— V, From “excerpt From A Book I Will Never Write” (via Letsbelonelytogetherr)

Of course I'll be fine

I'm good on my own

An appartement that's all mine

Decorating however I want, as whimsical as I please

No screaming at 3 am

And I'm safe. The mess is mine. But so is the tidiness. I don't have to leave. This is mine. I'll protect it, and anyone that needs a small haven is welcome. Hot chocolate and cookies will always be here waiting. Such as a couch and a blanket. I can let people stay. No one to ask for permission to be kind and soft and to host a dinner.

A work that I am so excited about. In a region I already love. Discovering myself again. Reinventing myself and getting a third shot at life.

I couldn't be more excited.

But leaving... leaving everything is fine.

But him.

Yet I can't hold on. He isn't mine. And I am not settling. If I can have his friendship. And that's all. I'll always be grateful for that. For it shows me what I want. Even if I am forever looking for him. At least I know what I search for. If my heart is breaking, watching him live his life. That's alright. For I get to witness it. And perhaps, help the happiness along a little.

I know I am fine on my own. Yet I can't imagine being without him. Even now, without having actually had him entertwined in my life.

How do I leave a love so strong. Without giving it a chance. This gift the universe gave me, and I have no choice but to throw it away. How will I stand alone, when I know his quiet strength as it is behind me.

I know how to leave everything and everyone

But him

every time i ask people if they do any new years resolutions its all ooooo i dont like making them bc i fail or ohhhhh no i couldnt keep up wiht that and then when they ask me and i tell them about Pasta Quest (i am eating as many different pasta shapes as possible in the space of a year) or when i did Fruit Adventures (every time i saw a fruit i had never eaten before id get one and eat it and read the wikipedia article about it) theyre like hang on i forgot you can make Fun Ones i want a fun one

Song, Allen Ginsberg

Just a short video of my card weaving in progress

I'm not ready for a relationship. I need this time alone.

But I long for letters. For discussions about books. Museum visits and afternoons spent in bookshops

For cups of tea and hot chocolate while curled up watching the rain.

For silence, and stillness and holding in front of a fire. The fire wood that we chopped.

Learning and building together.

I want someone capable. Someone calm and strong. Someone caring and kind.

I long for someone that can quiet my mind.

Someone that can keep up with me. That challenges me. That can hold space for me.

I long for someone that will love me for all the wildness of my soul.

Someone not scared by all I have to give.

With him I won't need to be small and tame

Excuse me while I get covered in paint

Pigeon wings under a UV light

Why did you open that door

I'm not in love with him

Why can't I stop thinking.

About him, about what could've been, about what we have

I'm not in love with him. We were at 14. But not now.

Until we admitted that we both sometimes winder about what could've been. Whay could've been had we met later in life. What could have been were he not in a relationship now.

Those thoughts were pushed far away, every time. Now they are here. The lingering moments. The split second we hold on closer when we hug.

I broke his heart at 15. We weren't in good places and needed to grow and heal. We couldn't do that together. It took him four and a half years to get over. To stop wishing it were different. And still, he was there for me when we started talking again.

He was the one I texted when I woke up in the hospital. He was the one cheering me on when I made the smallest steps in my recovery. He made me realise what I was missing, in both my last relationships.

Even when I had no intention of being with him.

And now...

I don't know if we would work out. If we would be happy. Yes, it would be easy to fall into. We've known eachother so long. But there are so many conversations we never had. We didn't cross that line. We still haven't.

And we won't.

Because he is in a relationship. And he says he is happy and building a future with her.

If he's truly happy, then I am happy for him

The last thing i want to do is hurt him

And I'm not walking into heartbreak eyes wide open.

Besides, the relationship we do have is so dear to me. I love him as a person.

But I'm not in love with him. And at that I shall lay it to rest

So, dear hypothetical parallel world, take good care of us. He may always be my "what if"

I found a guide for a no tape, easy to unwrap wrapping tutorial to make Christmas a little more accessible, wish I just found it sooner

Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941), poem 85 from “The Gardener”, 1914 Translated by the author from the original Bengali. New York: The Macmillan Company.