like. To stop caring about what others might think of me and do whatever my heart desired.

I wanted to make every single minute of my life count, because I realized how fast everything might fall apart.

RIP Leo,

forever loved.