God I Love Being Part Of The Internet’s Most Monetarily Worthless User Base. I Love Going To Bed Knowing

now that we’re here and it’s 4am here’s some paintings that make me go absolutely bonkers

In The Kitchen by Helena Janecic, Untitled by Daniel Gerhartz, Compassion by Daniel Gergartz, L’abandon (Les deux amies) by Henri de Tolouse-Lautrec

if i don’t periodically remind myself that there are a LOT of other ppl in their 20s who currently do nothing at all but lie in bed and type on various different screens all day then i start having heart palpitations 

anwya Crazy Louise Glück poem of the day:

Robert Kushner - The Queen in Her Boudoir, 2019

studying and anxiety

a guide on how to study when the thought of it makes you even more stressed

(disclaimer: i’m not a professional therapist or doctor, simply a student who has been dealing with severe anxiety since i was eleven years old. that being said, i don’t have much anxiety around schoolwork or testing, so my advice may not be the most helpful- take what i say with a grain of salt.)

while it has been a long time since i’ve felt anxious about studying, and therefore can’t provide much help with that, i do regularly have to study in situations where i am already anxious or in the middle of anxiety attack. these are some of the things i do to help myself calm down and focus.

calm down. if i’m near panic or feel too restless to sit still, i need to let my body and mind chill before i can even think about schoolwork. if i’m feeling really jittery, a quick walk outside or dancing it out to some high-energy pop music helps me settle down a bit. then i like to meditate, in order to get my focus and thoughts under control.

next, make the space you’ll be studying in comfortable and safe. what this means will depend on what you need during an anxiety attack. some people are comforted by familiar items and coziness, such as blankets, candles, and stuffed animals. when i’m stressed, i usually need a more clean and organized space, with everything put away in its place (or just out of sight) and only the things i need with me. things like tea, fidget toys, and familiar smells can help to ground you as well. if you’re not at home, libraries tend to be a good option, since they are quiet, relaxing, and often familiar spaces. if you’re stuck in school and the library isn’t an option, try an empty classroom or stairwell.

break everything down. when i’m stressed, my executive functioning goes haywire. in order to get anything done, i have to plan out my moves in very explicit detail. this is easiest for me to do on a computer document. first, i write down all of the assignments that i have to get done. then, i break each of them down into smaller and smaller tasks, until they are simple enough that each takes less than a minute and could be easily explained to a child. 

get to work! i usually start with the easiest task, so that i don’t get overwhelmed or start to doubt my abilities, since that would make me more stressed. for me, this is usually math, since puzzles with definite rules tend to calm me down when i’m anxious, and i’m more likely to get stuck on less structured work like english readings or art projects.

don’t forget to take breaks. especially if your brain is dealing with an excess of nerves, and stress, you will need to let it rest and recharge frequently. i like to set a timer where i work for twelve minutes, take a three minute break, and then repeat. if this feels too long or too short for you, feel free to adjust it to fit your needs.

most importantly, go to sleep. i know it’s tempting to stay up late studying or doing homework, especially if you haven’t finished all of your assignments yet, but there is nothing that will make your anxiety worse than sleep deprivation. take care of your body, first and foremost. it’s the only one you’re ever going to have.

Perhaps she was the one who said,       Turn around.

— Portrait of a Lady on Fire, 2019

illicit affairs and clandestine meetings.

:)

every second you grow as a person. every event can make you stronger. every mistake can make you wiser. every path can change you for the better. don’t lose hope, and don’t stop improving yourself

tw

How do you cope with seasonal depression

i moved to california

but before that: 

therapy and medication management (always good ideas). 

lots of socks/hoodies/blankets + anything to maximize coziness and improve sensory wellbeing. seriously, buy a super soft blanket.

asmr videos

special attention to sleep schedule to maximize daylight. 

spent time researching tropical places/playing theoretical beach vacations. digital tropical wallpaper, followed photo-heavy blogs featuring things like travel, flowers, sun, etc, anything to change my mental landscape

cultivated soothing rituals. this can be anything (e.g. lots of people like tea). i personally loved taking long hot showers

big one: kept my room clean and inviting. when the outdoors becomes uncomfortable, it’s extra important to make your indoor environment as welcoming as possible.

made a list of favorite shows/movies/comics/books/etc, stuff i’d seen a dozen times before. when worse came to worse, forced myself to choose something to watch/read. really helped distract me through the bad patches.

force-fed self mellow-but-upbeat soundtracks. the music we listen to has a big effect

found exercises i could do easily indoors for 5-15 min at a time (it turns a few minutes of push-ups here and there are way more doable for me than say, jogging or getting to the gym). also a good way to keep my toes warm during winter.

feel free to add!

a uni survival guide: tips from a phd

if there's one thing i know about, it's college. i've done it, i've taught it, i've lived and breathed it. these tips are for first years in particular, but honestly for everybody. i think it's so important for people to have balanced lives in these years -- academics are not everything. you know what didn't help me in the real world when i was afraid i wouldn't live through it? my fancy college note-taking format. you know what did help me? the friends i made there who i knew would get on a plane and fly across the country in a matter of hours if i told them i needed them.

academic

- figure out where class is held ahead of time: don't be that kid who's late on day one, i beg of you

- use the writing center: especially for basic grammatical editing, which a lot of professors don't have time to mark on papers

- speak up in class: talking through ideas helps you work through them, and asking questions about something you don't understand can open up great lines of conversation

- find a regular schedule that works for you and stick to it: my college schedule was morning free time, class, lunch, class, practice, homework. that consistency was a life-saver

- keep a planner: it's so important to have a central place to track deadlines, assignments, and engagements

- annotate your reading: when you're stressing about a paper topic, being able to go back to what you've highlighted and written in the margins is a life-saver

- color-code your coursework: i use the same color highlighter, pen, and notebook for any given class. it's super helpful

- if you can't focus while studying with friends, don't: i reserved group studying for days when i didn't have important work because i can't be in a room with other people without talking to them. if your school has one, the quiet floor of the library is your best friend

- treat yourself to a "fun" class: art was always my place to just sit back and chill, a way to end the night all zen in the darkroom instead of conjugating russian verbs in a fluorescent-lit cinderblock prison. for you, it could be gym, it could be pottery, it could be some random course about, like, the history of cooking or something -- explore!

- profs are people too: don't be too nervous around them. also, know that if you're struggling -- even b/c of something in your personal life -- you can admit it, and they'll almost always understand why you missed a deadline or bombed a test

- go to office hours: it's the only way to get to know professors in big courses, and it's so helpful for both your grades and learning how to navigate relationships with authority figures

social

- don't let academia keep you from your friends: it's a case-by-case basis, but sometimes it's okay to let the reading slide and spend time with friends. i graduated seven years ago and my college group text still talks every day. that's so much more important to me than the fact that i never finished brideshead revisited

- joining a club is one of the best ways to make friends: i played ultimate frisbee through college and it was the source of so many lasting relationships, as well as the way i met all my local friends when i was abroad

- say yes to things you don't know if you'll like: you'll surprise yourself. me? turns out i love drinking games. and theme parties. and skinny dipping. and rock climbing

- don't be that person who looks down on their peers for partying: honestly? that person kind of sucks. you don't have to party if you don't want to, but actually, a lot of those people are super nice and also good at school -- don't just write them off!

- show up for your friends: go to their games, their concerts, their art shows, their standup nights. show them that what matters to them matters to you, too

- set aside a night to do a group activity with others: whether your vibe is wednesday night trivia, a weekly "terrible movie" showing, or a get-high-and-watch-nature-documentaries-type thing, these are great ways to liven up the week and de-stress

- this is a great time to figure out who from high school really matters to you: you don't have to force relationships that were built mostly on convenience if there are friends at uni with whom you click more. people you became friends with purely based on the coincidence of where your parents lived do not have to be your forever friends. they can be! but they don't have to be

personal

- don't expect too much of yourself: a 4.0 is not the end-all, be-all. if your family or somebody tells you it is, tell them to call me, and i will personally talk some sense into them

- take advantage of university support services: mental health counseling, free yoga classes, multi-cultural societies, etc

- drink water: please, please don't get kidney stones in the middle of the semester, says the girl who got kidney stones in the middle of the semester

- let yourself take breaks: if you need to lie to a professor and say you're sick when really you're just feeling down and you need to sit in bed and watch a movie, that's totally valid

- don't freak about individual assignments: my students come to me freaking over a B+ and i tell them, honey, no job interviewer is ever going to ask you about your second paper from communications 101. i wish i'd known that

- go see speakers if there's someone interesting coming to campus: these talks are always cooler than you expect. i'll never get over the fact that i didn't go see anita hill when she came to my undergrad

- do your laundry on the same night every week: i can't explain why this is so helpful but it really is

- keep up on the news and the memes: read the school paper, the school blog, the memes page -- college politics and inside jokes are fun and convoluted and fascinating

- set the groundwork for long-term self-care: all of the above is really just to say -- university isn't just for learning about the french revolution, it's also about learning how to balance, how to handle failure, how to ask for help, how to make a salad that doesn't totally suck, etc