Reaching The Point Of Hyperfixation Where I Can No Longer Engage With It Due To The Nausea That I Experience

Taken by mechrojaxson on twitter. WWWYF day 1 10/19/24

my fatal flaw is that if i don't want to do something i just won't do it like mama raised a quitter for sure.. i'll be doing something and suddenly be like damn what if i just didn't 🤔. very freeing but also i suffer so many consequences

Rewatching SPN is such a journey tbh.

Like Cas falls for Dean Winchester in season 4. And the writer told us we were wrong and the internet said we were wrong hell the actors said we were wrong. Being a teenager and trying to understand your own identity and watching a show you love bash its brains in. It’s watching Cas rebel against his own family, his own morals; against heaven, hell, God for one man and realizing that’s what love is. Love is brutal and broken and not perfect syrupy sweet. It’s work but not to me not if it’s you.

They made a love story without trying and mocked us to tell us we were wrong. What is love if not standing in the face of cruelty? Did they mean for it to be that meta? Love is accepting the worst parts of something and loving it anyways. The show is bad and terrible and I’ll love it until my dying breath.

Dean dies without ever saying I love you back. A man doomed to a narrative he never wanted. He wanted love and family. He died before his family and his love is ripped away. A show doomed to its worst parts of itself.

Anyways I start season 6 today :))

when i grow up i want to be frank iero

i know this isn't new information but dean literally sat on the floor of the dungeon and ignored a call from his brother while the world was ending in order to sob with his head in his hands because his world had already ended and i'm supposed to be normal about it???? i'm supposed to just go on with my life???? when dean couldn't???? it's been two and a half years and i still can't breathe right when i think about it.

Don’t think about the fact that’s it’s implied stiles has his mother’s eyes. That every time he looks himself in the mirror he sees her eyes looking back at him. That when he looks at himself with deep hatred he sees his mother calling him a monster. He sees her eyes as she tries to kill him. Somedays that’s all he can see. So he avoids looking at himself in the mirror.

Don’t think about seeing void with his mother eyes, eyes that once again hold violence.

Don’t think about stiles holding head in hands. Thinking that the only thing his body has left of his mother is his eyes. That maybe if he gets rid of them, then his father would be able to look at him again.

Slowly digging his nails through the skin above his eyes. Thinking about gouging his eyes out and giving them to his dad. But not being able to do it but using the action to ground himself. Repeating it again and again and again over the years. Leaving scars just above his eyes to give him something else to look at. Something else to see that isn’t his mother’s hatred looking back at him.

Don’t think about his father falling into alcoholism. Tiny 8 year old stiles thinking that his father is grieving, and so he drinks that night. And the night after that and the next. And the drinking isn’t stopping but instead becoming more frequent. Don’t think about stiles holding onto hope that his father might tuck him into bed instead of reaching for the bottle. Stiles picking up whiskeys from the floor with the same colour of his eyes. Don’t think about the moment stiles realizes that his father is trying to drown himself in hopes of reaching Claudia at the bottom. The moment when he has to come to terms with the fact that he might lose both of his parents.

Here's what sticks in my craw: why ON EARTH does fanon imagine that Cas has 'self-esteem issues' and experiences his love for Dean as a wet, miserable kind of yearning? What is it about any part of anything that happens on Supernatural makes anyone think that Cas, a cosmic, Eldritch being, a warrior of god, who literally hung the stars and has existed for a bazillion years, is reduced to teenage angst by Dean's pussy?

Like, when Cas says "the one thing I want I know I can't have" why do y'all think it's a piece of Dean's ass? Why does ANYONE think Cas doesn't know Dean loves him? Dean has shown Cas he loves him with literally everything he has again and again and again. Even the way Dean feels like Cas can absorb his anger is Dean showing Cas love and trust. Cas and Dean have chosen each other, forgiven each other, and been the only reliable thing in each others' lives over, and over and over again. Cas fucking knows that Dean loves him. Cas can literally hear Dean's thoughts, and feel his yearning. Cas was only saying the quiet part out loud when he said he loved Dean, because it was already obvious! If there was anyone feeling wet and lovesick, it would be DEAN, if he ever had a break in the battle to fucking feel things, which he did not.

Like, hear me out: what if the one thing Cas knows he can't have is the one thing he knows he signed over to the empty? His happiness, and by extension, Dean's, because he knows Dean loves him? What if Cas is saying: I know I can't have this thing I want for myself: to be the one to MAKE YOU HAPPY, but I can save you, and maybe Cas's belief in Dean is such that he still hopes and believes Dean will find a way to make himself happy if he lives.

After Cas's death, Dean is trying to live for him. Trying to be what Cas believed he was. It's what CANONICALLY gives Dean the strength to defeat Chuck by not killing him! And, after Dean's death, he CANONICALLY goes in search of happy endings. Like... THAT IS EXPLICITLY STATED.

I AM HAVING AN ALL CAPS MOMENT, SO SUE ME.

Guys, Cas is not a wet, yearning baby who needs Dean to say or do ANYTHING to validate his love. HE KNOWS. He is a being of unimaginable age and power. He is not beleaguered by self-esteem issues, or the need to tongue-wrestle Dean. Like, he might WANT TO, but he CANONICALLY does not need to in order to experience a happiness so complete that it puts paid to his deal. His happiness is THAT NOW DEAN ALSO KNOWS, and he can tell Dean why, and show him who he is in the mirror of that love.

Also, he is not dead, he is just on another plane of existence, and neither is Dean. Cas is a profoundly unselfish badass. He is not fucking PINING. He made a play, the best one he had. He is a strategist, and he knows Dean BY HEART.

i don’t think we talk about the way frank utilizes costume, and specifically uniforms, enough. white pants and shirts with sharpied ø’s, the death spells striped sweaters, white standard low wage “salaryman” looks with black ties, the boiler suits, the scrubs, the hospital gown. that frank has always emphasized that he liked “bands that look like a band,” that he stated the jumpsuits were a kind of mindset, that they wore them to understand themselves as technicians, that they would go to work and work on their craft, it was a type of dedication to their artistry. that frank tends to lean towards blue collar workers, towards the unglamorous reality of everyday healthcare workers, towards the unglamorous reality of being one of their patients. that when frank wears white, there’s nothing to hide. all the dirt, all the filth, all the sweat, all the blood, his vulnerability will always be visible, apparent. i think there’s something so important there in his solo work, not only with the content of his music, but that he spent so long dressed in black, dressed in red, in colors that absorb all the filth because they needed to be bulletproof. but that frank chose white as a common thread amongst his solo work, that he would force us to confront all of it there on that canvas, all the blood in joyriding, all the confetti and cake and glitter in great party, all the filth from on stage, all the sweat and dedication, that in a way he made himself a canvas for all that passion and all the scuffs along the way.

when it’s really bad again and it’s still way better than it used to be but it’s still really bad. and you do all the right stuff and you try and try and it still really hurts but it’s working but it still hurts and you go see the beautiful majesty of nature and your soul is so close to being at peace but your mind is still in pain. and it’s better but it’s still bad. and the sun is setting.