When I Finally Managed To Force My Pre-transition Self To Attend A Trans Meeting At My Local Queer Center,

Coming out to my conservative family next year on my 1-year HRT anniversary. I’m poised to lose a lot on that day. Here’s to hoping my “Glinda” side of gets on the broom too…

While I’m still a bit bummed that they didn’t go with a more book-aligned POC Fiyero for the Wicked movie, I’ve been thinking (heheh) about how his being white highlights the really interesting foil relationship between him and Glinda (and, in many ways, the audience yourself).

At its core, Wicked is a cautionary tale about propaganda, (literal) scapegoating, and what it means to uphold the status quo. The audience is watching through Glinda’s eyes—it is through her, arguably the most beautifully tragic character of the show, that we learn how lonely life becomes when you forfeit your values in favor of systemic power and likability (“No One Mourns the Wicked” is, in many ways, about HER).

Now, this is where Fiyero’s whiteness can get interesting—if you consider him and Glinda to share roughly equal footing at the beginning in terms of privilege/how much they have to lose (applying our real-world lens of race and power here, where whiteness is the apex), his storyline essentially represents what could have happened if Glinda had made the brave (and arguably wise and loving, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down 👀) choice to go with Elphaba and fight the good fight (this is also why I feel like a queer reading of G&E’s relationship is almost implicit to the story, but I digress).

As the POC/marginalized allegory, Elphaba has much less of a real choice in her curtain-pulled-back turning point. But Fiyero and Glinda—both representing privilege—get to choose. So in Act II, we see the consequences of both the choice to stay (Glinda) and to go (Fiyero). In Fiyero’s case, his ultimate rejection of his own power, privilege, and even beauty leads to immense physical loss—including his own body—but that is then compared to the loss of love, community, and identity that we see Glinda left with by the end. And this brings us to the question that the audience is left grappling with: in an unjust system where loss is inevitable (a.k.a. our own world, as the Wizard himself represents), which of these things are YOU more willing to give up?

It’s important that Glinda is an empathetic character because, in reality, most people are going to be Glindas (obvi this is nuanced among us Elphabas of marginalized identities, but I’d still argue that there’s some level of Glinda in us all)—and it’s important to be rattled by the end of the show when you realize that she is the one who has the sad ending. But it’s also so important that Fiyero is empathetic (which I’m SO glad this movie leaned into)—because he’s ultimately who Glinda—and thus we, as the audience—should have been.

And especially given the state of US politics right now…this is just all more relevant than ever.

Aw crap I done goofed, time to start over with a flood/blacking out the solar system! 💀

As someone who has never been very beguiled by fiction that explore/criticize religion through the perspective that God either never existed or is evil/selfish/uncaring I really truly appreciate and love that The Locked Tomb went with the, to me, much more complex, intriguing and existentially terrifying idea that God is just some dude. A dude that has more power than anyone else in the universe yes. But still just some dude. Who does not really have answers or a great plan, and the plans he does have are just... plans. Maybe good, maybe great, maybe less than good, maybe bad, but entirely human in their conception.

And in the ways God is portrayed as a father he is not an abusive and/or neglectful one in the violent, domineering, authoritative or indifferent way. He's a dissapointing, absent father in the way that he's there but doesn't quite know what to do with you. He cares and he feels for you but he does nothing to help. He pats you on the head and says you've been through a lot and then goes back to drinking his tea.

And you can argue that he's trying his best and that he loves you but neither of it is good enough, actually a lot of it is deeply flawed and all the worries and anxieties that was comforted by putting your faith in him now comes rushing over you tenfold as you realise he is not omnipotent or all-knowing or has endless love and it's not certain at all that he is more qualified to do this than you are.

He is just some dude.

Some dude named John.

Gimme gimme gimme! If I’m not a hag in my old age I will have failed in life!

A lotta transfeminine resources tend to neglect that estrogen will give you the more stigmatised parts of having a female body as well as the cool stuff. Like. I have cellulite on my thighs. Stretch marks everywhere. Its so cool and pretty and neglecting to mention this to transgender women simply shows how stigmatised they are.

Its also worth noting that your body will be imperfect the way all women's bodies are. You'll never fit the patriarchal ideal. It took me YEARS to love my breasts in all their wonkiness and stretchmark-ness, and then I once mentioned to a cis friend I used to feel self-conscious about them and she said "All women do at some point"

Like my point is we are women, and we have the same expectations of unachievable perfection placed upon us. But learning to love your body and your womanhood with its imperfections, its cellulite its stretch marks etc. Is very good.

Now say “you were born in the wrong body” to a disabled or neurodivergent person. Congrats! Sounds hurtful and reductive doesn’t it?

it wasn’t until someone said to my face “oh so you were born in the wrong body?” that i realised how weird of a thing to say that was. like, no?? sure I’d make changes but it’s still MY body

YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS 🤘

Spent all morning distracted by what an amazing needle drop moment it would be at the end of a Gideon the Ninth adaptation if the outro was War Pigs by Black Sabbath.

Hear me out

The instrumental intro of that song is pretty long. What if we slow it down a tad. Make it a tiny bit moodier. Jod does his whole monologue about not being able to save Gideon, about the need for Lyctors like Harrow. Then the song starts in its normal speed/sound.

“Then rise, Harrowhark the First.”

🎶 Generals gathered in their masses

Just like witches at black masses

Evil minds that plot destruction

Sorcerer of death's construction 🎶

The both look out the window at a fleet of imperial ships massing at the edge of the system.

🎶 In the fields, the bodies burning

As the war machine keeps turning🎶

The scene fades to the bloody and abandoned mess of Canaan house, to the skeletons scattered everywhere, rubble from the building, the bloody spikes of the railing. It transitions to the house coffins in some hanger on the ship.

🎶 Death and hatred to mankind

Poisoning their brainwashed minds

Oh lord, yeah!🎶

Screen goes black, credits start the rest of the song plays on.

Oh hey two obscure things I relate to!

is this anything

My comrades and I got threatened by a pack of neo-nazis at a benefits show we were hosting for our new local Food-not-Bombs chapter in SC last night.

Nobody got hurt and the show was a huge success after we got them to fuck off, but it really put things into perspective for me regarding my transitioning body and physical wellness/performance. I work a physically demanding warehouse job, but the workload is just inconsistent enough where unfortunately I’m not getting much out of it unless we’re super busy. Currently I’m just a wiry bundle of sticks with A-cups and mediocre upper-body strength (on a good day 😅).

I think it’s high-time I properly break the glass on my Vi/Gideon Nav/Scorpia/Zarya transition goals. Gonna look up how to min-max my vegetarian diet and find a queer-friendly workout center in my area.

I suppose a hefty DIY belt chain would do me some good too…. 😈 Stay safe out there y’all. It’s only gonna get worse before it gets better.

so like this will be rambly but oh well.

i’ve only been on hormones for almost 2 years and i have some Things to Say.

Transfems you need to eat and you should workout in general but especially strength training. You’re going through puberty so you need a ton of fuel, also the fat redistribution that will give you feminine features comes from incoming fat, don’t expect your existing fat to just migrate on its own.

as for working out, it will make you feel better i promise. It also is important to focus on functional fitness so when youre old you can squat to pick things up with ease, or farmer-carry the heavy groceries, or help lift friends off the ground when theyre injured. Working out is your way to say “fuck you world, i’m trans and i will survive and even when i’m old i won’t go down easy”

I know the dolls are underrepresented in fitness spaces, so it can be intimidating, but fitness is for everyone and you may able to be positive exposure to trans people for those who otherwise might not see people like us day to day, and that makes them think of you as part of their community.

I also want to point out that I worked out before transitioning, i wasnt super strong or anything but i lost nearly all of my upper body strength after my T dropped, I STILL cannot reach some of my old PRs for certain movements. I’m not trying to paint women and AFAB people as inherently weak (there were tons of cis women way stronger than me even when i wasnt on E), but when your body shifts from relying on testosterone to estrogen you lose a ton of energy and a ton of strength. Working on building and maintaining strength is nothing but beneficial in every facet of your life.

(this may be a good time to point out if youre scared of being bulky and muscly: dont be. its very difficult to get that physique and you have to be actively working or planning for it 24/7)

All this to say that I’ve seen so many scrawny transfems wondering why they dont see many physical effects from their transition while they under eat and dont train. Fuel, Fat, and Muscle will give you the results, the hormones are just blueprints to tell your body what to do with those things (among other things).

Another thing for the American transfems, with the next minimum 4 years looking very bleak: a strong doll can fight back.

I deserve to take up space. I am worth being a part of my friends’ lives. Advocating for myself is not selfishness.

"No one remembered my birthday-" Well, but did YOU tell anyone it was coming up and you wanted to celebrate it with them?

"I wish someone would see through it when I tell people I'm fine-" Well, but have YOU considered not lying when people ask you how you're doing?

"I am so resentful of my friend because they keep doing this thing that really bothers me-" Well, but have YOU directly communicated that the thing is bothering you?

"I am burning out because my friend keeps expecting me to help them with serious struggles-" Well, but have YOU tried to establish the boundaries you need to feel okay?

"No one ever asks me about this thing I really care about-" Well, but have YOU brought it up yourself?

"I miss my friend but they haven't texted me-" Well, but have YOU been reaching out to them?

Sometimes people are mean, uncaring assholes, in which case you get to be mad. But sometimes you just need to communicate better. Try communication before you assume someone doesn't care!

Transition goals 😈

“It's one of patriarchy's perfect self-perpetuating cycles: the demonisation of older women ensures we do not wish to identify with or learn from them, so cannot gain any knowledge to prepare us for our own experience of ageing. Instead we turn away from our future selves.”

- Hags, Victoria Smith