I Think It's An Unrecognized Practice To Allow Yourself To Outgrow And Shed Versions Of Yourself That

Lemony Snicket's Calendar of Unfortunate Events

Jan 12: Birthday of Jacques Snicket, as well as that of his sister.

Feb 26: Jacques Snicket “taken” and initiated into V.F.D.

Mar 18: Jacques Snicket, given his first assignment, disguises himself accordingly.

Mar 31: Alleged date the alleged Baudelaire mansion allegedly burned down.

Apr 8: Isadora Quagmire’s whereabouts unknown.

Apr 17: Jacques Snicket disguise discovered. Alternate disguise employed.

May 13: Nine cows arrested by the authorities under the suspicion of involvement with V.F.D. Jacques Snicket, disguised as the tenth cow, escapes on a stolen tractor.

Jun 26: Jacques Snicket arrives in Paltryville to continue Baudelaire investigation.

Jul 6: Jacques Snicket reports his findings to The Daily Punctilio.

Jul 7: The Daily Punctilio does not publish Jacques Snicket’s report.

Aug 9: V.F.D. declares Jacques Snicket “either missing or on vacation.”

Sep 23: Summer is dead and Jacques Snicket does not return. V.F.D. changes his status to “missing.”

Oct 10: The remaining Snicket siblings open their investigation into Jacques Snicket’s disappearance.

Nov 7: Jacques Snicket reported murdered.

Dec 2: Jacques Snicket reported ill.

Jan 4: Director and screenwriter Gustav Sebald reported missing.

Jan 10: Gustav Sebald found murdered.

Jan 27: V.F.D. declares remaining Snicket siblings “either missing or on vacation.” Very few vacations are scheduled in January.

A Series of Unfortunate Events is a Passover Story

So I’ll be honest, I’m not the best Jew to be writing this post. I first saw Fiddler on the Roof at age 19, and the first words out of my mouth were, “Wow! This is really Jewish!” (Meanwhile, my mom was commenting on the Yiddish anachronisms of this play about Russian Jews, because she’s a good Jew who actually Knows Jewish Things) But I hadn’t really heard or seen much about just how incredibly Jewish A Series of Unfortunate Events is, which is a shame because Lemony Snicket/Daniel Handler is himself Jewish. So Jewish, in fact, that he helped write the New American Haggadah (including a part about how, just as there are Four [types of] Children who ought to be accommodated during Passover, there are Four Parents who really ought to be ignored.) But seeing as I can’t find anyone better to write about all the cool Jewish culture and symbolism in A Series of Unfortunate Events, I’ll take over until someone else comes along and does a better job.

Spoiler warning, of course. There’s a lot of deep lore that gains new meaning when looked at through a Jewish lens, including the symbolism behind horseradish and the sugar bowl.

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we need more books that are written like YA novels but have characters in their 20s… like I can’t keep reading books about teenagers but I’m also not ready for the weird adult romance section of the book store

Pasta is great. It’s like hey, let me take delicious things like butter,or meat, or tomatoes or basil and then let me just fuckin mix whatever the fuck i want in and combine it with some random ass noodles.  That’s basically pasta.  BUT, there’s a big difference between “basically pasta” and “holy shit food of the gods” pasta, and that is that the latter has some rules that must be followed.  10 PASTA COMMANDMENTS COMIN UP:

Always boil pasta in boiling SALTED water. Ever had a dish where you forgot to salt it before cooking it, and no matter how much seasoning you did post saute/sear, it still sort of tasted bland on the inside? Same goes for pasta. Your sauce could be fuckin on point, but if you don’t salt dat pasta water, ya fugged, bruh. 

Always have your sauce ready BEFORE the pasta. Pestos, emulsified butter sauces, bolognese sauces, they should be in their respective sauce pans, heated and ready to go (unless we’re takin pesto or carbonarashit, as those go bad with heat). The worst thing you could do is fuck up and overcook your delicious pasta bc you were too busy making or finishing up your sauce. 

Always TASTE your pasta. I don’t care if the package says it’s ready in 1 minute or an hour, taste your pasta from the boiling water at least 2 minutes in, and every 2 minutes after that. Al dente’s usually the way to go, but you’ll never know when to take it out if you’re not constantly tasting. 

DO NOT strain your pasta, wasting your pasta water and allowing your pasta to cool. Use tongs to take pasta straight up form the boiling water (don’t dry it, nerds) and throw it in your sauce. A little pasta water gets in? no probs, and I’ll tell you why. 

If your sauce is reducing too much, or it’s too tight, add pasta water. It’s salted and hot and ready to go, it won’t dilute the flavor at all, you’re golden duude. golden. 

Finish your pasta in the sauce, allow it to become homogenous, let the sauce stick to the pasta, BECOME ONE WITH THE PASTA BRUH. 

Add cheese last, because cheese get’s weird and fucked up in hot pans, so it’s best to throw that on right before you’re ready to eat that shit up. 

4 oz is a normal serving size for pasta. If you don’t have a scale, that’s basically like the first pic above. If you hold the pasta like such, and the width of the bunch is a little smaller than an american quarter, then ur good 2 go bruh. 

Dry pastas are not better/worse than fresh pasta. They’re legit just made with different flours using different procedures. One isn’t ‘fancier’ than the other u pretentious buttrockets. 

PASTA IS NOT SCARY, IT’S DELICIOUS. These rules look tough, but honestly it’s not that bad bruh. I believe in u. 

and now, onto the recipe I used for my pasta. It’s a restaurant favorite, we always make it on the line because it’s simple, delicious and super filling. 

~

Caciopepe Pasta serves: 1 (lol like id share this with ppl lolol) -

Ingredients-

salt water for boiling (just salt some water, don’t fuckin travel to the beach in hopes of created the most bomb pasta ever)

1 bunch of pasta

2 bay leaves

1 sprig thyme

cold butter (approximately 2/3 cups cut into small pads

parmesan cheese to taste

a shit ton of black pepper to taste

-

Procedure-

Throw some pasta into some boiling water and do that thing where you constantly taste test the pasta to see if it’s ready. In the meantime, make ur sauce u lazy bumbum.

Add a little boiling pasta water to a saute pan over low heat, and whisk/mix in the butter quickly till it’s creamy and emulsified. If it’s too thick, just whisk in a teeny bit of pasta water. Add 2 bay leaves and a sprig of thyme for aroma, remove when pasta’s ready. 

Once the pasta’s ready to rock and roll, use tongs to scoop it up and place it in the sauce. Flip and mix using tongs. Add cheese and crack a lot of pepper. Add salt if it needs seasoning, add more pasta water if the sauce tightens.

and bam, ya ready to roll. 

~ I promise u if you use these pasta techniques, people will think ur literally a GOD. ur welcs. 

Basic Story Structure

Basic story structure looks like this:

Setup/Exposition - we meet the protagonist in their every day life, possibly meet a few other important characters, and learn important basics about the setting. We also learn about the protagonist’s internal conflict.

Rising Action - The inciting incident turns the character’s life upside down, the character responds by forming a goal. The protagonist pursues this goal while the antagonist/antagonistic force throws obstacles into their path, which they must overcome. Sometimes they succeed, sometimes they fail and have to try again or find a way around it. This struggle builds the conflict and increases the tension as the story races toward the climax.

Climax - this is the “big showdown,” where the protagonist faces the antagonist/antagonistic force head-on, and usually (but not always) succeeds.

Falling Action - this is the aftermath of the big showdown, where the dust settles and all the final pieces come to rest. Most of the story’s loose ends will be tied up here if they weren’t tied up already.

Resolution/Denouement - this is where the story is wrapped up once and for all. We see the protagonist (and other characters) settled back in their old life or getting used to a new normal. If there is a moral to the story, it is revealed here. If the story is leading into a second book, a little bit of set-up for the new story will occur here.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

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I need people to stop blaming the death of movies on “quips”. A quip is just a funny line of dialogue. That’s all. Like I just saw a post talking about quips and the death of movies and brought up Pirates of the Caribbean as an example of a better movie and yes it is but also that movie is FULL OF QUIPS. I just rewatched The Princess Bride. It’s all quips. Every single line. And it’s a masterpiece.

Movies suck when people don’t care about the art they’re making. That includes them not caring about their quips. Which is why a lot of comic relief dialogue ALSO sucks now. But the problem isn’t that funny dialogue exists.

Spain, 1492: We are banning all Jews from Castile and Aragon

Sultan Beyzid II: Let me get this straight, you're banning a large population of your empires financiers, lawyers, and doctors? You dumb motherfuckers give them to me. I'm sending the navy to pick them up.

Oh yes, that period piece about a gay couple with an age-gap living near the water

The sugar bowl page from Austere Academy brightened up to the best of my ability and transcribed below:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that volunteers prefer their tea as bitter as wormwood and sharp as a two-edged sword, but few think to consider the true meaning behind that phrase. The [untrained or uninitiated] might assume that bitter tea means tea without sugar. But that assumes all sugar is sweet and all tea is bitter. In fact, there are many kinds of tea, that are not bitter at all, but sweet and fruity, usually identifiable by a whimsically [illegable] name and a box with a picture of an adorable animal wearing pajamas. So it stands to reason that, if not all tea is bitter, then not all sugar is sweet. The question we might ask is: why would sugar be bitter How would bitter sugar be created? And what greater purpose might bitter sugar serve? Lousy Lane, pg 678

THE SCHISM

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those hierarchies apart, and therefore instead of fixing one date for the schism, we may as well put a bracket around all of human history, and say: There! Are you happy? However, there is one thing that all sources seem to agree on: there is a vital connection between the VFD schism and the most import part of a tea set. No, not the teapot. (see “Sugar Bowl”, above)

Some people claim that the schism divided VFD cleanly in two, with one side devoted to starting fires, and the other devoted to putting them out. But of course, it is rare for anything to divide so neatly, with the exception of a particular sort of semi-soft cheese (see “Gorgonzola”, pg 401). No, it is far more likely

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remain shrouded in mystery, including the circumstances of its creation, we can only speculate at the connection between city’s official organization and its similarly-named counterpart. Some sources claim that the chief of the Offical Fire Department was a close blood relation of a prominent member of VFD, though this fire chief has stubbornly refused to answer to any of our questions, on account of being deceased.

Finally, there is much debate regarding the exact cause of the schism. While most experts agree that it stemmed from what one might politely call “philosophical differences” the truth is that these differences had been churning under the surface of VFD for some time, even going back to the organization’s very name. After all, while might assume that the phrase “fire department” would obviously refer to an organization that puts out fires, thus protecting highly flammable literary materials, the phrase could just as easily refer to an organization that prefers to start fires and burn books (see: Bradbury, Ray pg 451). Still, let’s take a moment to theorize about those philosophical differences. Volunteers claim to be acting for the greater good, but philosophers who speak to the concept of moral relativity would be quick to point out that words such as “good”, “evil”, “delicious” and “sandwich” can be ascribed different meanings, depending on the value system and dietary preferences of the

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