There Are Many Things That Make Me Sad, But Nothing Will Ever Beat The Bad Ways You Treated Me.

I realized that I don’t miss you

I don’t miss you

I miss the way we were when we were together

I miss being held

I miss being loved

I miss having a “us”

But not us in particular

Because we were wrong in so many ways

So no, I don’t miss you

I just miss having a you

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Missing Home

And again

I am surprised

about how much

a person

can feel like home

even though

they once

made coming home

the worst part about your day

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Finding beauty

I love the dark, but still

I’m the happiest when I feel the sun kissing my skin

I love warm weather, but still

there’s nothing compared to sitting on a sledge and rushing down a hill

I love my home, but still

breathing fresh air and hearing the birds chirping is what keeps me alive

I love being happy on my own, but still

I don’t want to go on this journey of happiness alone,

I want to share it with you

Life is full of “but still”s and there’s nothing wrong with that

As long as you can see the beauty in every single one of them

You couldn’t give me the love I deserved

You hurt me really bad without regretting a single one of your moves

But I’ve learned that that’s okay

You broke me and had fun with it

I’ve grown from it, you’re still stuck

I won

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Hot as Fire - Cool as Ice

They are so different, yet I‘ve loved them both. One irascible like a wildfire, the other as calm as falling snowflakes. With one I felt like I could conquer the world, nothing would stop us and still I’ve fallen for a man with whom we would build up a peaceful new world ourselves. Arguments or silence, angry tears or sad ones? “I love you”, they both said but were showing it completely different. Soothing and sweet or loud yet effective? Rebellious or settled? Fire or Ice? Ice or Fire? I don’t see it.

They are so different, yet I’ve loved them both. But one I can say: neither of them loved me right.

It’s about you

I miss you since the last time we spoke. I wish I could bury my head into your hoodie and get one of these hugs I’ve been missing so dearly. I wish I could see your smile, knowing that I’m the person who made you laugh...

There’s so much that I’m wishing for in the moment, but I just want you to know that every single wish that appears in my head is

only

about

you

I wish I would’ve said it

It was cold out, everyone was drunk. I fell asleep on your shoulder, you let me. I wrapped my arms around your left one to keep myself from falling, you let me. They left and went to his house. We stayed. You woke me up, let’s go to the fireplace, you said. And we went, my arms still around you. Half the city watched the burning flames, celebrating nobody knows what. Warm colored reflections on your skin, flames in your eyes, smile on your face. I loved watching you like that. You turned your head to me, said something, blushed and looked away again. I wish I would still remember what you said. My eyes got heavy and I put my head on your shoulder again, you let me. You kept me from falling, always keeping an eye on me. You held on tighter to me as everyone started singing, still celebrating nobody knows what. I loved watching your lips move as you silently sang with em. You laid you head on top of mine, perfect height, you said and we both chuckled. Exactly one head taller, they said and watched us with sparks in their eyes. I loved being there with you. I told you about my thoughts on your friends and you nodded and told me about what you thought about mine. Us two being the only connection between the groups. I loved being the person you let inside your head for a second. I loved being by your side. I loved being me in these exact moments, because that meant having you right next to me. I loved your little laughs. I loved your kisses on the head. I loved your arms around me. I loved watching the flames slowly dancing with you. I loved everything about that night. But it ended, and I for sure didn’t love that. I wanted to tell you everything I loved about this night and how much I didn’t want it to end. And still, to this day, I wish I would’ve said it.

Full Moon

Seeing you again was

different than I had anticipated it

It was

Alright

For my soul somehow found peace in the pain that you had left me with

Learning and growing in the process of it

Phases

I’m a full moon now

I like your stars around

But I don’t need you to light up my night

I am the moon

In full beauty

Shining through the darkness

By myself

Like it was always meant to be

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

My brain is stupid I guess but at least my best friend isn’t

“I don’t love him, but that’s not the problem. The problem is that deep down I know that I could love him, but my body just tells me not to. I know that I would love every little feature of him. His stupid jokes, his deep questions he always sends me right after work, his way of telling me that he likes me, the way he wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my chest like he would like to melt into me, his tickle attacks whenever he notices that my mind is zoned out again, his texts in the middle of the night whenever he’s out with friends asking me whether I’m still awake because he misses my voice and would like to call me but doesn’t want to wake me up, his hand running up and down my spine just out of reflex as soon as I’m next to him, the way he smiles at me when he sees me smiling already and so much more. Oh god believe me I know I could love him with all my heart. What’s wrong with me for not loving him?”

“Give it some time. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like that before, maybe what you experience is love, real love I mean. Maybe you are just so overwhelmed that your first instinct is to build up a wall, but deep down you know you could love him. Maybe you need to let that wall down to see that you’ve loved him all this time already.”

“But what if not? What if this time I’m the heartbreaker?”

“At least you would know that you’ve tried.”

“I don’t want to know that I’ve tried, I want it to work.”

“Then make it work.”

Your love hurts

I don’t know what it is about you

That makes you sabotage it every single time

Ripping craters into earth

Opening gates to what might be called hell

Standing on the edge, balanced

Grabbing my hand

Jumping

Clamped together

I never wanted to fall

Life on the edge was great

But again and again

You need us to hurt

So here we are

Falling

and falling

and falling

and falling

~ honestlywhatfor ~