Hot As Fire - Cool As Ice

Finding beauty

I love the dark, but still

I’m the happiest when I feel the sun kissing my skin

I love warm weather, but still

there’s nothing compared to sitting on a sledge and rushing down a hill

I love my home, but still

breathing fresh air and hearing the birds chirping is what keeps me alive

I love being happy on my own, but still

I don’t want to go on this journey of happiness alone,

I want to share it with you

Life is full of “but still”s and there’s nothing wrong with that

As long as you can see the beauty in every single one of them

And we figured that it would never work, at least not the way we wanted it to. We knew that whatever our love could bring us there would be something that would break both of our hearts at once. But we were never certain what it’ll be.

Time, it was the time that destroyed our little bubble we built and happily lived in.

Now we know.

Missing Home

And again

I am surprised

about how much

a person

can feel like home

even though

they once

made coming home

the worst part about your day

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Addicted

I don’t know how we reached the point that your apartment feels like home

Your bed sheets smell like me

There are shirts specifically chosen for me to put on at night when I’m coming over

Your fridge stores my favorite foods

Your shower gel is the one I once left there

I’m laying in your bed right now,

You’re at work already, your alarm always wakes me up first, but I rarely stay awake until you’re out the door

I feel at home here

You’re my home

But we don’t even consider each other dating

We’re just us

Complicated

But nevertheless addicted

I wish I were Heather

I wish I were Heather. That’s not her name but now everyone knows what I mean since Conan Gray explained it to us.

I wish I were her. Not only because she is one of the prettiest human beings I’ve ever seen and not because she is just as nice as an angel and vibes positivity, but because someone told me how you are feeling about her.

“He’s in love with her.” I guess that sentence will reverberate in my mind for quite some time. I still remember feeling the sadness crawling up my throat and stopping me from breathing. Gasping as the pain slowly sunk into my bones. That’s where it’s still sitting right now.

I wish I were her. Not only because she is closer to your age and she has already been friends with the people you hang out with before they even knew me and not because she lives closer to town so you somehow always end up at hers whenever you don’t have a ride home, but because I feel you drifting away from me while you seem to be getting closer to her.

I know you love me. Your brother basically tried to tattoo that onto my forehead because he knows how much I doubt it sometimes and how easy it is for me to put myself down. But I don’t think you know it.

What you know is that your sisters love me. The little one begging the older one to convince you to marry me one day and the older one telling me, smiling and nodding her head, that she can see it as well and she is praying that you won’t fuck it up. You know that.

You know that your brother loves me. Not as much as your ex, but “super fucking close” as he always says. I get it, he’s best friends with her so I totally get it. And I am thankful for your brother because he is the mental support I need whenever I feel stuck with our situation. He’ll tell me you love me, he’ll tell me your family loves me and he’ll tell me that he loves me most. Because he likes the you that you are when I’m around and he thanks me for making you happy again after such a dark time in your life.

And as much as they tell me that you love me I still wish I were her. Because as much as I loved seeing how happy you are with me, the more it breaks my heart to see how your eyes sparkle around her.

I loved building you up and I loved how you helped me to build up myself again, but I guess it’s her turn now. She gets what I built.

That’s why I wish I were her.

...

...

And to add something that fits with Conan Grays song a little bit more: I once took your sweater when you gave me your keys to go get the wine and when I came back and you saw me in your sweater, you said I looked like the smallest bean you’ve ever seen and threw me over your shoulder. We laughed. We were happy...You never gave her your sweater, the one you left me was cotton, not polyester. I still wish I were Heather.

Why am I like this

Sometimes I open tumblr because I feel like writing. And then I sit and stare at the blank canvas that longs to be filled by my thoughts but I just...can’t. I can’t. And it makes me angry. I want to write something, I need to write something, but trying to pin down the words that are constantly circling around my head makes me realize that I don’t have a f*vking clue.

I don’t know

Anything

I’m lost in my own mind and the longer I stare at the letters in front of me the harder it gets to come back up and breathe fresh air.

I don’t know

Anything

At all

And I can’t help but hate the words that make it onto the pages because they are not what I want them to be and they make me believe things that aren’t there and

Damn

I really don’t know

Anything

At all

Or at least that’s what this post makes me believe.

And maybe you’ll never quite understand what you did to me

And maybe I’ll have to live with that

And maybe...just maybe,

That will be okay

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

“Your mental health should be a priority”

About loving you

Yes

I feel stranded

on a lonely island in the middle of nowhere

nothing but the tide

that keeps me alive

day after day

wave after wave

Yes

I feel lost

in space where darkness is everything

stars flying by gifting me wishes

that may never come true

knowing my only wish

will forever be you

Yes

I feel overlooked

in the middle of a field, branches twelve feet high

beetles crawling side by side

fearing getting crushed by them

missing the safety

of your arms around me

Yes

I feel love

wherever I am, no matter the time

it’s stroking my side

there’s no place to hide

it’s my true love for you

I just wish that you knew

Yes

I really do

~honestlywhatfor

Last Thursday

„I‘m lonely, you know.“ I slowly sank back into the grass and looked up into the sky, filled with stars shining down at us. - „I don’t see the problem, honey. Just go up to him and tell him how you feel. To be honest I‘ve experienced that I’ve never really noticed someone in that way until they came up to me and I realized that they’d be a perfect match.” - “But you’re different, people wanna be noticed by you.” - “Honey, you’re worth so much more than you think. I swear this guy over there is the luckiest man alive, and the only problem is-“ - “The only problem is that he doesn’t know yet.”